Do You Really Care Enough?

Many couples go through the motions of caring for each other.

 

Do you care for your partner but give less than you used to? 

 

It’s not that you’re neglecting each other, ti’s more of a superficial caring kind of thing.

Plus your both really busy.,. Lots to do.

 

I see this often in couples I work with.

 

There’s another version of caring I call pretend caring.

That looks a lot like neglect.

People claim to care but don’t do much to really show it.

 

They defend it to each other this way:

 

” I’m here, I showed up didn’t I.”

” I haven’t left”.

“What’s your problem now”

“I do alot more for you than you do for me.”

“Nothing’s ever enough for you.”

 

I use the idea of Deep Caring to help couples improve their marriages.

Saying you care isn’t proof of deep caring. 

You must provide proof and evidence of that caring.

 

When you deeply care, you’ll DO anything:

  • You’ll make your partner the priority
  • You’ll do many kind and thoughtful things for them. .
  • You’ll go out of your way to demonstrate that you love them.
  • You’ll go out of your way to value and appreciate them.
  • You’ll be affectionate and present when you’re with them.
  • You’ll be thinking mostly of giving and not getting back.

– When Deep Caring is missing, relationships begin to fall apart.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, communication will suffer.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing affection and intimacy are dull and routine.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, people feel neglected and unhappy.

 

Are you demonstrating proof of Deep Caring to your partner? 

No marriage ever gets better unless behaviors are changed. 

 

Talk with me if you care deeply enough about your marriage to want to fix it.

 

Your marriage cannot fix itself.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Maintaining the Passionless Marriage

Your desire for each other mutes or exaggerates most challenges. 

You are the only one who can decide the level of love and intimacy that is fulfilling for you.

1st, Let’s understand that passion for your partner doesn’t have to naturally decline. I know this to be personally true after 19 years with my wife.

  • It only decays because we allow it to.
  • That happens through our focus on other things day to day.
  • It happens because of stress and misunderstandings.
  • It happens as a result of putting other things above your partner.
  • It happens because we get self-focused and not relationship focused.

Pretend for a moment that you’re giving a newly-wed couple advice on how to sustain high levels of passion and intimacy for a lifetime.

What will you tell them?

What’s your formula for success and a lifetime of happiness together?

Most people get this wrong, hopefully that won’t be you.

  • If you’re not telling these newly-weds about the important of sustaining connection with each other as the priority in their marriage, your own marriage is likely struggling.
  • If you’re not teaching them about the urgency of keeping the chemistry of polarity alive and well in their relationship, you’re probably missing out yourself.

There is nothing more important than the feelings of physical and emotional connection in a relationship to create a lifetime of passion for each other.

A communication focus will not do that. Ever!

Are you open to learning to improve your own marriage?

Here are some resources for you:

Understand these 14 Marriage Breakthrough strategies in my book.

Learn the Secrets to a lifetime of happiness in my audio.

Talk with me if your situation is in urgent need of repair.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Relationship Transforming Wisdom; Comfort vs. Cold

Want to turn your marriage around, or give it an uplifting boost?

Think in terms of providing Comfort vs. Cold.

You’ll really want to think about this, or you’ll miss out on one of the most relationship transforming things you can do.

How you fail to interact with your partner is the very thing that creates feelings of separateness that leads to conflicts and the loss of love.

If you are providing Comfort you are being: supportive, affectionate, warm, caring, appreciative, communicative, sensual, open, present, and generous with how you value your partner, etc…

Offering your partner Cold comes in the form of what you don’t do:

  • Cold is found in your superficial rituals and patterns of interaction.
  • It’s the emotional and physical void that exists between you filled with distance.
  • It’s benign neglect caused by taking your partner for granted.
  • It’s failing to initiate comfort because you’re ok with the status quo.
  • It’s failing to give enough proof that you value them.
  • It’s allowing the separateness to grow both physically and emotionally between you, and doing nothing about it.

When the Cold you provide is greater than the Comfort, your marriage is in trouble.

  • Does your partner feel fully supported by you?
  • Do they feel deeply cared for and valued?
  • Are you generous with affection, attention and appreciation?

What we fail to do is always the deciding factor in the success and happiness of our marriage.

Reach out here to get my guidance on your situation.  

Unless someone like you cares a while awful lot

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Best Marriage Advice You’ll Get

The effort required really isn’t very much.

It’s the energy that matches what you want that has to be exact.

If I bring you love, if I bring you peace, if I’m grateful for what you’ve done and are doing,

Will that help?

If I’m empathetic to your concerns and opinions, if I value what you do, what you say, and who you are,

Won’t that also help?

If I keep myself solid emotionally, while being patient with how you process and able to give you what you need, that also helps.

With minimal effort I can be trustworthy, kind, considerate of your feelings, and genuinely grateful for what you do and have done.

With every little effort I can listen, and wait to speak more thoughtfully.

  • I don’t have to avoid you.
  • I don’t need to fight and argue.
  • I don’t’ have to be submissive because you’re angry.

Can’t I be happy that we’re together? Happy that I’m doing something to make things better?  Happy that possibility still exists? Happy that with the changes I’m making in myself and how I respond differently to you?

I can be happy because I want to be, and focus on all the reasons and evidence that exists in my life that’s good.

I don’t have to put you down or criticize you, or complain to all my friends and family about you.

I can be more reasonable when we talk.

I don’t have to point out everything you’ve done wrong, even though I’m perfect and always right. J

I can help us more than I am.

I can be a good reason to stay together, and a good reason to believe that much better days are ahead.

I can love you better than I am.  And I don’t have to wait for you to change to do that.

If I care at all for you, I can show you I do because life is a fragile thing, and I’m not ready to lose you .

And I can get help, because I may not have the knowledge or understanding to do this as fully as I want to.

I can admit I don’t have all the answers for us while I do a little better at loving you, ad making you feel that I value you in my life.

Thank you for having this talk with me because I needed perspective. And that’s always a good thing.

Now I can choose differently so we have a real chance at happiness together.

I’m eager to get rid of some stress and I know you are too.

I can even read this to myself again, and anytime I lose sight of what I want with you.

 

Will Valentine’s Day Ruin Your Relationship

What you may not know is that Valentine’s Day is the beginning of the end for many couples.

 

Here’s why:

Many people evaluate the happiness and success of their marriages and romantic love-lives, based on whether or not their expectations for Valentine’s Day are met.

 

Valentine’s Day’s unmet expectations often turn into the final straw of a year’s worth of unfulfilling romantic love. Unfortunately, the increasing result of this disappointment often leads to affairs and ultimately divorce.

 

According to a study of divorce filings by AttorneyFee.com, and Avvo.com, both legal referral sites,

they found that February is the busiest month of the year for divorce filings. People seeking referrals

for divorce increase about 40% in February, with the biggest spike on the day after Valentine’s Day.

 

A number of cheating websites for married individuals seeking affairs, report that the day after Valentine’s Day is their #1 day for new sign ups.

 

What expectations do you have around Valentine’s Day?

 

If you are in a struggling relationship, Valentine’s Day might remind you of your romantic dream

about love that was lost. Of course thinking about the love you don’t have will only make you

bitter, sad and resentful.

 

You cannot save a year of disappointment and unhappiness by doing any of these most

socially popular things; giving a greeting card, candy, obligatory dinner, or a dozen roses.

 

Let’s get real:

  • Can candy save a love-less marriage?
  • Can a dozen roses overcome an affair?
  • Can a greeting card restore intimacy and passion?
  • Can a forced attempt at a romantic dinner improve couple communication?

Instead, change your thinking about the Day with these 3 things:

  1. Have Perspective– The value of your relationship is not contingent upon one day’s expectations, and unrealistic romantic desires. Do not let this one day decide the fate of your relationship. You are where you are in your relationship for many reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Valentine’s Day.

 

  1. Focus on Giving to Your Partner- You could make the day about valuing them. Show your appreciation for your partner in whatever way is most genuine for you. If you are willing to let go of your romanticized expectations, you will not be held emotionally hostage by the day. Even if you are hurt and bitter, you can still find something to appreciate about your partner.

 

  1. Start Working towards Something Better– Make a commitment to improve the standard for loving your partner. Even if you think they are completely to blame for any relationship challenges, perhaps you have not been so perfect. A relationship is a shared responsibility and any interactions require two participants. Take responsibility for your part.

 

Today’s the day you can begin to shift and improve your relationship.

 

Winning the game of love happens through what you give, not from demands or attempts to control the other person.

 

The success of your relationship will always be reflected by what you do and fail to do.

 

Want my support? Reach out to talk with me here. 

Want to do it yourself?  Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The #1 Cause of Divorce, Affairs and Unhappiness

First a reminder of the numbers:

  • Each year over 2 million couples divorce in the United States.
    And 1 person in every 3 couples is right now having an affair.

And thanks to technology there’s a huge increase in emotional affairs,
with secretive texting and sexting outside the marriage.

But here’s what may surprise you:

People who cheat, frequently love their partners very much.
And are often faithful and devoted, even for decades.

Here’s what might shock you:

Most couples who decide to divorce still really love each other,
but get divorced anyway.

Want to know why?

Because people have lost the feelings of being “in love” with their partners.

And it drives them to do things they wouldn’t normally do while they search for the excitement and aliveness, of feeling “in love” again.

What will you do if your partner falls out of love with you?

That answer will give you the truth about how well you understand relationships.

People fall out of love all the time. Even though they still love their partners, they lose the feelings of being in love.

And it’s their lack of knowledge and understanding about what to do,
that destroys more marriages than anything else.

You cannot talk your way back in love,
You cannot give his and her version of events and fall back in love.

That only happens with specific behavioral changes.

And here’s what happens because partners no longer feel “in love.”

  • It’s the #1 cause of divorce.
  • It’s the #1 cause of affairs.
  • It’s the #1 cause of unhappiness.

What people don’t know is that they can fall back “in love” again.
Even if it’s been 20 years without feeling “in love” with each other.

What’s missing matters so much more than you realize.

I want you to have the skills and knowledge that will keep your love,
intimacy, communication, and deep connection, alive for a lifetime.

That won’t happen without the feelings of being ”in love” with your partner.

Here’s all you need to do:

Do what’s in this book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

Reach out and talk with me here.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. -Dr. Seuss

Why 2 Million Marriages Crash and Burn Each Year

No one is intentionally creating unhappiness in their marriage. It happens because people don’t have the skills needed to live and love happily ever after.

Your marriage will model many of the behaviors that you saw in your parents’ interactions. That’s just a conditioned reality.

That experience can be a recipe for success, or a recipe for unhappiness.

If what you saw back then wasn’t joyful, affectionate, loving and communicative, your marriage is likely to be challenging.

Why?

Because having a great relationship is a skill. It’s a learned behavior.

No different than flying a plane.

You can learn how to do that really well. But you have to get an expert to either model that for you, or to teach you.

You will not figure out how to fly a plane on your own, and you won’t have a successful marriage if you don’t have the skills.

To pretend you’re a pilot when you’re not will end in disaster.

To imagine that you have the skills for a happy and deeply fulfilling marriage may not be accurate, if that isn’t what exits in your life right now.

You could think of lots or reasons why it isn’t that way, but the truth is whatever it is.

Your success won’t come because you want it to, or because you love your partner.

It will come because you were willing to learn the skills to pilot your marriage successfully.

  • Wanting it to work isn’t enough.
  • Hoping it’s going to get better will end in disappointment.
  • Learning and doing what works is all that matters.

What you and your partner know about sustaining love for a lifetime will always be reflected in your results.

Each year over 2 million couples divorce. It’s not because they’ve fallen out of love. It’s because they didn’t know what to do to keep love alive for a lifetime.

Here are easy ways to learn the skills:

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

Reach out and talk to me here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Lessons of Marriage; Everlasting Happiness

Of all my marriage mistakes of the past, I failed to understand that my marriage wasn’t going to stay happy and passionate all by itself.

 

And I didn’t become one of the country’s leading experts in marriage repair by choice. It happened by necessity. And it happened because I care alot.

 

I was completely fed up with my own relationship stress, and all I wanted was to have everlasting happiness with my wife.

 

If you’re read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you know that my first marriage ended because I was clueless. Now after 18 years with my wife, I have the amazing marriage I want, and no relationship stress.

 

Learning what to Do and Not Do, was the life altering wisdom I now have.

 

That’s a truly great thing. I want that for you. If you don’t want that for yourself, no one can help you.

 

I share what I’ve learned with people because the traditional couples counseling model didn’t work at all for me. And it clearly doesn’t work for close to a million couples who try it and divorce each year.

 

In my opinion, a completely different type of thinking and problem solving is needed based on only this one thought:

 

Is what I’m doing; useful, helpful, support or beneficial to what I want?

 

If not, why not?

  • Do you know exactly what you want?
  • Do you know what to do?
  • Are you willing to do it?

Is there something in the way of you doing it that needs to be resolved?

This is the mindset that creates immediate success. This is how I saved my own Marriage. This is the mindset that has allowed me to save hundreds of other couples from unhappiness and divorce.

 

I can help you:

  1. Get clear what you want,
  2. Know what to do and what not to do,
  3. Let go the hurt and resentment from the past.

The real issues exist because of a lack of understanding about the above things.

Embrace them and your marriage will be transformed. Work on anything else and you will be disappointed long term.

 

If you want my help, reach out here. 

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. – Dr. Seuss

Unhappy Marriages are Hard, Fixing them is Easy

 

Completely transforming a marriage is easy.

Wanting to,… is another matter.

 

Do you know any couples that are in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage?

Why don’t they do something about it?

 

Here’s what they say:

  • Can’t be bothered.
  • Don’t care anymore.
  • I’m used to it.
  • It’s too much work.
  • I don’t have time.
  • I’m tired of doing it myself.
  • They won’t participate.
  • Nothing will change.

Many couples settle into a deep slumber in their marriages.

 

And as a result of this thing I call Benign Neglect, the very things

that make a marriage worthwhile; including intimacy, passion,

feelings of togetherness, affection, communication, and living

a deeply shared life… often leave the relationship,

 

The mistake people make is thinking it won’t get worse.

 

It usually does.

 

And unhappiness and emptiness takes the place of all the aliveness

of feeling deeply cared for, and intimately connected.

 

That stress doesn’t go away by itself.

 

One person in 3 couples is having an affair today. That doesn’t include

the emotional connections that people often get attached to outside

of their marriage.

 

Turning an unhappy marriage around is easy. I’ve helped hundreds of couples

do it. Even extreme situations where divorce papers were filed, or couples had

moved in with affair partners.

 

Miraculous things are possible when you know what to do and you’re willing to do them.

What works is easily available in my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

 

People reach out to me from all over the world to get my support to turn their marriages

around. You could too. The initial consultation is free. It’s another easy thing to do.

If you’re willing Sign up at the bottom of this page.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  – Dr. Seuss

 

Why Love Can Be So Disappointing and What to Do

Why Love Can Be So Disappointing and What to Do

You probably already know the statistics:
– One person in every 3 couples is having an affair.
– US divorce rates hovering around 50%.
– 63% of second marriages and 72% of all third marriages fail.
These numbers don’t tell the real story of the couples who are simply
hanging out together unhappily.

Here’s the truth:

Love is the greatest Unmet Need

What people get from their partners is not what they really want.
It’s most often less than that.

Love is the greatest Unmet Expectation in marriage.

I expect you to love me this way…
It doesn’t happen.

Only one thing changes that;
A partner who is willing, and chooses to learn how to love you your way.

And that will not last unless you are also willing to choose to learn
how to love them the way they want you to.

That’s what I help people do.

That’s how unhappy marriages of 20 years can be transformed so quickly
that people can’t believe it.

I’ve helped hundreds of couples on the edge of divorce save their marriages.
And it is much easier than people think.

Are you willing to learn how your partner wants you to love them?
Are you willing to learn what deep caring looks like to them?

There is no greater gift to any marriage than the couple choosing
to give love to each other in alignment with what each partner wants.

There is nothing more fulfilling.

If you want that in your life, I can help you. Your partner has to want it too.

Let’s talk. Schedule a Rising Love Strategy Session with me here.

Are you ready to love?