Do You Really Care Enough?

Many couples go through the motions of caring for each other.

 

Do you care for your partner but give less than you used to? 

 

It’s not that you’re neglecting each other, ti’s more of a superficial caring kind of thing.

Plus your both really busy.,. Lots to do.

 

I see this often in couples I work with.

 

There’s another version of caring I call pretend caring.

That looks a lot like neglect.

People claim to care but don’t do much to really show it.

 

They defend it to each other this way:

 

” I’m here, I showed up didn’t I.”

” I haven’t left”.

“What’s your problem now”

“I do alot more for you than you do for me.”

“Nothing’s ever enough for you.”

 

I use the idea of Deep Caring to help couples improve their marriages.

Saying you care isn’t proof of deep caring. 

You must provide proof and evidence of that caring.

 

When you deeply care, you’ll DO anything:

  • You’ll make your partner the priority
  • You’ll do many kind and thoughtful things for them. .
  • You’ll go out of your way to demonstrate that you love them.
  • You’ll go out of your way to value and appreciate them.
  • You’ll be affectionate and present when you’re with them.
  • You’ll be thinking mostly of giving and not getting back.

– When Deep Caring is missing, relationships begin to fall apart.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, communication will suffer.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing affection and intimacy are dull and routine.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, people feel neglected and unhappy.

 

Are you demonstrating proof of Deep Caring to your partner? 

No marriage ever gets better unless behaviors are changed. 

 

Talk with me if you care deeply enough about your marriage to want to fix it.

 

Your marriage cannot fix itself.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

When Does Your Man Become a Boy?

All men struggle in their life from time to time. I certainly have.

In those moments, it’s easy to lose sight of who we are, and to know our place in the scheme of things.

We lose perspective.

However, the last thing we want is to be told what to do by you, our significant other. That only brings out our defenses, just as it would you.

As you know, men are taught to suppress their feelings and emotions. While you might not think there is much going on inside of us because of a stoic expression, there’s plenty of internal churning there.

If you want to contribute to it; all you have to do is criticize us, tell us what we’re doing wrong, argue with us, and try to control us. You’ve probably done some of that if you’re willing to be honest.

It all contributes to your man becoming a boy.

You may have forgotten that men want to feel a sense of freedom more than anything else.

Some aspects of that freedom include:

  • Freedom to make our own decisions.
  • Freedom to make our own mistakes.
  • Freedom to struggle and figure it out on our own.

When you insert yourself in the middle of any of those things, the boy in us rises up.

You will always be more effective if you are willing to stay in your feminine; soft, playful, light-hearted, fun, inviting, open, heart-felt, happy, enticing, and even seductive.

Why?

Because that’s what works for us, and that’s what always works, even if you dislike this answer. And any of those things will cause us to step more into our masculine. That’s what you want anyway isn’t it?

The feminine aspects of you are what attracted us in the first place. Anytime you are outside of that, we are likely to feel disconnected from you. Then conflicts will increase, our communication will suffer, and intimacy will fade in the relationship.

And those are the moments when we’ve forgotten who we are.

You can help us remember. Will you?

Or will you greet us with something argumentative, combative, closed, accusatory, blaming, questioning, head-strong, defensive, and unyielding?

That’s of course who we are when we become boys.

We just hope to never see that in you. We don’t even like it in ourselves.

It’s not about who is more right, or who is more important. It’s only about doing the things that keep us feeling connected with each other.

And your feminine does that for us.

If you want to learn what to do to improve the connection in your relationship, read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you’ll learn easy ways to sustain love and passion for a lifetime.

 

 

The #1 Way to Solve Marriage Conflicts

Even the best marriages hiccup from time to time leaving couples feeling separate. And if your marriage has been struggling for years, both partners are unhappy.

So what do you do?

  • If you try to talk to your partner about what they aren’t doing, will things get better?
  • When you tell your partner how you’re feeling about what they aren’t doing, does your relationship improve?

The reason this doesn’t work very is because no one wants to be told what to do. It immediately raises defenses. And when defenses are high, things have a tendency to escalate into disagreements and more unhappiness.  Sometimes things get even worse, leading to finger pointing and blame, followed by significant emotions upsets.

Have you ever been there? I have.

 Where can you get real answers?

  • If you’ve done traditional couples counseling like me, you can often feel more separate when leaving their office than when you went in.
  • It’s not unusual to feel more bitter and resentful after going through both partners’ version of events, issue by issue.

With over 2 million annual divorces in the US despite having 50,000+ couple’s counselors, I believed there had to be a better way of problem solving, so I came up with one.

Here’s how you start to resolve your marriage conflicts:

Spend your energy and effort only on improving the feelings of connection between you and your partner. It’s worked for me, and the hundreds of couples I’ve helped.

For this to happen, you have to be willing to do two things:

  1. You must know what to do, and also what not to do. The only focus should be to increase the feelings of connection between you.
  1. Be willing to do only what works and let go of everything else. Even if you don’t trust your partner, or you’re bitter, and angry. And yes, even if you think all the conflicts are their fault.

Imagine trying to talk to, and solve problems, with someone you have no connection to. That’s not likely to be very productive is it?

But, when people do feel deeply connected, it’s much easier and faster to improve things between you. That’s why the connection is the most important thing to restore. Everything else can wait.

Here’s what keeps people stuck in unhappy marriages:

  1. They are not willing to learn what will work.
  2. They are not willing to do what they know will work.

For many people, this can be a hard truth to swallow.

Here are some better choices:

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, it’s full of immediately helpful ideas that will work to quickly to increase connection.

Talk with me. I will give you my perspective on exactly what’s needed to recover your happiness. The conversation is free. You can sign up here: http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/

 

Change Your Mind,…Change Your Marriage

The rebirth or death of your marriage begins 1st in your mind.

What thoughts are you having about your partner?
• Are they supportive to an intimately shared life?
• Do they feel like they bring you closer together or push you further apart?
• Are they loving and heartfelt, deeply connecting thoughts?

Here are some of the thoughts that I hear from clients about their partners. You might recognize a few.

Why can’t I communicate with my partner? What’s wrong with them?
Why do I feel so disconnected? Do they still love me?
Am I still in love with them? Why are we always arguing?
Why can’t they change? Why do I have to walk on eggshells around them?
Why won’t they listen?…

Are these the types of thoughts that you are having about the person you fell in love with?

If your marriage is struggling, these are likely among the mildest of the thoughts that float through your mind. The actual language might be a little more colorful. I’ve heard plenty of completely unfiltered comments from couples about each other. Ouch!

There was a time in your life when you probably would have done anything to make your partner happy. Do you remember the feeling of being head over heels in love?

What happens? How do couples become so separate?

Changes in a happy marriage can happen all of a sudden, or take years to show up. Either way the changes begin first in the mind of the partners. Then the behaviors towards each other shift, often in the most subtle ways at first.

You start thinking about your partner differently, in a not so compassionate, loving way. And soon after, you begin acting differently towards them. From that moment on your behaviors begin to match your new thoughts. It often initiates a downhill spiral that can be difficult to get yourself out of.

Imagine that your partner could actually hear these thoughts out loud. Would they feel cherished and highly valued by you?

Your thoughts begin to create your future in advance. Your marriage is in a way, a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you begin to think negatively about your partner, soon your behaviors will start to match your thinking.

If you want a happy, fulfilling, deeply connected marriage, think about the things that you and your partner have in common. Think about the things that connect you both. Think about why you love them, and what you want your shared life to be about and look like.

Improving your marriage also starts first in your mind.

Here are a few empowering thoughts that you could act on right now:
• What can you do today to sweep your partner off their feet with love and appreciation?
• What can you notice about them that you truly admire? Be willing to tell them.
• What about your partner do you feel grateful for? Share that with them.

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, The only guide you will ever need to making love last. It will give you dozens of ideas that you can use right away to bring love and intimacy back into your marriage.

You don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to me here and you will get my input and perspective about how to turn your situation around. Talk with me, I work with people all over the world by Skype.

3 Little Ways to Mess Up Any Marriage

Are you doing them?

Where do we get our relationships skills?  Who teaches us how to have a passionate, loving, committed marriage?  Were your parents a good example of how to create an extraordinary relationship?  If you didn’t have a good role model, who did you learn from?

If you’re like most couples today, you are just winging it, and it’s not working.  There is no plan to make it better, and there is no clear understanding of what your partner needs, nor how they communicate.    Maybe you even stopped trying to figure them out because they haven’t done much for you lately.

Here’s a dose of reality:  About 50% of first marriages end in divorce, over 60% of second marriages, and over 70% of third marriages all end in divorce.  Why?  You already know the answer.

So, marriage sucks, and now people want to just live together.  Here’s an interesting fact:  Within the first 5 years, 45% of live-in couples have gone their separate ways.  So much for the idea of just living together in loving bliss, because that’s not working either.

The hard truth is that most couples don’t know how to make a relationship thrive.  Based on my relationship repair work over the last several years, here are the

3 Little Mistakes That Mess Up Any Marriage:

1.  Showing Little Appreciation-  It’s very clear that men feel unappreciated by their women.  It is by far their largest complaint.  They feel unrecognized for all the hard work that they do to provide for the family and it builds into a grumbling resentment over time.  When men feel unappreciated, it becomes much easier for their attention to go where they are appreciated.

Women also feel unappreciated, but it’s different. Most women feel that they struggle for attention from their partner which is an aspect of appreciation.  When they are communicating to their man, and he is distracted by watching TV, on the computer, or working on something, and not paying full attention it reduces trust and respect.  When trust and respect start to disappear, attraction is reduced.

2Misunderstanding Communication –Men and women have different communication styles, and it leads to challenges.  Men typically communicate in short direct ways, while women weave in more details and longer flowing volumes of communication.  Men can have a short attentions span and be asking themselves “what’s the point?”, when listening to their woman talk about something on her mind.  While women know they have a point that they are getting across perfectly clearly.  Unfortunately they are not talking to another woman who would normally get it.  So men get frustrated particularly because they want to fix everything, (huge mistake) and pay less attention, which leads to a loss of attraction, trust and respect.

3.  Assuming Bad Intentions- Everyone makes mistakes, but the real challenges come when one partner believes that the other did something wrong intentionally.  For example: “I’m working my ass off and she only cares that there is money for her to spend, she doesn’t care about me.”. or “I’ve seen the way he looks at other women, he doesn’t care about me”.  I had a situation recently where a woman called her husband “lazy”.   He didn’t take it particularly well understandably, but when we dug into the real reason for the comment, it had nothing to do with him.  It was just a comment that came from frustration about something else.  When we assume that a partner intended to hurt us, or doesn’t care, or is not interested, it often leads to bitterness and resentment.

What are you doing that is hurting your relationship?  What do you not know that you are doing that is eroding trust and respect?  How are you ruining the attraction that your partner has for you?

In my experience, most challenges can be resolved relatively quickly when couples learn new strategies that actually work to create loving, passionate committed marriages.  If you are interested in learning how you might repair your relationship, and completely shift your marriage, email jeff@peakresultscoaching.com  The stakes are incredibly high, and affect the financial and emotional health of both partners, the children, and extended family. The greatest gift you that could give your children is the model of successful, committed, loving relationship.  It’s also exactly what you deserve.

Life Coaching…What’s It All About?

Do you need a Life Coach?

Let’s face it. Along the road of life, we all hit a speed bump or two. Sometimes we  need help navigating over or around them so they don’t stop us in our tracks. Fact is, most of us seek advice from time to time. Informally we may consult with a spouse, other family member, friends, even colleagues at work. But, when talking about business, relationships, or personal matters, answers can be elusive. Most people simply don’t know what works best for the difficult challenges we all face.  Sometimes it takes a professional whose expertise can bridge the gap between our struggle and real solutions.

That’s what life coaching is all about.

All life coaches are different based upon a combination of their personal life experience, coaching experience and training.  Those 3 factors make all the difference in their ability to help you create real results.

Our particular focus is on 3 Key areas that affect happiness and success:

1.  Beliefs- What do you believe about yourself and your potential for success and happiness.  What do you believe about your current life situation?  How do these beliefs affect your confidence and your ability to live the life you want?  What you believe to be true…is.  What you believe is the foundation of your success or failure before you being.   We evaluate whether your beliefs are serving you or not.

2.  Fears- Does fear hold you back in any area of your life?  Fear of failure…fear of success…fear of rejection…fear of not being good enough…fear of change…fears from the past…fear of the future?  People often have some level of fear that holds them back.  We address fears so  that people become free to pursue what they really want.

3.  Strategies- Are the strategies that you are using in your personal life, your work and in your relationships effective?  As an example, most people are using bad strategies in relationships, and it’s a recipe for stress and loss of attraction.  We look at strategies as either Beneficial or not… Helpful or not…Useful or not…Successful or not.  We teach proven strategies that can be implemented immediately.

A life coach can be a very valuable investment in the future that you want.  We believe that with the right help anything is possible.  We work with people at all levels to help them become happier, more successful, and enjoy their lives.

Do you want to overcome stress caused by work issues or rocky relationships at home? Do you have a desire to do something big but find yourself stuck? Is there something that affects your self confidence? Do you know you could do better at work, in social situations, even on the athletic field, but something is holding you back?

Here’s an interesting fact.  Most successful people use some type of coaching.  Imagine an Olympic or professional athlete deciding that they don’t need a coach and can do it all by themselves.  That’s a recipe for failure.  That’s why most CEO’s, successful business leaders, executives, and entrepreneurs use some form of coaching to take their lives, relationships, careers and business to the next level.  Why not you?

Our busy lives need outside guidance to help us become our best.  If you are interested in creating more outstanding results in your personal life, business or your relationships email us to jeff@peakresultscoaching.com   We have the expertise, experience, and perspective to help you create the life you want.  If results matter to you, we have the answers to the areas of life that matter the most.  The life you deserve is closer than you think. Now it’s time to get the help you need to make it happen.

No one is so perfect that they don’t need the guidance of others from time to time.–  Anon

 

 

What Causes Men To Cheat?

Is It Because Men Think About Sex Every 7 Seconds?
Men are seriously interested in sex and think about it frequently.  However when you look beyond the headline hype, they actually think about sex on average 19x per day vs. women at 10x per day.  While even this number might seem high, it’s less than twice an hour. Let’s put it into perspective; men think about food at about the same rate, on average 18x a day.  This data is from a recent 2012 Ohio State University Study of 18-25 year olds.

Men do think about sex more than women, but at almost the same frequency as they think of food.  If men are sex maniacs, they must also be food maniacs.  We must be just a bunch of horny, hungry guys.

So let’s get to the truth.  Based on my interactions with hundreds of men in my coaching practice and through close friendships over the years here is what’s real.

Men don’t cheat solely to get more sex, or because the sex at home isn’t any good.  There is a larger issue at play here.  They frequently cheat when they feel unappreciated from a spouse or partner, and they cheat to feel significant again. Even if it’s for a short period of emotional escape time.  In my opinion, this significance plays a larger role than the need for sexual variety.

This significance is a driving force and can be seen as the need to feel important, special, unique, of value, respected, successful, etc…When a man feels unappreciated at home, he doesn’t say to his wife “honey I feel like you don’t give my enough credit for all I do” or “ I wish you would just tell me how great you think I am”.  Men don’t communicate this way.  They do look for places to get this need to feel important met when they are feeling unappreciated.

Here are a few other triggers that create the opportunity for men to cheat.  When men feel that they can’t make their woman happy, they get frustrated and feel like failures so they look for places to feel successful.  Spending more time at work is a typical place for men to hide from their relationships. Here they are open to available opportunities to feel like men again with someone who treats them like they are special, attractive, valued, wanted, desired, etc.  All more versions of significance.

When men talk about their sexual conquests it’s always in terms of; I did this, and I did that (more significance).  They aren’t talking about the variety of women they have been with, they are talking about what they were able to do, or get the women to do for them.  (more of the feeling significant, successful, unique).  They did it… not me, or someone else… they did it.  They are the man in those moments, even if it’s in their own minds.  Regret and guilt factor in later on.

If you’ve heard anyone talk about the chase, or the excitement of pursuing and bedding a woman, here’s the reason; that’s all part of feeling significant.  They were good enough to seduce her, and persuasive enough to get the job done.

You may remember some famous celebrity men whose success makes women constantly available to them, which of course makes them feel even more significant. They can have any woman they want, so they go from one to the other.  This powerful feeling from position or success (more significance), can lead to a feeling of being entitled to do anything because it reinforces how special they are.  They will usually only stop when a woman makes them feel extraordinary.

Men are not serial cheaters.  In fact according to an Indiana University study men and women cheat at about the same rates today.  This isn’t popular information.  Men are emotional beings just like women. They may not show their feelings, but they’re there below the surface churning away.

If you’re a woman reading this and you want to keep your man faithful, make him feel like he’s your hero, and totally appreciated.  Find opportunities to tell him how great you think he is, or to praise him for something that he’s done for you and/or the family.  Learn how to meet all of his needs in the ways that he prefers to have them met.  Learn how to meet his needs sexually in ways that makes him feel like the special man you have chosen.  If you do, he will never want to leave.