I Need to Feel Valued…

Our intellectual capacity to ignore our own longings and yearnings is self-destructive.

We ignore the very things we want the most in our lives because we are unwilling to tell ourselves the truth:

I need love.
I need to feel valued…

When Does Your Man Become a Boy?

All men struggle in their life from time to time. I certainly have.

In those moments, it’s easy to lose sight of who we are, and to know our place in the scheme of things.

We lose perspective.

However, the last thing we want is to be told what to do by you, our significant other. That only brings out our defenses, just as it would you.

As you know, men are taught to suppress their feelings and emotions. While you might not think there is much going on inside of us because of a stoic expression, there’s plenty of internal churning there.

If you want to contribute to it; all you have to do is criticize us, tell us what we’re doing wrong, argue with us, and try to control us. You’ve probably done some of that if you’re willing to be honest.

It all contributes to your man becoming a boy.

You may have forgotten that men want to feel a sense of freedom more than anything else.

Some aspects of that freedom include:

  • Freedom to make our own decisions.
  • Freedom to make our own mistakes.
  • Freedom to struggle and figure it out on our own.

When you insert yourself in the middle of any of those things, the boy in us rises up.

You will always be more effective if you are willing to stay in your feminine; soft, playful, light-hearted, fun, inviting, open, heart-felt, happy, enticing, and even seductive.

Why?

Because that’s what works for us, and that’s what always works, even if you dislike this answer. And any of those things will cause us to step more into our masculine. That’s what you want anyway isn’t it?

The feminine aspects of you are what attracted us in the first place. Anytime you are outside of that, we are likely to feel disconnected from you. Then conflicts will increase, our communication will suffer, and intimacy will fade in the relationship.

And those are the moments when we’ve forgotten who we are.

You can help us remember. Will you?

Or will you greet us with something argumentative, combative, closed, accusatory, blaming, questioning, head-strong, defensive, and unyielding?

That’s of course who we are when we become boys.

We just hope to never see that in you. We don’t even like it in ourselves.

It’s not about who is more right, or who is more important. It’s only about doing the things that keep us feeling connected with each other.

And your feminine does that for us.

If you want to learn what to do to improve the connection in your relationship, read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you’ll learn easy ways to sustain love and passion for a lifetime.

 

 

The #1 Way to Solve Marriage Conflicts

Even the best marriages hiccup from time to time leaving couples feeling separate. And if your marriage has been struggling for years, both partners are unhappy.

So what do you do?

  • If you try to talk to your partner about what they aren’t doing, will things get better?
  • When you tell your partner how you’re feeling about what they aren’t doing, does your relationship improve?

The reason this doesn’t work very is because no one wants to be told what to do. It immediately raises defenses. And when defenses are high, things have a tendency to escalate into disagreements and more unhappiness.  Sometimes things get even worse, leading to finger pointing and blame, followed by significant emotions upsets.

Have you ever been there? I have.

 Where can you get real answers?

  • If you’ve done traditional couples counseling like me, you can often feel more separate when leaving their office than when you went in.
  • It’s not unusual to feel more bitter and resentful after going through both partners’ version of events, issue by issue.

With over 2 million annual divorces in the US despite having 50,000+ couple’s counselors, I believed there had to be a better way of problem solving, so I came up with one.

Here’s how you start to resolve your marriage conflicts:

Spend your energy and effort only on improving the feelings of connection between you and your partner. It’s worked for me, and the hundreds of couples I’ve helped.

For this to happen, you have to be willing to do two things:

  1. You must know what to do, and also what not to do. The only focus should be to increase the feelings of connection between you.
  1. Be willing to do only what works and let go of everything else. Even if you don’t trust your partner, or you’re bitter, and angry. And yes, even if you think all the conflicts are their fault.

Imagine trying to talk to, and solve problems, with someone you have no connection to. That’s not likely to be very productive is it?

But, when people do feel deeply connected, it’s much easier and faster to improve things between you. That’s why the connection is the most important thing to restore. Everything else can wait.

Here’s what keeps people stuck in unhappy marriages:

  1. They are not willing to learn what will work.
  2. They are not willing to do what they know will work.

For many people, this can be a hard truth to swallow.

Here are some better choices:

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, it’s full of immediately helpful ideas that will work to quickly to increase connection.

Talk with me. I will give you my perspective on exactly what’s needed to recover your happiness. The conversation is free. You can sign up here: http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/

 

My 3 Biggest Marriage Mistakes, Are You Making Them Too?

When I first met my wife, the chemistry and connection was off the charts.

Then shortly after we were married, we began arguing more and more.  At times it seemed like we weren’t on the same page about anything.  I thought it was mostly her fault because she was just being stubborn and difficult.

Was I ever wrong…

I have made lots of mistakes in my marriage over the years, but it was these 3 things caused me the most trouble:

  1. Not making our connection the priority – It’s easy not to make your marriage a priority because of obligations, work responsibilities and simply not understanding how important that really is.

 And keeping the FEELING of connection with your spouse as a priority in the marriage is the most misunderstood and underestimated aspect of true marriage success.

 Early on in my marriage I wanted to be more right than my wife when we disagreed.  I also made myself out to be more important than her and the relationship;

What about me? What isn’t she doing for me? What’s wrong with her? What am I getting and not getting from her?  All of these things created disconnect. Anytime I was only focused on me, we became more separate.

 

  1. Not understanding what was needed from me. Because I was focused more on what I was or wasn’t getting, my willingness to give was sometimes based on feeling resentful or bitter. So when I felt that way I was giving very little. Of course that always made things worse.

 There were other times I wanted to defend myself or give her advice, when all she ever wanted me to do was listen.  I misunderstood that her emotions and tone directed at me were simply requests for me to give her more of my presence and attention.

Defending myself always made things worse.

 

  1. Not being clear about what I wanted. I originally thought that the marriage would be on auto-pilot, and that our relationship would always be good without giving it any more thought than just that.

 I had no vision for our marriage.  And because I wasn’t clear about what I wanted our life to be about together, and how I wanted to feel when I was with her, I often got caught up in the day to day stressor of the moment.

That kept us stuck in arguing about tiny insignificant things that I can’t even remember.

While I clearly remember our biggest escalating argument from many years ago, I have no idea what it was about. That’s a good indication that an argument that could have ended our marriage was about something small and unimportant.

What actually happens is that lots of little things get stacked on top of each other, and then that last thing is the straw that breaks the back of your connection.

When I finally got fed-up with being stressed out and unhappy was the moment that our marriage began to get better. I figured out how to our deep connection and chemistry back by fixing those 3 Mistakes. Now I help couples all over the world re-ignite their love and passion for each other.

Read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle to learn more helpful strategies that you can implement right away.

Reflect on your marriage happiness for a moment.

Turn your thoughts inward and think about how deeply connected you FEEL with your spouse.  Is that good enough for you?

Now imagine that it never gets any better.

 

Is that the way you want to continue to live?

 

How many more days will you continue to allow your marriage to struggle? How is it ever going to stop? If you don’t take some corrective action you’ll inevitably regret it.

If you are fed up, and don’t want to spend another day walking on egg shells around your partner, talk with me.

I have helped hundreds of couples resolve their conflicts and bring deeply connected intimacy back into their marriages. And that is the real key to successful couple communication.

I work with couples in person and all over the world by Skype.

Visit http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/ Sign up for your Free PEAK Relationship Consultation. You’ll get my direct input on your situation and how to repair it.

 

3 Ways to Increase Intimacy

By far the biggest complaint I hear from couples is that they no longer feel intimately connected with each other.

This creates real and often devastating consequences.

Lack of an emotional connection is the #1 cause of divorce. 
What started off as that deep feeling of chemistry and connection fades away.
And it often catches one partner by surprise.  Do not let that be you.
 
There are things you can do right now, today, to begin to restore the feelings of deep connection.
Here are 3 things:
  1. Give your partner more focused attention. Put down the phones and remotes and truly see them when you talk with them. Give them the value and appreciation they deserve.
  1. Tell your partner specifically what you admire in them. Why are you proud of them? What are you grateful for about them?
  1. Initiate the repair of any misunderstandings without getting into details of why you might have said or done this or that. Simply own your part in any disconnect and apologize. It could be as simple as “Hey, I just want you to know that I’m really sorry for my part yesterday. I love you.

Here’s where you can go wrong:

  1. You think you are paying attention, but you are not totally present for them. If you fake it, they will know. You are waiting for them to value and appreciate you. Go first.
  2. Don’t bother saying anything complimentary if you don’t believe it or feel it. They will know what’s real and what’s not. Be prepared. Say exactly why you are proud, or what you are grateful for.
  3. Do not apologize to get an apology back.  Focus on doing your part only and be perfectly Ok if they don’t own their responsibility right away.

Get the help you need.

  1. It’s hard to have the perspective needed to see the real issues between you. People waste time chasing symptoms instead. And trying to resolve issues on your own can make them worse.
  2. You are limited by what you know. It’s what you don’t know that will transform your marriage.
  3. Larger issues that cause bitterness and resentment cannot be resolved without outside help. There are too many emotions involved for you to be effective.

Reach out to me.

The marriage that you want and deserve may be much closer than you think.

Most relationship problems can be repaired in short time frames. I know, because I have helped hundreds of couples restore intimacy, improve communication, rebuild trust, and resolve their conflicts.

And most of those couples found me after failed couples counseling. Doing nothing, or waiting and hoping for your situation improve, is not a strategy for success.

You and your partner deserve a chance for real happiness together.

Talk with me. I will give you my thoughts on how to repair your situation without obligation.

http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/ Sign up at the bottom of the page.

The 7 Levels of Trusthworthiness Affecting the Intimacy and Happiness of Your Marriage

In the back of your mind you are wondering this about your partner:

Will you be there for me in the way that I need you to,… and when I need you?

  • And what happens to me when you aren’t there for me?
  • And what’s the impact of that on you, and on us?

This is a foundational aspect of trustworthiness in any relationship. 

Imagine that you want to talk with your partner about something that’s important to you. It could be anything at all.  A tiny piece of nonsense that you heard from someone, or a big thing about work, family, health etc…

In the moment you want to share something with your partner, and they aren’t tuned into truly listening to you, the connection between you wavers ever so slightly.

A small aspect of trust gets depleted.

  • Imagine this occurring often.
  • Imagine that you realize you can’t count on them.
  • Where trust goes, intimacy and happiness are certain to follow.

The mind begins to churn out thoughts that are going to begin to further deplete intimacy and happiness.

  • “Don’t I matter enough or deserve better than that from you.?”
  • “Don’t you care enough about me to pay attention?”
  • “What’s wrong with you…what’s your problem?”
  • “What’s wrong with me…don’t you love me anymore?”

This is only the beginning. The first domino has fallen. Conflicts will increase and communication will suffer. Intimacy fades fast.

Here are 7 Levels of Trustworthiness:

  1. Collaborative Trustworthiness- Both partners are equally focused on being trustworthy to each other, with shared vision, core values and relationship goals. This is ideal.

 

  1. Reflective Trustworthiness- I’m trustworthy only to the level that you hold me accountable. Pay attention to the little things you let me get away with.

 

  1. Paradoxical Trustworthiness- You should trust me even though I don’t trust you. This will cause bitterness and resentment. Are we aligned on the things that matter?

 

  1. Participatory Trustworthiness- I choose when I’m willing to be trustworthy. You don’t need to know what I’m doing over here. I’m trustworthy in other areas…kind of, maybe. A normally trustworthy person begins to be selective in their honesty. Honor your intuition and look for contradictions. Reinforce your shared values and honesty.

 

  1. Empirical Trustworthiness- I trust you only to the degree that I can verify. I will drive you crazy trying to control you because I can’t trust what I can’t see. Tell yourself the truth. Is this about you, or is your partner simply untrustworthy and you don’t want to believe it?

 

  1. Unconditional Trustworthiness- I trust you no matter what you are doing to me. This is how people get taken advantage of and blind sided with hurt. Lines must be drawn about what is acceptable and what’s not. Does your partner know where you draw the line with unacceptable behavior or neglect?

 

  1. Deceptive Trustworthiness- I appear trustworthy, but trust me at your own peril. I’m operating on my own agenda. I will lie constantly and the web of lies will grow and envelope you. This isn’t ever going to be a healthy relationship unless I wake up and change. What’s the likelihood of that happening?

 

 It’s the little things we fail to do that begin to tear apart the foundation of the marriage.

 This happens most often because we really don’t know any better. Do you demonstrate to me regularly that you value me in your life?  Do I matter enough to make the needs of our shared togetherness your priority?

Marriages can easily get put on auto-pilot because we are simply caught up in own busy lives.

  • Do you know to create a deeply connected and high trust relationship?
  • Will you prioritize us to make sure that you do your part along with me?

If there are issues of trust and increasing levels of conflict in the marriage, you will likely need outside help. Your emotions will get the best of you. Trying to solve the problem by fixing your partner will only backfire and make things worse.

Talk with me. I have helped hundreds of couples restore trust, love and intimacy in their marriages.

Sign up for your Free PEAK Relationship Conversation today.

 

Are You Still Missing Out?

A ran into an old friend recently who had heard about my book on marriage.

At one point in the conversation he said:

 

I’ve got my marriage right where I want it….

to the point that I just don’t care anymore.

 

I responded:

  • You don’t care about love?
  • You don’t care about deeply sharing your life?
  • You don’t care about affection, intimacy and passionate sex?
  • You don’t care about your happiness and longevity?

He said;

Of course I care about all of that stuff, who doesn’t want that?

I’ve just given up on that with her and I have no interest in doing anything about it.

 

To which I said:

Why not get divorced?

 

He said:

It will cost me too much money.

 

I then said:

Ok, so you have decided to fence yourself in to a life of unhappiness

Even though you know there are ways out.

You’re like the bee that gets stuck in your car, and you open all the windows…

But the bee keeps banging its head over and over against the front windshield.

Even though there are multiple possibilities to escape the unhappiness

You’ve already decided to continue to suffer.

 

He was visibly irritated with me.

 

A few days later his wife called to tell me that something I had said

had woken him up and that they wanted to hear my ideas on restoring

their marriage.

 

Life is far too short to be  wasted on unnecessary unhappiness.

I urge you to do something about your marriage so that it enriches

and magnifies your life experience.

 

Find someone who can help you. Learn what you can do.

What you don’t know is limiting your options and you are missing out.

 

I want to wake you up to the reality that something better is in fact

possible whether you believe it or not.

 

You will not create a solution on your own when you have lost perspective.

The windows are open, but you just can’t see it.

 

Talk with me before all the windows close,

Click www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com and set up a conversation today.

 

Your Marriage; Is it “Good Enough”?

Our relationships always reflect what we do and fail to do

 Not everyone is fully ready to allow love into their lives.  

That’s simply my experience working with couples over the past decade. Not true, deeply connected, and profoundly intimate, shared love.

It scares people.

They settle for something else, something much smaller by playing it safe, not giving their all, not loving to the depths and breadths of their hearts.

  • They often wait to see what the other person is willing to do.
  • They frequently withhold, and put the brakes on giving fully.
  • Sometimes they keep score; who did what for whom last. In their minds they think; “It’s your turn, so I’m unwilling to do anything until you go first. Why do I always have to be the one to give?”
  • Sometimes it’s a demand; “Give me the love I deserve or I’ll find someone else.”
  • Sometimes it’s pain; “Love me unconditionally or I won’t know how to love you.”

But the love they settle for is Ok.

It’s not joyful, inspiring, passionate and fulfilling, but it’s “good enough”.

Or is it?

What are you capable of experiencing together as a couple?

Does it even matter if your marriage is never anything more than what exists today?

Fear can hold people hostage, and opens the door for the pain and regret of what little love and affection they settled for?

Would you prefer:

Feelings of closeness, true sharing, feeling valued, intimately connected, genuine affection, inspired passion, a deep sense of comfort to be yourself, a profound sense of peace in each other’s presence, and an aligned vision of the future.

Or what you have today?

How will you ever really know what your marriage is capable of in terms of happiness and personal fulfillment?

Or is what you already have “good enough” for you?

And what will you do to make sure that your “good enough” stays that way?

The only permanence in life is change, and clearly relationships change.

Will you be happier one year from now, or less happy?  Will you feel more or less in love?

Today is one of those choice points. A decision will be made that will perhaps determine the rest of your married life.

Is your marriage “good enough”, or are you actually willing to pursue something more meaningful?

You could put off that decision indefinitely. It’s probably not really that big a deal.

Or is it?

The next time you are wondering what can be done to improve your marriage, talk with me and get my direct input on how to resolve your situation.

 

The Surprising Personal Consequences of Cheating

What price do you pay when your personal integrity has left you? Cheating and affairs are common. More common than you might think, and it has never been easier for a married man or woman to hook up for sex outside of their marriage. This article might seem uncomfortable for…

Expectations; The Valentine’s Day Mistake

You cannot save a year of unhappiness with greeting cards, roses and phony intimate dinners.

The problem with Valentine’s Day is disappointment. People’s expectations for the day are high even if the marriage is struggling.

“Maybe they’ll do something really special for me because it’s been rough lately.” Or “At the very least they own me a special Valentine’s gift after all this BS, and they will probably do that.” Or “I really don’t want anything from them, but heaven help them if they do nothing.”

There is no meeting of the undisclosed expectation. You will invariably fall short despite good intentions.

What are your expectations around Valentine’s Day?

If you’re in a happy, deeply connected marriage and things are great, there is a positive anticipation about the day. You aren’t particularly thinking about what your partner might do for you, you are more focused on what you are going to do for them.

However, if you are in a bad place in your marriage and feeling disconnected from love and your partner, this might be your least favorite day of the year. Valentine’s Day can become a reminder of the dream of love lost. The romanticized version of what love should have felt like, and been like. And thinking about what you don’t have only makes you sad and angry.

Doing something for your partner that doesn’t feel genuine and represent your true current feelings isn’t going to make you or your partner feel any better.

The pressure of obligations causes emotional stress for both partners. No one wants to feel obligated to do something that they have no real interest in.

How many of the 1+ billion Valentine cards purchased will be given out of love, and not from the commercialized expectation and perceived obligation of the day?

There is no winning or feeling good about Valentine’s Day if your relationship sucks.

So here’s what you need to do:

1. Get over your hurt, anger, sadness or disappointment about what your partner did or didn’t do for you on Valentine’s Day. The value of your relationship is not contingent on one day’s expectations and unrealistic romantic desires.

2. Treat the other person in your life with appreciation. Give them the attention they deserve. We often take our partners for granted. Not intentionally, we just get busy with life and caught up in ourselves. Honor your partner for their good qualities and tell them what you admire about them.

3. Use this day as a reminder that life is not always about you, and how you feel, and what you want and need. Decide instead to make a commitment to elevate the standard that you have been living for interacting with and giving to your partner, despite any past bitterness or resentments.

4. Have some self-honesty about your role in any disconnect or unhappiness between you. Yes even if your partner is totally to blame as you think. A relationship is a shared responsibility and any interactions require two participants. Has your part in that always been perfect?

5. Give your partner what they really need. Don’t withhold your love, compliments, respect, appreciation, attention, or sex because you are upset or think they owe you. Stop keeping score.

If you want to win the game of love, it will happen through what you give, not from demands or attempts to control the other person. What you give will ultimately come back to you, often in pleasantly surprising ways.

There are countless small ways to value and show appreciation for someone.
You could say thank you for any little thing they do. You could notice what they are doing right and compliment them. You could discover something unique about them and let them know. You could remember something amazing about them and tell them. Will you?

Do not let this one day decide the fate of your relationship.

In order for things to get better in any relationship, one person has to DO something different. Change doesn’t happen because you want it to, or hope that it will. It only happens if you decide you want something better and are willing to doing something about it.

One committed person can work wonders.

Are YOU willing to be the one to set aside your current story about your partner, and initiate repair of your relationship? Waiting on them will only bring more disappointment. And most struggling couples have had about enough of that.

Visit www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com and sign up for your complimentary relationship review. You will get straight answers and a pathway to resolve your situation.