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The Marriage Myth; Being Loved is Not Enough

There is a deep longing we all share;  to matter.

Who will we matter to?

My wife says she loves me.

That’s important.

However…,

  • To be recognized for what I bring into the relationship,
  • To feel valued,
  • To be acknowledged for what I give.
  • To be given credit where due,
  • And to feel appreciated,

is more meaningful.

Being loved is not enough.

Your partner’s words of love will echo into the blankness of space without their valuing you.

You’ll soon wonder if they do actually love you.

Do you feel deeply cared for?

That’s the benchmark.

What evidence of that exists in your life?

And what proof does your partner have of you deeply caring for, and valuing them?

Whenever someone says your name with anything of value; it’s empowering.

When they speak your name with negativity; it’s diminishing to connection.

Criticism is destructive. To be pointed out wrong can undermine confidence.

We are not here to fix our partner. That’s up to them.

How do you demonstrated love to your partner?

Our effort to give must be acknowledged in some way, or soon I may not try so hard.

You and your partner will figure out how to love and value each other by proof and evidence of that, or you will disconnect.

My work with couples teaches both partners separately how to do that. In my experience, his and her version of events can be a complete waste of time and lead nowhere.

Unless you provide proof and evidence to your partner that you care deeply about them, your words have no value.

You must understand what that proof looks like or your marriage will remain unhappy forever,…if you choose to stay together.

I’d like to help you. You can reach out and talk with me here.

You have read my book right?

What you fail to do is often just the thing that will cause your marriage to fail.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

Where’s Your Proof of Love?

How do I know my wife loves me?

Just because she says so…?

Is that enough?

What evidence in my life points to her loving me?

And what keeps me in this relationship with her if she isn’t offering me substantial proof of her love for me?

These are real questions.

I want you to think about them for your relationship.

What proof…, What evidence do you give your partner every single day that you truly love them?

If you’re not offering something tangible and solid they won’t feel it.

  • The words I love you become superficial.
  • A ritualistic hug and kiss here or there is not the same as affection.
  • Obligatory sex is not passion.
  • Talking about the kids doesn’t create feelings of intimate connection.
  • Watching TV or being on your phones together does not help communication.

Where’s the deep caring?

How do you specifically demonstrate that you value your partner?

Is that enough for them?  Are they doing enough for you?

Do they fully and completely trust you? Do you trust them fully?

When trust leaves the relationship it’s impossible to be happy.

Now…

Do you love yourself enough to tell yourself the truth about your marriage?

This is where it gets interesting.  

  • What are you putting up with?
  • What standard have you settled for love?
  • What stories, and soft lies, and rationalizations are you living?
  • Where are you pretending it’s ok, when it’s not?

Do you love them enough to want to improve your marriage?

Do they love you enough to be willing to participate?

Read my book together.

Talk with me for direct answers to your situation.

Your commitment is what transforms a promise into reality.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

I Need to Feel Valued…

Our intellectual capacity to ignore our own longings and yearnings is self-destructive.

We ignore the very things we want the most in our lives because we are unwilling to tell ourselves the truth:

I need love.
I need to feel valued…

Are You Still Missing Out?

A ran into an old friend recently who had heard about my book on marriage.

At one point in the conversation he said:

 

I’ve got my marriage right where I want it….

to the point that I just don’t care anymore.

 

I responded:

  • You don’t care about love?
  • You don’t care about deeply sharing your life?
  • You don’t care about affection, intimacy and passionate sex?
  • You don’t care about your happiness and longevity?

He said;

Of course I care about all of that stuff, who doesn’t want that?

I’ve just given up on that with her and I have no interest in doing anything about it.

 

To which I said:

Why not get divorced?

 

He said:

It will cost me too much money.

 

I then said:

Ok, so you have decided to fence yourself in to a life of unhappiness

Even though you know there are ways out.

You’re like the bee that gets stuck in your car, and you open all the windows…

But the bee keeps banging its head over and over against the front windshield.

Even though there are multiple possibilities to escape the unhappiness

You’ve already decided to continue to suffer.

 

He was visibly irritated with me.

 

A few days later his wife called to tell me that something I had said

had woken him up and that they wanted to hear my ideas on restoring

their marriage.

 

Life is far too short to be  wasted on unnecessary unhappiness.

I urge you to do something about your marriage so that it enriches

and magnifies your life experience.

 

Find someone who can help you. Learn what you can do.

What you don’t know is limiting your options and you are missing out.

 

I want to wake you up to the reality that something better is in fact

possible whether you believe it or not.

 

You will not create a solution on your own when you have lost perspective.

The windows are open, but you just can’t see it.

 

Talk with me before all the windows close,

Click www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com and set up a conversation today.

 

3 Little Ways to Mess Up Any Marriage

Are you doing them?

Where do we get our relationships skills?  Who teaches us how to have a passionate, loving, committed marriage?  Were your parents a good example of how to create an extraordinary relationship?  If you didn’t have a good role model, who did you learn from?

If you’re like most couples today, you are just winging it, and it’s not working.  There is no plan to make it better, and there is no clear understanding of what your partner needs, nor how they communicate.    Maybe you even stopped trying to figure them out because they haven’t done much for you lately.

Here’s a dose of reality:  About 50% of first marriages end in divorce, over 60% of second marriages, and over 70% of third marriages all end in divorce.  Why?  You already know the answer.

So, marriage sucks, and now people want to just live together.  Here’s an interesting fact:  Within the first 5 years, 45% of live-in couples have gone their separate ways.  So much for the idea of just living together in loving bliss, because that’s not working either.

The hard truth is that most couples don’t know how to make a relationship thrive.  Based on my relationship repair work over the last several years, here are the

3 Little Mistakes That Mess Up Any Marriage:

1.  Showing Little Appreciation-  It’s very clear that men feel unappreciated by their women.  It is by far their largest complaint.  They feel unrecognized for all the hard work that they do to provide for the family and it builds into a grumbling resentment over time.  When men feel unappreciated, it becomes much easier for their attention to go where they are appreciated.

Women also feel unappreciated, but it’s different. Most women feel that they struggle for attention from their partner which is an aspect of appreciation.  When they are communicating to their man, and he is distracted by watching TV, on the computer, or working on something, and not paying full attention it reduces trust and respect.  When trust and respect start to disappear, attraction is reduced.

2Misunderstanding Communication –Men and women have different communication styles, and it leads to challenges.  Men typically communicate in short direct ways, while women weave in more details and longer flowing volumes of communication.  Men can have a short attentions span and be asking themselves “what’s the point?”, when listening to their woman talk about something on her mind.  While women know they have a point that they are getting across perfectly clearly.  Unfortunately they are not talking to another woman who would normally get it.  So men get frustrated particularly because they want to fix everything, (huge mistake) and pay less attention, which leads to a loss of attraction, trust and respect.

3.  Assuming Bad Intentions- Everyone makes mistakes, but the real challenges come when one partner believes that the other did something wrong intentionally.  For example: “I’m working my ass off and she only cares that there is money for her to spend, she doesn’t care about me.”. or “I’ve seen the way he looks at other women, he doesn’t care about me”.  I had a situation recently where a woman called her husband “lazy”.   He didn’t take it particularly well understandably, but when we dug into the real reason for the comment, it had nothing to do with him.  It was just a comment that came from frustration about something else.  When we assume that a partner intended to hurt us, or doesn’t care, or is not interested, it often leads to bitterness and resentment.

What are you doing that is hurting your relationship?  What do you not know that you are doing that is eroding trust and respect?  How are you ruining the attraction that your partner has for you?

In my experience, most challenges can be resolved relatively quickly when couples learn new strategies that actually work to create loving, passionate committed marriages.  If you are interested in learning how you might repair your relationship, and completely shift your marriage, email jeff@peakresultscoaching.com  The stakes are incredibly high, and affect the financial and emotional health of both partners, the children, and extended family. The greatest gift you that could give your children is the model of successful, committed, loving relationship.  It’s also exactly what you deserve.