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Where’s Your Proof of Love?

How do I know my wife loves me?

Just because she says so…?

Is that enough?

What evidence in my life points to her loving me?

And what keeps me in this relationship with her if she isn’t offering me substantial proof of her love for me?

These are real questions.

I want you to think about them for your relationship.

What proof…, What evidence do you give your partner every single day that you truly love them?

If you’re not offering something tangible and solid they won’t feel it.

  • The words I love you become superficial.
  • A ritualistic hug and kiss here or there is not the same as affection.
  • Obligatory sex is not passion.
  • Talking about the kids doesn’t create feelings of intimate connection.
  • Watching TV or being on your phones together does not help communication.

Where’s the deep caring?

How do you specifically demonstrate that you value your partner?

Is that enough for them?  Are they doing enough for you?

Do they fully and completely trust you? Do you trust them fully?

When trust leaves the relationship it’s impossible to be happy.

Now…

Do you love yourself enough to tell yourself the truth about your marriage?

This is where it gets interesting.  

  • What are you putting up with?
  • What standard have you settled for love?
  • What stories, and soft lies, and rationalizations are you living?
  • Where are you pretending it’s ok, when it’s not?

Do you love them enough to want to improve your marriage?

Do they love you enough to be willing to participate?

Read my book together.

Talk with me for direct answers to your situation.

Your commitment is what transforms a promise into reality.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

5 Ways to End the Disappointment

Too many marriages are in crisis today.

The number of client inquiries that I get about affairs and sexting continues to surprise me.

Here are some easy things to do:

 Get Access to Your Partner’s Phone

I’ve talked about this before. If your partner is hesitant about giving you access I would take that as a danger sign. There is no reasonable reason why you shouldn’t be able to access your partner’s phone messages and email anytime you want.  Show them this article if they resist.

If a marriage is about trust, openness, and transparency, and your partner wants to hide and cover-up, get help right away.

  1. Value Your Partner.

Be certain that they feel deeply cared for and appreciated by you. It’s far too easy to take them for granted when things are Ok. And that neglect has a hefty price.

You must understand what THEY need, not what you need.

  1. Offset Your Own Stress

What are you doing to take care of your own stress? Stress builds up from work, kids, family obligations, health issues, financial pressures, etc…When you neglect yourself your emotional stability shifts and inevitably interferes with beneficial couple interactions. The more stress you are under the less you are able to demonstrate valuing your partner.

  1. Take an Interest in Their Work Environment

Since many affairs happen from the workplace, Make sure that you are participating in and sharing your partner’s work life. Go there if possible. Communicate during the day. Express your interest and curiosity about their work and the people they work with.

  1. Pay Attention

Subtle changes occur when a partner is having an affair. Their mood changes. Guilt can produce anger directed at you or withdrawal. These behaviors can become obvious well into the affair, but frequently exist right away. With our fast-paced digitally driven lives we often overlook what’s right in front of us.

End the Disappointment of an Unhappy Marriage

Get help. Don’t waste precious time trying to figure it out on your own.

Read my book.  You’ll learn what works and what doesn’t.

Talk with me.  You’ll get direct answers for any relationship challenge.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

5 Real Reasons that Cause Couples to Separate

It’s easy to feel attracted to someone. But that doesn’t mean the relationship will last.

When the feelings of connection start to diminish, the foundation of the relationship begins to crumble. Without an understanding of why that’s happening, or the right help, things are likely to get worse.

Here are 5 Real Reasons Couples Separate:

  1. Whether your love is deep enough for each other.

The feelings of chemistry and deep connection that create higher levels of devotion also mute conflicts. That must be shared. One person may be head-over-heels in love and willing to do anything for their partner, only to find they get very little back. That wears thin quickly.

  1. Whether you are on the same page about what’s most important to you both.

When you are out of alignment on the things that matter, they will become a never ending source of conflict. These always revolve around which partner is more right, and which partner is more important. There is no remedy when you are caught up in proving you are right and your partner is wrong. No one wins.

  1. Whether you are mature enough to share your life with another person.

Not everyone is ready to be in a committed long term relationship. They think they are, but still might want to feel independent based on how they define it, often at direct odds with their partner’s rules for love. Lasting intimate relationships are not; love when I feel like it, and tantrums. A high level of commitment is required for the relationship to last. A willingness to get love or sex is not the same as giving and initiating what’s needed.

  1. Whether you are with each other for meaningful reasons or superficial ones.

The reasons that couples get together often come from a fantasized ideal about relationships. The right person matters far more than any reason; They will make me happy, I want a family, They are successful, They are extremely attractive, The sex is great, The have lots of potential, I don’t want to be alone, It’s easier than dating and I said I would get married by age 31.  These are not lasting reasons to be together.

      5. Whether you are willing to accept each other imperfections.

None of us is perfect, but it’s easier to see your partner’s imperfections. When you focus on what’s missing or everything they do wrong, you miss all their great qualities.  The longer you focus on those things that bug you, the less you will be able to see what you loved.

  • Will you be more in love or less, by the end of 2018?
  • Will you feel more deeply connected or more separate?

What you do and fail to do for your partner will always be reflected in the outcome of your relationship. In today’s digitally distracted world, couples tend to neglect each other far more than they realize. It easily leads to disconnect, unhappiness, emotional and physical affairs, and divorce.

For straight answers about making love last read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle.

Reach out for relationship support here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Thanksgiving Wisdom for Your Marriage

It’s been an interesting 12 years of helping couples fix their marriages.

I’ve seen pretty much anything you could ever imagine times 3.

I’ve worked with swingers and swappers, open marriages, gay and lesbian relationships, and every type of physical and emotional affair possible.

The common themes are all the same:

  • People don’t know what to do in order to have the love and intimacy they crave.
  • They make simple mistakes frequently that sever the feelings of connection. That’s where the downhill spiral begins. And that’s what must change for things to get better.
  • They have undisclosed expectations that of course remain unmet. This creates unhappiness and bitterness that builds up.
  • They blame and finger point without realizing that they are active participants in the disconnect as well. Are you willing to shine the spotlight of truth on yourself?
  • People often unknowingly bring their personal stress into each interaction adding a disconnecting wedge.
  • There’s more….
Here’s what you need to remember:
Disagreements and arguments are only about two things:
  1.   Who is more right
  2.   And who is more important.
 
People will do what gets their needs met… either inside,… or outside of your marriage.

This Thanksgiving and through the Holidays do not try to solve any relationship problems on your own.

Do not get into heated discussions about what your partner isn’t doing for you. Stress levels are high enough. There’s no reason to add to it.

Here’s what to do instead:

  • Make a decision to get help as soon as possible. With or without your partner.
  • Do what you can to personally offset your own inner stress. Take care of you!
  • Be kind to your partner. Be considerate of their stress levels.
  • Choose to be as peaceful as possible. Creating additional pressure for them to change or ultimatums will backfire.
Wishing you and your family a loving, and peaceful Thanksgiving!
 
Remember… Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 
nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Why 2 Million Marriages Crash and Burn Each Year

No one is intentionally creating unhappiness in their marriage. It happens because people don’t have the skills needed to live and love happily ever after.

Your marriage will model many of the behaviors that you saw in your parents’ interactions. That’s just a conditioned reality.

That experience can be a recipe for success, or a recipe for unhappiness.

If what you saw back then wasn’t joyful, affectionate, loving and communicative, your marriage is likely to be challenging.

Why?

Because having a great relationship is a skill. It’s a learned behavior.

No different than flying a plane.

You can learn how to do that really well. But you have to get an expert to either model that for you, or to teach you.

You will not figure out how to fly a plane on your own, and you won’t have a successful marriage if you don’t have the skills.

To pretend you’re a pilot when you’re not will end in disaster.

To imagine that you have the skills for a happy and deeply fulfilling marriage may not be accurate, if that isn’t what exits in your life right now.

You could think of lots or reasons why it isn’t that way, but the truth is whatever it is.

Your success won’t come because you want it to, or because you love your partner.

It will come because you were willing to learn the skills to pilot your marriage successfully.

  • Wanting it to work isn’t enough.
  • Hoping it’s going to get better will end in disappointment.
  • Learning and doing what works is all that matters.

What you and your partner know about sustaining love for a lifetime will always be reflected in your results.

Each year over 2 million couples divorce. It’s not because they’ve fallen out of love. It’s because they didn’t know what to do to keep love alive for a lifetime.

Here are easy ways to learn the skills:

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

Reach out and talk to me here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Only 2 Real Marriage Issues to Fix

Having a great marriage isn’t a hard thing to do. Telling ourselves the truth is more difficult. And that’s what keeps people stuck in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages.

  1. You don’t how to have a happy marriage-

This was an unpleasant truth that I had to tell myself years ago.  I really didn’t know what I was doing, even though I wanted to blame my wife for everything wrong in our marriage.

  • Did I know how to prevent conflicts or resolve them peacefully? Nope!
  • Did I know what to do to keep our chemistry and intimacy high? Thought I did, but not really.
  • Did I know how to keep communication open and easy? Definitely not!
  • Did I understand what she needed from me the most? Absolutely not.
  • Did I know how to affair proof our marriage? Not a clue.

Why not?

Who was going to teach me all of these things? My dad who left when I was 15? The couples counselor we went to who blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage, and suggested we get a divorce?

You may know there are over 50,000 traditional couples counselors in the US, yet over 2 million divorces each year. Many are not teaching people what works and what doesn’t very effectively.

  1. You and your partner look at life and marriage differently-

Another truth that I had to tell myself was that:

I didn’t understand women very well.

My wife and I had different rules for love. Different rules for what being married meant, and different needs.

We certainly didn’t see eye to eye on lots of issues. Did talking about her version and my version of events with a couples counselor help us?

No! It only caused us to feel more separate and bitter.

When I solved these 2 real marriage issues, our relationship went from unhappy to amazing.

In my opinion, most people don’t need couples counseling. They need to be educated on what works and what doesn’t, and why.

They need simple skills, tools and strategies to have happy marriages that lasts forever.

That’s what I teach.

Reach out to me here if you want to solve these issues for good. I’d like to help you do that.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot. 

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. – Dr. Seuss

 

3 Choices in Couple Communication

In my opinion and experience, the root cause of communication conflicts in marriage is due to a decreased feeling of connection between the two partners.

And that cannot be improved by simply talking about it.

Behaviors have to change in order for the feelings of connection to improve.

Because many of our behaviors are habitual, we often find ourselves in an exchange with our partner that isn’t helpful to the feelings of being connected with them.

In any human interaction, you are doing one of these 3 things:

  • You are Diminishing the interaction,
  • Supporting the interaction,
  • Or Elevating the interaction.

You may want to consider that for a moment.

I’ve certainly been guilty in the past of diminishing the interaction with my wife and causing an escalation  in our disagreement.

How do you relate this to your own interactions with your partner when arguments or misunderstandings happen?

In what category do you find yourself most often?

You might say that you are simply reacting to what they said or did. While this might be true, you also have other choices.

  • You can react and escalate… which often happens….
  • You can stay calm, cool and collected, and listen…
  • You can apologize and soften your tone, even possibly reassuring your partner of your love, support, their value in your life, etc…

This simple understanding was transformational in my own marriage.

If you have read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you understand some of the things I personally did that directly relate to these 3 choices.

If you’d like my thoughts on how to improve your situation, simply reach out here.

 

Remember, what you do and fail to do is always reflected in the outcome of your marriage.