Hooking up with a stranger for casual sex has never been easier, thanks to technology.
This is equally true for singles as well as married individuals, thanks to a variety of websites and apps that cater to users looking for easy, casual sex.
Today, men and women stray at similar rates according to a study by the University of Indiana, but for different reasons.
While there are surveys about why women cheat, I am going to focus on my own experience helping couples move past their affairs.
Here are the top 3 reasons I’ve heard from women:
- Lack of Connection- The primary driver that women have in an intimate relationship is to feel connected. For women the feeling of connection is a mix of chemical bliss that creates attraction and intimacy. When women feel disconnected from their spouse, the feelings of intimacy fade. The possibility of a new connection with someone else opens up. And these emotional connections can easily lead to physical affairs.
That can happen through Facebook with an old boyfriend, a friendly co-worker, or even an intriguing stranger. The common theme is simply that an emotional connection was created and led to the affair.
- Vengeance- This may be unpopular to some, but in my experience, about 1 in 5 affairs by women happen because of “pay-back”. It’s revenge for the husband’s affair. It’s vengeance for some perceived wrong or mistreatment.Numerous women have confided that their affairs were intentional “pay-back” because their husbands didn’t’ help out enough with their new born babies and toddlers. Others have mentioned that it was revenge for an unmet expectation around Valentine’s Day or their Birthday, or Anniversary.
I’ve heard directly from women who cheated because their husbands wouldn’t take time off of work, or change jobs, or didn’t help out enough around the house.
- Unsatisfying Sex- It’s no secret that people’s stressful, fully scheduled, fast paced living leads to unsatisfying sex lives. Lack of passionate and fulfilling sex, is another driver for affairs.
While men may complain about the quantity of sex, women complain about the quality.
Women often comment on the lack of sex initiated by their husbands with the desired amount of passion. Here’s a sample of what they’ve said to me; “I want him to just take me spontaneously”, “I want him to throw me on the bed”, “I want him to be more aggressive.” These statements often include far more colorful words.
The mistake that men make is thinking that his wife, now mom of three, has lost her desire for hot, steamy sex. She hasn’t. And many women are not willing to settle for a passion-less marriage.
There is no doubt that women are often less satisfied with their marriage than men. Not only are women having affairs at increasing rates, they initiate divorce at staggering levels.
According to a well-known study of 2, 262 heterosexual couples over 5 years by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, women initiated 69% of divorce. The details of the study further indicate that college educated women initiate divorce over 80% of the time.
Maybe this is a wake-up call to men.
If you’re a man reading this article, you are probably shocked. If you are a woman reading this, it probably just confirms what you already know.
The needs of both men and women will continue to be met; either inside the marriage, or outside with someone else.
If you want to learn how to move past an affair, or fix your marriage for good, connect with me here.