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Cutting Through the BS of Unhappy Marriages

Unhappy marriages are common.

It’s the pretending it’s not true that makes it stay that way.​​​​​​​

People do not destroy their marriages on purpose.

No one wakes up and says, “Today’s the day I ruin my children’s happiness.”

No one says, “I’m going to create lots of arguments and conflicts this week,

or “I hope to do my part to make my marriage suck starting today.”

No one is intentionally trying to be unhappy, or to intentionally make you unhappy.

But here’s the truth:

If you knew what to do to have a happy and deeply connected marriage, you’d be doing it, And you’d already have it.

Because here’s what’s also true:

If you think you know what to do to stay happily married forever but just refuse to do it, why would anyone want to stay with you.

If you’re not happily married you simply have to decide:

  • You’re either willing to learn, or you’re not.
  • And you’re either willing to do what does works, or you’re not.

And if you’re not, that’s Ok, but refusing to learn what will work says something  about you that your partner needs to know. And It will keep you both stuck forever.

This truth is why people continue to repeat patterns of pain and unhappiness.

My goal is to wake you up to the soft lies and superficial truth that people tell themselves:

  • Things are not OK if you cant’ access your partner’s devices and phone.
  • Things are not Ok if you don’t feel connected or appreciated.
  • Things are not OK if there’s very little affection or intimacy.
  • Things are not Ok if your partner’s having an affair or you don’t trust them.
  • Things are not Ok if you’re in constant conflicts or disagreements..
  • Things are not Ok if you’re walking on egg shells around each other and can’t communicate.

How many days in the year do you feel valued and deeply cared for?

Life is short. We make choices that often don’t serve us. There’s no reason for that to continue if you’re not loving happily together.

Do what’s in it my book.

And talk to me.  Reach out near the bottom of this web page .

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

3 Reasons Your Marriage Isn’t Already Great

Not everyone is ready to hear the truth but here it is…

If your marriage isn’t already great you’re making any of these 3 big mistakes:

  1. You don’t care enough.  

When I work with couples I look for proof of deep caring.

I look for actual evidence that people are willing to do whatever it takes to fix their marriage. I look for people who are willing to make it a priority in their lives. Is that you?

  1. You think you care. 

Because you’re stressed or unhappy doesn’t mean you care deeply.

It’s inconvenient to feel disconnected with your partner, or to be unable to communicate, or to always be arguing, or to be walking on eggshells around each other, or to have poor affection and intimacy.

It can even be painful, but what steps are you taking to change it? Thinking you care is not evidence of doing whatever is needed to get rid of the problems between you.

  1. You”ll waste more time. 

Unless a decision is made immediately to fix your marriage or find great help and hire them, you”ll go through the motions of searching for answers but nothing will change.

This is simply more proof that you don’t care enough to fix the problem once and for all. You can blame your partner but that doesn’t really do anything at all.

Here’s Evidence of Deep Caring

  1. You take responsibility for your role in the disconnect.
  2. You tell yourself the truth about how important this is or isn’t to you. 
  3. You make the adjustments that prove you care deeply. 
  4. You find the answers and implement them right away, or you get the best help you can, and follow their guidance to the best of your ability. 

Do anything else and it’s all superficial caring. A game of pretending to be working on fixing the problems that goes on and on, yet nothing changes.

If you’re doing that you need to care more about your happiness.

What’s your truth?

The evidence and proof of caring are found only in what you are doing. 

Have you read my book and used the ideas?

Have you spoken with me and followed my advice?

Why not?

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

The Mirror Test and What Men Don’t Know

You already know that men and women often see things very differently.

If you’ve read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, then you know there are some real differences between the roles that men and women have in sustaining couple communication, trust and intimacy.

This isn’t something that most men will ever figure out. They need to be taught.

  • If you’re waiting and hoping for your man to understand you better, you’re wasting your time.

That isn’t going to happen unless he talks with someone like me and learns what to do. His idea of what you need and want, is based on his parental relationship models. The same of course is true for you. That’s why relationships often fail.

Our unmet expectations create bitterness and resentment that can be destructive to our feelings of being “in love”.  As you already know, “being in love” is not the same as loving your partner.

The feelings of being ‘in love’ with each other add a magical element to our lives. Without that, it’s just a friendship that brings disappointment.

Will your marriage ever get any better if you don’t do something about it?

  • Some people settle for less because they don’t know what to do.
  • Some people have gotten used to being unhappy.
  • Some people are afraid of trying anymore.
  • And some people have just given up.

These are all just choices.

Take the mirror test. Look yourself in the eyes and ask:

  • Does my marriage fill me with joy?
  • Does my marriage make me feel better about myself?
  • If things stay this way, will I feel proud, or disappointed?
  • And will I accept living my life this way?

Please never give up on your happiness. Some people have conditioned themselves to be ok with disappointment. That’s not a decision that will ever allow you to feel good about yourself.

  • If I don’t feel good about me, how will I ever be happy?
  • And if I don’t feel good about me, how will I ever find peace?

There’s far more at stake in being together as a couple than people realize. This is the thing people don’t know, and it’s crushing their overall happiness.

When you give your relationship the attention it deserves, everything about your life can get better.

If you’re ready to learn what to do, reach out and talk with me here.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

Answers to Couple Communication Questions

How do we improve our Couple Communication?

That’s the most common question I get.

I struggled with this myself early on in my marriage; blaming my wife mostly for the many misunderstandings and disagreements.

What I didn’t know at the time was that it wasn’t our ability to talk with each other or to understand each other that was the problem.

I simply didn’t understand my role in my interactions with her.

That was a big problem.

If you’ve read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle you know that I am not a fan of working on couple communication with the partners. In my experience and opinion, it’s a waste of time.

I believe that communication conflicts are a symptom of a larger issue in the relationship.

What is needed is restoring the feelings of being connected.

This FEELING is what diminishes communication conflicts. This feeling is what allows couples to be able to understand each other clearly. This feeling is what facilitates the resolution of other challenges in the relationship.

I facilitate this by teaching people what to do in their roles of masculine and feminine to restore and sustain the feelings of connection with each other. You might call this chemistry or feelings of being in love.

When this feeling doesn’t exist, neither does the feeling of being deeply cared for.

You already know what happens when you don’t feel deeply cared for.

You cannot talk your way back into restoring feelings of connection.

You can only do that by changing behaviors.

And if you don’t understand your role within masculine and feminine in building connection, you will struggle to improve couple communication, and fail to improve the marriage.

Talk with me.  Reach out to connect with me if you’d like to learn how to improve your marriage.

 

What you do and fail to do is always reflected in the outcome of your marriage.

3 Choices in Couple Communication

In my opinion and experience, the root cause of communication conflicts in marriage is due to a decreased feeling of connection between the two partners.

And that cannot be improved by simply talking about it.

Behaviors have to change in order for the feelings of connection to improve.

Because many of our behaviors are habitual, we often find ourselves in an exchange with our partner that isn’t helpful to the feelings of being connected with them.

In any human interaction, you are doing one of these 3 things:

  • You are Diminishing the interaction,
  • Supporting the interaction,
  • Or Elevating the interaction.

You may want to consider that for a moment.

I’ve certainly been guilty in the past of diminishing the interaction with my wife and causing an escalation  in our disagreement.

How do you relate this to your own interactions with your partner when arguments or misunderstandings happen?

In what category do you find yourself most often?

You might say that you are simply reacting to what they said or did. While this might be true, you also have other choices.

  • You can react and escalate… which often happens….
  • You can stay calm, cool and collected, and listen…
  • You can apologize and soften your tone, even possibly reassuring your partner of your love, support, their value in your life, etc…

This simple understanding was transformational in my own marriage.

If you have read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you understand some of the things I personally did that directly relate to these 3 choices.

If you’d like my thoughts on how to improve your situation, simply reach out here.

 

Remember, what you do and fail to do is always reflected in the outcome of your marriage.  

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