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THIS is the Truth About Marriage and Divorce

Any marriage can be turned around.

Unless one of you doesn’t want that to happen.

 

There are only things that get in the way,

and there are things that need to be learned.

 

Understanding what they are, and being willing to make

the behavioral adjustments is all that’s ever needed.

 

Nothing else will be successful.

Marriages don’t fail by themselves.

 

People fail to do what serves and supports the deep

feeling of connection.

 

And that starts the unraveling of the bond of the relationship.

 

Resulting in millions of affairs, secretive texting and sexting,

and divorce.

  • If you want to communicate better…
  • If you want to increase affection and intimacy…
  • If you want to resolve conflicts…
  • If you want to build trust…
  • If you want to prevent affairs…
  • If you want to prevent divorce…

Then focus on deepening your connection.

Without that nothing will help.

 

That’s where Your things get in the way.

And that’s where You need to learn. 

Of course the same is true of your partner.

 

Educate yourself. Be willing to admit what you might not know.

Most importantly be willing to get the right help.

 

The information to improve your marriage is easily available here.

The guidance to do that is right here.

 

What you fail to do is often the very thing that creates disconnect

leading to your own unhappiness.

.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss.

 

 

 

No Marriage is a 50-50 Equal Partnership

Maybe you’ve been led to believe that a good marriage is a 50% – 50% partnership.

It’s not true.

In fact, no partnership is really ever 50%-50%

I’ve been in several partnerships in my business career
and worked to resolve dozens of business partner conflicts.

Here’s what I experienced:
• Someone is always doing a little more.
• Sometimes one partner is doing a lot more.
• Sometimes the rewards are not equal.
• Sometimes personal stress interferes with the partnership.
That’s also true of marriage.

There may be times when you feel like you’re doing almost everything.
There may be times when your partner feels like what they do isn’t valued equally.

I can say it should be a 50%-50% effort in my marriage.

But that won’t make it a reality.
And my wife’s idea of 50%-50% if surely different than mine.
This I know to be true!

Here’s how I resolved this in my mind and part of my marriage repair process.

I decided to take 100% responsibility for my marriage success.

Why?

Initially it was an experiment. I didn’t know what would happen.

I discovered that by doing more I was able to completely resolve my marriage issues.
• My vision for the level of happiness, connection, and intimacy was realized.
• My wife did more and often surprised me with her efforts.
• It saved my marriage.
Forget the 50%-50% idea. It’s not real.

Focus on taking 100% responsibility to do your part.
If you know what to do and what not to do, it will dramatically improve your marriage.

If you want answers for your marriage, read my book.
If you want my personal guidance, reach out and talk to me here.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. -Dr. Seuss

Do You Really Care Enough?

Many couples go through the motions of caring for each other.

 

Do you care for your partner but give less than you used to? 

 

It’s not that you’re neglecting each other, ti’s more of a superficial caring kind of thing.

Plus your both really busy.,. Lots to do.

 

I see this often in couples I work with.

 

There’s another version of caring I call pretend caring.

That looks a lot like neglect.

People claim to care but don’t do much to really show it.

 

They defend it to each other this way:

 

” I’m here, I showed up didn’t I.”

” I haven’t left”.

“What’s your problem now”

“I do alot more for you than you do for me.”

“Nothing’s ever enough for you.”

 

I use the idea of Deep Caring to help couples improve their marriages.

Saying you care isn’t proof of deep caring. 

You must provide proof and evidence of that caring.

 

When you deeply care, you’ll DO anything:

  • You’ll make your partner the priority
  • You’ll do many kind and thoughtful things for them. .
  • You’ll go out of your way to demonstrate that you love them.
  • You’ll go out of your way to value and appreciate them.
  • You’ll be affectionate and present when you’re with them.
  • You’ll be thinking mostly of giving and not getting back.

– When Deep Caring is missing, relationships begin to fall apart.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, communication will suffer.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing affection and intimacy are dull and routine.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, people feel neglected and unhappy.

 

Are you demonstrating proof of Deep Caring to your partner? 

No marriage ever gets better unless behaviors are changed. 

 

Talk with me if you care deeply enough about your marriage to want to fix it.

 

Your marriage cannot fix itself.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Cutting Through the BS of Unhappy Marriages

Unhappy marriages are common.

It’s the pretending it’s not true that makes it stay that way.​​​​​​​

People do not destroy their marriages on purpose.

No one wakes up and says, “Today’s the day I ruin my children’s happiness.”

No one says, “I’m going to create lots of arguments and conflicts this week,

or “I hope to do my part to make my marriage suck starting today.”

No one is intentionally trying to be unhappy, or to intentionally make you unhappy.

But here’s the truth:

If you knew what to do to have a happy and deeply connected marriage, you’d be doing it, And you’d already have it.

Because here’s what’s also true:

If you think you know what to do to stay happily married forever but just refuse to do it, why would anyone want to stay with you.

If you’re not happily married you simply have to decide:

  • You’re either willing to learn, or you’re not.
  • And you’re either willing to do what does works, or you’re not.

And if you’re not, that’s Ok, but refusing to learn what will work says something  about you that your partner needs to know. And It will keep you both stuck forever.

This truth is why people continue to repeat patterns of pain and unhappiness.

My goal is to wake you up to the soft lies and superficial truth that people tell themselves:

  • Things are not OK if you cant’ access your partner’s devices and phone.
  • Things are not Ok if you don’t feel connected or appreciated.
  • Things are not OK if there’s very little affection or intimacy.
  • Things are not Ok if your partner’s having an affair or you don’t trust them.
  • Things are not Ok if you’re in constant conflicts or disagreements..
  • Things are not Ok if you’re walking on egg shells around each other and can’t communicate.

How many days in the year do you feel valued and deeply cared for?

Life is short. We make choices that often don’t serve us. There’s no reason for that to continue if you’re not loving happily together.

Do what’s in it my book.

And talk to me.  Reach out near the bottom of this web page .

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Relationship Transforming Wisdom; Comfort vs. Cold

Want to turn your marriage around, or give it an uplifting boost?

Think in terms of providing Comfort vs. Cold.

You’ll really want to think about this, or you’ll miss out on one of the most relationship transforming things you can do.

How you fail to interact with your partner is the very thing that creates feelings of separateness that leads to conflicts and the loss of love.

If you are providing Comfort you are being: supportive, affectionate, warm, caring, appreciative, communicative, sensual, open, present, and generous with how you value your partner, etc…

Offering your partner Cold comes in the form of what you don’t do:

  • Cold is found in your superficial rituals and patterns of interaction.
  • It’s the emotional and physical void that exists between you filled with distance.
  • It’s benign neglect caused by taking your partner for granted.
  • It’s failing to initiate comfort because you’re ok with the status quo.
  • It’s failing to give enough proof that you value them.
  • It’s allowing the separateness to grow both physically and emotionally between you, and doing nothing about it.

When the Cold you provide is greater than the Comfort, your marriage is in trouble.

  • Does your partner feel fully supported by you?
  • Do they feel deeply cared for and valued?
  • Are you generous with affection, attention and appreciation?

What we fail to do is always the deciding factor in the success and happiness of our marriage.

Reach out here to get my guidance on your situation.  

Unless someone like you cares a while awful lot

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Best Marriage Advice You’ll Get

The effort required really isn’t very much.

It’s the energy that matches what you want that has to be exact.

If I bring you love, if I bring you peace, if I’m grateful for what you’ve done and are doing,

Will that help?

If I’m empathetic to your concerns and opinions, if I value what you do, what you say, and who you are,

Won’t that also help?

If I keep myself solid emotionally, while being patient with how you process and able to give you what you need, that also helps.

With minimal effort I can be trustworthy, kind, considerate of your feelings, and genuinely grateful for what you do and have done.

With every little effort I can listen, and wait to speak more thoughtfully.

  • I don’t have to avoid you.
  • I don’t need to fight and argue.
  • I don’t’ have to be submissive because you’re angry.

Can’t I be happy that we’re together? Happy that I’m doing something to make things better?  Happy that possibility still exists? Happy that with the changes I’m making in myself and how I respond differently to you?

I can be happy because I want to be, and focus on all the reasons and evidence that exists in my life that’s good.

I don’t have to put you down or criticize you, or complain to all my friends and family about you.

I can be more reasonable when we talk.

I don’t have to point out everything you’ve done wrong, even though I’m perfect and always right. J

I can help us more than I am.

I can be a good reason to stay together, and a good reason to believe that much better days are ahead.

I can love you better than I am.  And I don’t have to wait for you to change to do that.

If I care at all for you, I can show you I do because life is a fragile thing, and I’m not ready to lose you .

And I can get help, because I may not have the knowledge or understanding to do this as fully as I want to.

I can admit I don’t have all the answers for us while I do a little better at loving you, ad making you feel that I value you in my life.

Thank you for having this talk with me because I needed perspective. And that’s always a good thing.

Now I can choose differently so we have a real chance at happiness together.

I’m eager to get rid of some stress and I know you are too.

I can even read this to myself again, and anytime I lose sight of what I want with you.

 

3 Reasons Your Marriage Isn’t Already Great

Not everyone is ready to hear the truth but here it is…

If your marriage isn’t already great you’re making any of these 3 big mistakes:

  1. You don’t care enough.  

When I work with couples I look for proof of deep caring.

I look for actual evidence that people are willing to do whatever it takes to fix their marriage. I look for people who are willing to make it a priority in their lives. Is that you?

  1. You think you care. 

Because you’re stressed or unhappy doesn’t mean you care deeply.

It’s inconvenient to feel disconnected with your partner, or to be unable to communicate, or to always be arguing, or to be walking on eggshells around each other, or to have poor affection and intimacy.

It can even be painful, but what steps are you taking to change it? Thinking you care is not evidence of doing whatever is needed to get rid of the problems between you.

  1. You”ll waste more time. 

Unless a decision is made immediately to fix your marriage or find great help and hire them, you”ll go through the motions of searching for answers but nothing will change.

This is simply more proof that you don’t care enough to fix the problem once and for all. You can blame your partner but that doesn’t really do anything at all.

Here’s Evidence of Deep Caring

  1. You take responsibility for your role in the disconnect.
  2. You tell yourself the truth about how important this is or isn’t to you. 
  3. You make the adjustments that prove you care deeply. 
  4. You find the answers and implement them right away, or you get the best help you can, and follow their guidance to the best of your ability. 

Do anything else and it’s all superficial caring. A game of pretending to be working on fixing the problems that goes on and on, yet nothing changes.

If you’re doing that you need to care more about your happiness.

What’s your truth?

The evidence and proof of caring are found only in what you are doing. 

Have you read my book and used the ideas?

Have you spoken with me and followed my advice?

Why not?

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

Where’s Your Proof of Love?

How do I know my wife loves me?

Just because she says so…?

Is that enough?

What evidence in my life points to her loving me?

And what keeps me in this relationship with her if she isn’t offering me substantial proof of her love for me?

These are real questions.

I want you to think about them for your relationship.

What proof…, What evidence do you give your partner every single day that you truly love them?

If you’re not offering something tangible and solid they won’t feel it.

  • The words I love you become superficial.
  • A ritualistic hug and kiss here or there is not the same as affection.
  • Obligatory sex is not passion.
  • Talking about the kids doesn’t create feelings of intimate connection.
  • Watching TV or being on your phones together does not help communication.

Where’s the deep caring?

How do you specifically demonstrate that you value your partner?

Is that enough for them?  Are they doing enough for you?

Do they fully and completely trust you? Do you trust them fully?

When trust leaves the relationship it’s impossible to be happy.

Now…

Do you love yourself enough to tell yourself the truth about your marriage?

This is where it gets interesting.  

  • What are you putting up with?
  • What standard have you settled for love?
  • What stories, and soft lies, and rationalizations are you living?
  • Where are you pretending it’s ok, when it’s not?

Do you love them enough to want to improve your marriage?

Do they love you enough to be willing to participate?

Read my book together.

Talk with me for direct answers to your situation.

Your commitment is what transforms a promise into reality.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

5 Ways to End the Disappointment

Too many marriages are in crisis today.

The number of client inquiries that I get about affairs and sexting continues to surprise me.

Here are some easy things to do:

 Get Access to Your Partner’s Phone

I’ve talked about this before. If your partner is hesitant about giving you access I would take that as a danger sign. There is no reasonable reason why you shouldn’t be able to access your partner’s phone messages and email anytime you want.  Show them this article if they resist.

If a marriage is about trust, openness, and transparency, and your partner wants to hide and cover-up, get help right away.

  1. Value Your Partner.

Be certain that they feel deeply cared for and appreciated by you. It’s far too easy to take them for granted when things are Ok. And that neglect has a hefty price.

You must understand what THEY need, not what you need.

  1. Offset Your Own Stress

What are you doing to take care of your own stress? Stress builds up from work, kids, family obligations, health issues, financial pressures, etc…When you neglect yourself your emotional stability shifts and inevitably interferes with beneficial couple interactions. The more stress you are under the less you are able to demonstrate valuing your partner.

  1. Take an Interest in Their Work Environment

Since many affairs happen from the workplace, Make sure that you are participating in and sharing your partner’s work life. Go there if possible. Communicate during the day. Express your interest and curiosity about their work and the people they work with.

  1. Pay Attention

Subtle changes occur when a partner is having an affair. Their mood changes. Guilt can produce anger directed at you or withdrawal. These behaviors can become obvious well into the affair, but frequently exist right away. With our fast-paced digitally driven lives we often overlook what’s right in front of us.

End the Disappointment of an Unhappy Marriage

Get help. Don’t waste precious time trying to figure it out on your own.

Read my book.  You’ll learn what works and what doesn’t.

Talk with me.  You’ll get direct answers for any relationship challenge.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

5 Real Reasons that Cause Couples to Separate

It’s easy to feel attracted to someone. But that doesn’t mean the relationship will last.

When the feelings of connection start to diminish, the foundation of the relationship begins to crumble. Without an understanding of why that’s happening, or the right help, things are likely to get worse.

Here are 5 Real Reasons Couples Separate:

  1. Whether your love is deep enough for each other.

The feelings of chemistry and deep connection that create higher levels of devotion also mute conflicts. That must be shared. One person may be head-over-heels in love and willing to do anything for their partner, only to find they get very little back. That wears thin quickly.

  1. Whether you are on the same page about what’s most important to you both.

When you are out of alignment on the things that matter, they will become a never ending source of conflict. These always revolve around which partner is more right, and which partner is more important. There is no remedy when you are caught up in proving you are right and your partner is wrong. No one wins.

  1. Whether you are mature enough to share your life with another person.

Not everyone is ready to be in a committed long term relationship. They think they are, but still might want to feel independent based on how they define it, often at direct odds with their partner’s rules for love. Lasting intimate relationships are not; love when I feel like it, and tantrums. A high level of commitment is required for the relationship to last. A willingness to get love or sex is not the same as giving and initiating what’s needed.

  1. Whether you are with each other for meaningful reasons or superficial ones.

The reasons that couples get together often come from a fantasized ideal about relationships. The right person matters far more than any reason; They will make me happy, I want a family, They are successful, They are extremely attractive, The sex is great, The have lots of potential, I don’t want to be alone, It’s easier than dating and I said I would get married by age 31.  These are not lasting reasons to be together.

      5. Whether you are willing to accept each other imperfections.

None of us is perfect, but it’s easier to see your partner’s imperfections. When you focus on what’s missing or everything they do wrong, you miss all their great qualities.  The longer you focus on those things that bug you, the less you will be able to see what you loved.

  • Will you be more in love or less, by the end of 2018?
  • Will you feel more deeply connected or more separate?

What you do and fail to do for your partner will always be reflected in the outcome of your relationship. In today’s digitally distracted world, couples tend to neglect each other far more than they realize. It easily leads to disconnect, unhappiness, emotional and physical affairs, and divorce.

For straight answers about making love last read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle.

Reach out for relationship support here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss