Even the best marriages hiccup from time to time leaving couples feeling separate. And if your marriage has been struggling for years, both partners are unhappy.
So what do you do?
- If you try to talk to your partner about what they aren’t doing, will things get better?
- When you tell your partner how you’re feeling about what they aren’t doing, does your relationship improve?
The reason this doesn’t work very is because no one wants to be told what to do. It immediately raises defenses. And when defenses are high, things have a tendency to escalate into disagreements and more unhappiness. Sometimes things get even worse, leading to finger pointing and blame, followed by significant emotions upsets.
Have you ever been there? I have.
Where can you get real answers?
- If you’ve done traditional couples counseling like me, you can often feel more separate when leaving their office than when you went in.
- It’s not unusual to feel more bitter and resentful after going through both partners’ version of events, issue by issue.
With over 2 million annual divorces in the US despite having 50,000+ couple’s counselors, I believed there had to be a better way of problem solving, so I came up with one.
Here’s how you start to resolve your marriage conflicts:
Spend your energy and effort only on improving the feelings of connection between you and your partner. It’s worked for me, and the hundreds of couples I’ve helped.
For this to happen, you have to be willing to do two things:
- You must know what to do, and also what not to do. The only focus should be to increase the feelings of connection between you.
- Be willing to do only what works and let go of everything else. Even if you don’t trust your partner, or you’re bitter, and angry. And yes, even if you think all the conflicts are their fault.
Imagine trying to talk to, and solve problems, with someone you have no connection to. That’s not likely to be very productive is it?
But, when people do feel deeply connected, it’s much easier and faster to improve things between you. That’s why the connection is the most important thing to restore. Everything else can wait.
Here’s what keeps people stuck in unhappy marriages:
- They are not willing to learn what will work.
- They are not willing to do what they know will work.
For many people, this can be a hard truth to swallow.
Here are some better choices:
Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, it’s full of immediately helpful ideas that will work to quickly to increase connection.
Talk with me. I will give you my perspective on exactly what’s needed to recover your happiness. The conversation is free. You can sign up here: http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/