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[av_heading heading=’The Real Reason Men Cheat’ tag=’h3′ style=” size=” subheading_active=” subheading_size=’15’ padding=’10’ color=” custom_font=”][/av_heading]
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It’s the little things that we fail to do that devastate the relationship drip by poisonous drip. Benign neglect is everywhere.
Is it because men think about sex 19x a day and just want someone to do it with?
Men do think about sex more than women, but at almost the same frequency as they think of food, which is 18x a day. If men are sex maniacs, they must also be food maniacs. We must be just a bunch of horny, hungry guys.
So let’s get to the truth…
Based on my interactions with hundreds of men in my coaching practice and through many close friendships over the years here is what’s real:
Men don’t cheat just to get more sex, or because the sex at home isn’t any good or because they are serial cheaters. Lousy sex and a lack of sex can certainly play a role in whether a man cheats or not.
But, there is a larger issue at play here:
- Men cheat primarily when they feel unappreciated by their spouse or partner.
- And they cheat to feel significant again,…to feel special and valued.
They do it as an emotional escape to fill a void. In my opinion, this need for significance plays a larger role than the need for sexual variety or frequency.
The need to feel valued, respected, appreciated, and important is a driving need that will be met outside the relationship if it’s not met within the relationship.
By far the biggest complaint that I get from men in my private practice is that they often feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Occasionally they even feel used. A lack of gratitude for all that they do for the family, and a lack of appreciation for who they are, creates emptiness.
When a man feels unappreciated at home, he doesn’t say to his wife “Honey I feel like you don’t give my enough credit for all I do” or “I wish you would just show me how important I am to you”, or “Can you express your gratitude regularly for all the sacrifices I make for the family.”
Men don’t communicate this way. So it simmers inside and builds up bitterness and resentment. This can easily be reversed. In my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle I write about ways to prevent affairs and divorce proof your marriage.
Here are a few other triggers that create the opportunity for men to cheat:
- When men feel that they can’t make their woman happy, they get frustrated and feel like failures so they look for other places to feel successful.
- Spending more time at work is a typical place for men to hide from unhappy relationships. Here they are open to available opportunities to feel like men again, with someone who treats them like they are special, attractive, valued, wanted, desired, etc. All more versions of significance. Neglect your man and someone else might make them feel wanted.
- When men talk about their sexual conquests it’s always in terms of; “I did this”, and “I did that” (more significance). They aren’t talking about the variety of women they have been with. They are talking about what they were able to do, or get the women to do for them. (more of the feeling significant, successful, valued, unique). They are the man in those moments, even if it’s in their own minds. Regret and guilt factor in later on.
Think of famous celebrities, politicians, rock starts and highly successful men whose very success makes women constantly available to them, which of course makes them feel even more significant.
It might appear as if they can have most any woman they want, although not true, they might go from one conquest to the other. This powerful feeling because of status, position, or success (more significance), can lead to a feeling of being entitled. To be able to do anything because it reinforces how special they are. These types of men will usually only stop when a woman makes them feel extraordinary and sets solid boundaries for the relationship.
Men are not alone in their cheating.
In fact according to an Indiana University study men and women cheat at about the same rates today.
This isn’t particularly popular information. Men are emotional beings just like women. They may not show their feelings, but they’re there below the surface churning away. And their needs will be met one way or the other as is the case for women.
If you’re a woman reading this and you want to keep your man faithful, read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle and make him feel like he’s your hero, and totally appreciated.
Find opportunities to tell him how great you think he is, or to praise him for something that he’s done for you and/or the family. Learn how to meet all of his needs in the ways that he prefers to have them met. Learn how to light him up sexually in ways that makes him feel like the special man you have chosen. Make him the most important person in the world to you and demonstrate to him that he is. If you do, he will never want to leave you.
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