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The Measure of Love You Feel

Marriage can be a funny thing. It’s never really what people expect it to be. For most it’s something less.

Those unmet expectations….The disappointment can be devastating.

The most common complaint I hear is:“I love them but I’m no longer in love with them. “

That’s a surprisingly easy problem to solve.

In my experience if you were in-love with your partner earlier in your marriage, you can feel in love with them again.

All you have to do is restore the Feeling of connection between you. That’ also the only thing that will ever work.

Being in love is a feeling, isn’t it.

It’s not something that should happen, or ought to be there all the time. It either is, or it isn’t there all by itself.

  • You can’t talk your way back in love with someone.
  • You can’t think your way there.
  • And the feeling of being in love doesn’t naturally fade over time.

The only reason so many couples experience that is they stop doing the things that created their deep connection initially.

Any marriage that’s on auto-pilot will lose the feelings of being in-love.

If you want proof of how deeply fulfilling your marriage is: Tell me how much joy you experience daily with your partner.

That’s the evidence that says it all. It’s also a measure of how in-love you feel.

You can convince yourself of lots of things. But you cannot convince yourself of feeling joy with someone or being in-love, when it’s not true.

Marriage can be the most extraordinary thing, filled with precious moments, magic, and treasured memories.

  • Your shared love never has to fade.

But not everyone wants an extraordinary marriage. If you do, talk with me. It’s the most important work I do.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

When Does Your Man Become a Boy?

All men struggle in their life from time to time. I certainly have.

In those moments, it’s easy to lose sight of who we are, and to know our place in the scheme of things.

We lose perspective.

However, the last thing we want is to be told what to do by you, our significant other. That only brings out our defenses, just as it would you.

As you know, men are taught to suppress their feelings and emotions. While you might not think there is much going on inside of us because of a stoic expression, there’s plenty of internal churning there.

If you want to contribute to it; all you have to do is criticize us, tell us what we’re doing wrong, argue with us, and try to control us. You’ve probably done some of that if you’re willing to be honest.

It all contributes to your man becoming a boy.

You may have forgotten that men want to feel a sense of freedom more than anything else.

Some aspects of that freedom include:

  • Freedom to make our own decisions.
  • Freedom to make our own mistakes.
  • Freedom to struggle and figure it out on our own.

When you insert yourself in the middle of any of those things, the boy in us rises up.

You will always be more effective if you are willing to stay in your feminine; soft, playful, light-hearted, fun, inviting, open, heart-felt, happy, enticing, and even seductive.

Why?

Because that’s what works for us, and that’s what always works, even if you dislike this answer. And any of those things will cause us to step more into our masculine. That’s what you want anyway isn’t it?

The feminine aspects of you are what attracted us in the first place. Anytime you are outside of that, we are likely to feel disconnected from you. Then conflicts will increase, our communication will suffer, and intimacy will fade in the relationship.

And those are the moments when we’ve forgotten who we are.

You can help us remember. Will you?

Or will you greet us with something argumentative, combative, closed, accusatory, blaming, questioning, head-strong, defensive, and unyielding?

That’s of course who we are when we become boys.

We just hope to never see that in you. We don’t even like it in ourselves.

It’s not about who is more right, or who is more important. It’s only about doing the things that keep us feeling connected with each other.

And your feminine does that for us.

If you want to learn what to do to improve the connection in your relationship, read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you’ll learn easy ways to sustain love and passion for a lifetime.

 

 

3 Ways to Increase Intimacy

By far the biggest complaint I hear from couples is that they no longer feel intimately connected with each other.

This creates real and often devastating consequences.

Lack of an emotional connection is the #1 cause of divorce. 
What started off as that deep feeling of chemistry and connection fades away.
And it often catches one partner by surprise.  Do not let that be you.
 
There are things you can do right now, today, to begin to restore the feelings of deep connection.
Here are 3 things:
  1. Give your partner more focused attention. Put down the phones and remotes and truly see them when you talk with them. Give them the value and appreciation they deserve.
  1. Tell your partner specifically what you admire in them. Why are you proud of them? What are you grateful for about them?
  1. Initiate the repair of any misunderstandings without getting into details of why you might have said or done this or that. Simply own your part in any disconnect and apologize. It could be as simple as “Hey, I just want you to know that I’m really sorry for my part yesterday. I love you.

Here’s where you can go wrong:

  1. You think you are paying attention, but you are not totally present for them. If you fake it, they will know. You are waiting for them to value and appreciate you. Go first.
  2. Don’t bother saying anything complimentary if you don’t believe it or feel it. They will know what’s real and what’s not. Be prepared. Say exactly why you are proud, or what you are grateful for.
  3. Do not apologize to get an apology back.  Focus on doing your part only and be perfectly Ok if they don’t own their responsibility right away.

Get the help you need.

  1. It’s hard to have the perspective needed to see the real issues between you. People waste time chasing symptoms instead. And trying to resolve issues on your own can make them worse.
  2. You are limited by what you know. It’s what you don’t know that will transform your marriage.
  3. Larger issues that cause bitterness and resentment cannot be resolved without outside help. There are too many emotions involved for you to be effective.

Reach out to me.

The marriage that you want and deserve may be much closer than you think.

Most relationship problems can be repaired in short time frames. I know, because I have helped hundreds of couples restore intimacy, improve communication, rebuild trust, and resolve their conflicts.

And most of those couples found me after failed couples counseling. Doing nothing, or waiting and hoping for your situation improve, is not a strategy for success.

You and your partner deserve a chance for real happiness together.

Talk with me. I will give you my thoughts on how to repair your situation without obligation.

http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/ Sign up at the bottom of the page.

The 7 Levels of Trusthworthiness Affecting the Intimacy and Happiness of Your Marriage

In the back of your mind you are wondering this about your partner:

Will you be there for me in the way that I need you to,… and when I need you?

  • And what happens to me when you aren’t there for me?
  • And what’s the impact of that on you, and on us?

This is a foundational aspect of trustworthiness in any relationship. 

Imagine that you want to talk with your partner about something that’s important to you. It could be anything at all.  A tiny piece of nonsense that you heard from someone, or a big thing about work, family, health etc…

In the moment you want to share something with your partner, and they aren’t tuned into truly listening to you, the connection between you wavers ever so slightly.

A small aspect of trust gets depleted.

  • Imagine this occurring often.
  • Imagine that you realize you can’t count on them.
  • Where trust goes, intimacy and happiness are certain to follow.

The mind begins to churn out thoughts that are going to begin to further deplete intimacy and happiness.

  • “Don’t I matter enough or deserve better than that from you.?”
  • “Don’t you care enough about me to pay attention?”
  • “What’s wrong with you…what’s your problem?”
  • “What’s wrong with me…don’t you love me anymore?”

This is only the beginning. The first domino has fallen. Conflicts will increase and communication will suffer. Intimacy fades fast.

Here are 7 Levels of Trustworthiness:

  1. Collaborative Trustworthiness- Both partners are equally focused on being trustworthy to each other, with shared vision, core values and relationship goals. This is ideal.

 

  1. Reflective Trustworthiness- I’m trustworthy only to the level that you hold me accountable. Pay attention to the little things you let me get away with.

 

  1. Paradoxical Trustworthiness- You should trust me even though I don’t trust you. This will cause bitterness and resentment. Are we aligned on the things that matter?

 

  1. Participatory Trustworthiness- I choose when I’m willing to be trustworthy. You don’t need to know what I’m doing over here. I’m trustworthy in other areas…kind of, maybe. A normally trustworthy person begins to be selective in their honesty. Honor your intuition and look for contradictions. Reinforce your shared values and honesty.

 

  1. Empirical Trustworthiness- I trust you only to the degree that I can verify. I will drive you crazy trying to control you because I can’t trust what I can’t see. Tell yourself the truth. Is this about you, or is your partner simply untrustworthy and you don’t want to believe it?

 

  1. Unconditional Trustworthiness- I trust you no matter what you are doing to me. This is how people get taken advantage of and blind sided with hurt. Lines must be drawn about what is acceptable and what’s not. Does your partner know where you draw the line with unacceptable behavior or neglect?

 

  1. Deceptive Trustworthiness- I appear trustworthy, but trust me at your own peril. I’m operating on my own agenda. I will lie constantly and the web of lies will grow and envelope you. This isn’t ever going to be a healthy relationship unless I wake up and change. What’s the likelihood of that happening?

 

 It’s the little things we fail to do that begin to tear apart the foundation of the marriage.

 This happens most often because we really don’t know any better. Do you demonstrate to me regularly that you value me in your life?  Do I matter enough to make the needs of our shared togetherness your priority?

Marriages can easily get put on auto-pilot because we are simply caught up in own busy lives.

  • Do you know to create a deeply connected and high trust relationship?
  • Will you prioritize us to make sure that you do your part along with me?

If there are issues of trust and increasing levels of conflict in the marriage, you will likely need outside help. Your emotions will get the best of you. Trying to solve the problem by fixing your partner will only backfire and make things worse.

Talk with me. I have helped hundreds of couples restore trust, love and intimacy in their marriages.

Sign up for your Free PEAK Relationship Conversation today.