THIS Must Happen if You Want Fulfilling Love

Being married should never be the goal.

Staying married should never be the goal.

WHY?

It’s the wrong target to aim for, and will never bring you happiness.

You might marry the wrong person just to become married. But as you know, you won’t find happiness with the wrong person.

*People might stay together unhappily married, just for their kids. What you might not realize is that only gives your kids a dysfunctional model for success in a relationship. And greatly diminishes your kids chances for happiness if they do marry later on.

WHY?

Because unfortunately we all repeat many of the parental patterns that were modeled for us.  Were your parents patterns of interaction deeply loving and fulfilling for them?

Wouldn’t it be better to model high levels of daily affection, playful interactions, deep conversations, and genuine happiness and joy around each other?

That’s what I wanted to model for our son and have.

In order to have fulfilling love that lasts a life time, that must be the goal. It must be the point of focus. And it must be the priority.

  • It cannot happen if you’re unwilling to learn how to do that. 
  • It cannot happen if you aren’t committed. 
  • It cannot happen if your work, your kids, your friends, or hobbies,etc.. are the priority. 

In order to have deeply fulfilling love that lasts a lifetime. You must focus on creating special moments together.

The amount of time required to do that is tiny. Your understanding of what to do must be upgraded.  

I’d like to help you.

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle ,and do what’s in it.

If you’re ready for my personal guidance reach out to me here.

Life without fulfilling love is not very special.   

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot. Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Measure of Love You Feel

Marriage can be a funny thing. It’s never really what people expect it to be. For most it’s something less.

Those unmet expectations….The disappointment can be devastating.

The most common complaint I hear is:“I love them but I’m no longer in love with them. “

That’s a surprisingly easy problem to solve.

In my experience if you were in-love with your partner earlier in your marriage, you can feel in love with them again.

All you have to do is restore the Feeling of connection between you. That’ also the only thing that will ever work.

Being in love is a feeling, isn’t it.

It’s not something that should happen, or ought to be there all the time. It either is, or it isn’t there all by itself.

  • You can’t talk your way back in love with someone.
  • You can’t think your way there.
  • And the feeling of being in love doesn’t naturally fade over time.

The only reason so many couples experience that is they stop doing the things that created their deep connection initially.

Any marriage that’s on auto-pilot will lose the feelings of being in-love.

If you want proof of how deeply fulfilling your marriage is: Tell me how much joy you experience daily with your partner.

That’s the evidence that says it all. It’s also a measure of how in-love you feel.

You can convince yourself of lots of things. But you cannot convince yourself of feeling joy with someone or being in-love, when it’s not true.

Marriage can be the most extraordinary thing, filled with precious moments, magic, and treasured memories.

  • Your shared love never has to fade.

But not everyone wants an extraordinary marriage. If you do, talk with me. It’s the most important work I do.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

The Loss of My Wife

My wife passed away recently from her struggles with cancer. She was 49.

We shared 19 years of life together and a 12 year old son.

 

Our love was deeply fulfilling and extraordinary.

We made it our priority every day.

 

I’m not looking for sympathy or well wishes, or anything else.

I want this to be a wake-up call for you.

 

Life is a most precious and fragile thing. Value the people you care deeply about.

 

Love can be extraordinary, or mediocre. That’s up to you.

Choose extraordinary!

 

The words “I Love You” have a very unique meaning for each of us.

  • What does it mean for you?
  • More importantly, what does it get you to do?

 

Love is not love if you withhold something from each other.

 

Here are 5 moments that I used to deepen our connection:

  1. What do they feel sitting in the silence of your presence?
  2. What does your partner feel holding you?
  3. What do they feel looking into your eyes or touching your hand?
  4. What do they feel when they talk to you and listen to you?
  5. What do they feel when you see them walking in the door,                                                   not having seen them all day?

 

When you greeted them on day 797 of your life together did they still feel

the feeling of being deeply loved by you?

 

And on day 6,935 together will your eyes still meet in a loving and lingering

way, recognizing the extraordinary love you feel for each other, and the joy

that exits solely because you are together?

That’s what I want for you!

  1. What standard of love have you chosen for your marriage?
  2. What standard of love have you chosen to give to your partner?

 

What difference can your love make?

More than you can imagine!

 

Hold your partner closely today, and notice the feeling you feel.

Look deeply into their eyes for a full 20 seconds and notice what you feel.

This will tell you what you need in your marriage.

 

This is the most important work I do.  I’m here to help you when you’re ready.

You can find my book here, and reach out to talk with me here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

No Marriage is a 50-50 Equal Partnership

Maybe you’ve been led to believe that a good marriage is a 50% – 50% partnership.

It’s not true.

In fact, no partnership is really ever 50%-50%

I’ve been in several partnerships in my business career
and worked to resolve dozens of business partner conflicts.

Here’s what I experienced:
• Someone is always doing a little more.
• Sometimes one partner is doing a lot more.
• Sometimes the rewards are not equal.
• Sometimes personal stress interferes with the partnership.
That’s also true of marriage.

There may be times when you feel like you’re doing almost everything.
There may be times when your partner feels like what they do isn’t valued equally.

I can say it should be a 50%-50% effort in my marriage.

But that won’t make it a reality.
And my wife’s idea of 50%-50% if surely different than mine.
This I know to be true!

Here’s how I resolved this in my mind and part of my marriage repair process.

I decided to take 100% responsibility for my marriage success.

Why?

Initially it was an experiment. I didn’t know what would happen.

I discovered that by doing more I was able to completely resolve my marriage issues.
• My vision for the level of happiness, connection, and intimacy was realized.
• My wife did more and often surprised me with her efforts.
• It saved my marriage.
Forget the 50%-50% idea. It’s not real.

Focus on taking 100% responsibility to do your part.
If you know what to do and what not to do, it will dramatically improve your marriage.

If you want answers for your marriage, read my book.
If you want my personal guidance, reach out and talk to me here.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. -Dr. Seuss

Do You Really Care Enough?

Many couples go through the motions of caring for each other.

 

Do you care for your partner but give less than you used to? 

 

It’s not that you’re neglecting each other, ti’s more of a superficial caring kind of thing.

Plus your both really busy.,. Lots to do.

 

I see this often in couples I work with.

 

There’s another version of caring I call pretend caring.

That looks a lot like neglect.

People claim to care but don’t do much to really show it.

 

They defend it to each other this way:

 

” I’m here, I showed up didn’t I.”

” I haven’t left”.

“What’s your problem now”

“I do alot more for you than you do for me.”

“Nothing’s ever enough for you.”

 

I use the idea of Deep Caring to help couples improve their marriages.

Saying you care isn’t proof of deep caring. 

You must provide proof and evidence of that caring.

 

When you deeply care, you’ll DO anything:

  • You’ll make your partner the priority
  • You’ll do many kind and thoughtful things for them. .
  • You’ll go out of your way to demonstrate that you love them.
  • You’ll go out of your way to value and appreciate them.
  • You’ll be affectionate and present when you’re with them.
  • You’ll be thinking mostly of giving and not getting back.

– When Deep Caring is missing, relationships begin to fall apart.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, communication will suffer.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing affection and intimacy are dull and routine.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, people feel neglected and unhappy.

 

Are you demonstrating proof of Deep Caring to your partner? 

No marriage ever gets better unless behaviors are changed. 

 

Talk with me if you care deeply enough about your marriage to want to fix it.

 

Your marriage cannot fix itself.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Maintaining the Passionless Marriage

Your desire for each other mutes or exaggerates most challenges. 

You are the only one who can decide the level of love and intimacy that is fulfilling for you.

1st, Let’s understand that passion for your partner doesn’t have to naturally decline. I know this to be personally true after 19 years with my wife.

  • It only decays because we allow it to.
  • That happens through our focus on other things day to day.
  • It happens because of stress and misunderstandings.
  • It happens as a result of putting other things above your partner.
  • It happens because we get self-focused and not relationship focused.

Pretend for a moment that you’re giving a newly-wed couple advice on how to sustain high levels of passion and intimacy for a lifetime.

What will you tell them?

What’s your formula for success and a lifetime of happiness together?

Most people get this wrong, hopefully that won’t be you.

  • If you’re not telling these newly-weds about the important of sustaining connection with each other as the priority in their marriage, your own marriage is likely struggling.
  • If you’re not teaching them about the urgency of keeping the chemistry of polarity alive and well in their relationship, you’re probably missing out yourself.

There is nothing more important than the feelings of physical and emotional connection in a relationship to create a lifetime of passion for each other.

A communication focus will not do that. Ever!

Are you open to learning to improve your own marriage?

Here are some resources for you:

Understand these 14 Marriage Breakthrough strategies in my book.

Learn the Secrets to a lifetime of happiness in my audio.

Talk with me if your situation is in urgent need of repair.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Relationship Transforming Wisdom; Comfort vs. Cold

Want to turn your marriage around, or give it an uplifting boost?

Think in terms of providing Comfort vs. Cold.

You’ll really want to think about this, or you’ll miss out on one of the most relationship transforming things you can do.

How you fail to interact with your partner is the very thing that creates feelings of separateness that leads to conflicts and the loss of love.

If you are providing Comfort you are being: supportive, affectionate, warm, caring, appreciative, communicative, sensual, open, present, and generous with how you value your partner, etc…

Offering your partner Cold comes in the form of what you don’t do:

  • Cold is found in your superficial rituals and patterns of interaction.
  • It’s the emotional and physical void that exists between you filled with distance.
  • It’s benign neglect caused by taking your partner for granted.
  • It’s failing to initiate comfort because you’re ok with the status quo.
  • It’s failing to give enough proof that you value them.
  • It’s allowing the separateness to grow both physically and emotionally between you, and doing nothing about it.

When the Cold you provide is greater than the Comfort, your marriage is in trouble.

  • Does your partner feel fully supported by you?
  • Do they feel deeply cared for and valued?
  • Are you generous with affection, attention and appreciation?

What we fail to do is always the deciding factor in the success and happiness of our marriage.

Reach out here to get my guidance on your situation.  

Unless someone like you cares a while awful lot

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Best Marriage Advice You’ll Get

The effort required really isn’t very much.

It’s the energy that matches what you want that has to be exact.

If I bring you love, if I bring you peace, if I’m grateful for what you’ve done and are doing,

Will that help?

If I’m empathetic to your concerns and opinions, if I value what you do, what you say, and who you are,

Won’t that also help?

If I keep myself solid emotionally, while being patient with how you process and able to give you what you need, that also helps.

With minimal effort I can be trustworthy, kind, considerate of your feelings, and genuinely grateful for what you do and have done.

With every little effort I can listen, and wait to speak more thoughtfully.

  • I don’t have to avoid you.
  • I don’t need to fight and argue.
  • I don’t’ have to be submissive because you’re angry.

Can’t I be happy that we’re together? Happy that I’m doing something to make things better?  Happy that possibility still exists? Happy that with the changes I’m making in myself and how I respond differently to you?

I can be happy because I want to be, and focus on all the reasons and evidence that exists in my life that’s good.

I don’t have to put you down or criticize you, or complain to all my friends and family about you.

I can be more reasonable when we talk.

I don’t have to point out everything you’ve done wrong, even though I’m perfect and always right. J

I can help us more than I am.

I can be a good reason to stay together, and a good reason to believe that much better days are ahead.

I can love you better than I am.  And I don’t have to wait for you to change to do that.

If I care at all for you, I can show you I do because life is a fragile thing, and I’m not ready to lose you .

And I can get help, because I may not have the knowledge or understanding to do this as fully as I want to.

I can admit I don’t have all the answers for us while I do a little better at loving you, ad making you feel that I value you in my life.

Thank you for having this talk with me because I needed perspective. And that’s always a good thing.

Now I can choose differently so we have a real chance at happiness together.

I’m eager to get rid of some stress and I know you are too.

I can even read this to myself again, and anytime I lose sight of what I want with you.

 

Will Valentine’s Day Ruin Your Relationship

What you may not know is that Valentine’s Day is the beginning of the end for many couples.

 

Here’s why:

Many people evaluate the happiness and success of their marriages and romantic love-lives, based on whether or not their expectations for Valentine’s Day are met.

 

Valentine’s Day’s unmet expectations often turn into the final straw of a year’s worth of unfulfilling romantic love. Unfortunately, the increasing result of this disappointment often leads to affairs and ultimately divorce.

 

According to a study of divorce filings by AttorneyFee.com, and Avvo.com, both legal referral sites,

they found that February is the busiest month of the year for divorce filings. People seeking referrals

for divorce increase about 40% in February, with the biggest spike on the day after Valentine’s Day.

 

A number of cheating websites for married individuals seeking affairs, report that the day after Valentine’s Day is their #1 day for new sign ups.

 

What expectations do you have around Valentine’s Day?

 

If you are in a struggling relationship, Valentine’s Day might remind you of your romantic dream

about love that was lost. Of course thinking about the love you don’t have will only make you

bitter, sad and resentful.

 

You cannot save a year of disappointment and unhappiness by doing any of these most

socially popular things; giving a greeting card, candy, obligatory dinner, or a dozen roses.

 

Let’s get real:

  • Can candy save a love-less marriage?
  • Can a dozen roses overcome an affair?
  • Can a greeting card restore intimacy and passion?
  • Can a forced attempt at a romantic dinner improve couple communication?

Instead, change your thinking about the Day with these 3 things:

  1. Have Perspective– The value of your relationship is not contingent upon one day’s expectations, and unrealistic romantic desires. Do not let this one day decide the fate of your relationship. You are where you are in your relationship for many reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Valentine’s Day.

 

  1. Focus on Giving to Your Partner- You could make the day about valuing them. Show your appreciation for your partner in whatever way is most genuine for you. If you are willing to let go of your romanticized expectations, you will not be held emotionally hostage by the day. Even if you are hurt and bitter, you can still find something to appreciate about your partner.

 

  1. Start Working towards Something Better– Make a commitment to improve the standard for loving your partner. Even if you think they are completely to blame for any relationship challenges, perhaps you have not been so perfect. A relationship is a shared responsibility and any interactions require two participants. Take responsibility for your part.

 

Today’s the day you can begin to shift and improve your relationship.

 

Winning the game of love happens through what you give, not from demands or attempts to control the other person.

 

The success of your relationship will always be reflected by what you do and fail to do.

 

Want my support? Reach out to talk with me here. 

Want to do it yourself?  Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The #1 Cause of Divorce, Affairs and Unhappiness

First a reminder of the numbers:

  • Each year over 2 million couples divorce in the United States.
    And 1 person in every 3 couples is right now having an affair.

And thanks to technology there’s a huge increase in emotional affairs,
with secretive texting and sexting outside the marriage.

But here’s what may surprise you:

People who cheat, frequently love their partners very much.
And are often faithful and devoted, even for decades.

Here’s what might shock you:

Most couples who decide to divorce still really love each other,
but get divorced anyway.

Want to know why?

Because people have lost the feelings of being “in love” with their partners.

And it drives them to do things they wouldn’t normally do while they search for the excitement and aliveness, of feeling “in love” again.

What will you do if your partner falls out of love with you?

That answer will give you the truth about how well you understand relationships.

People fall out of love all the time. Even though they still love their partners, they lose the feelings of being in love.

And it’s their lack of knowledge and understanding about what to do,
that destroys more marriages than anything else.

You cannot talk your way back in love,
You cannot give his and her version of events and fall back in love.

That only happens with specific behavioral changes.

And here’s what happens because partners no longer feel “in love.”

  • It’s the #1 cause of divorce.
  • It’s the #1 cause of affairs.
  • It’s the #1 cause of unhappiness.

What people don’t know is that they can fall back “in love” again.
Even if it’s been 20 years without feeling “in love” with each other.

What’s missing matters so much more than you realize.

I want you to have the skills and knowledge that will keep your love,
intimacy, communication, and deep connection, alive for a lifetime.

That won’t happen without the feelings of being ”in love” with your partner.

Here’s all you need to do:

Do what’s in this book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

Reach out and talk with me here.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. -Dr. Seuss