“Your relationship will always reflect what you do and fail to do”
The big day of love is just about here, Happy Valentine’s Day…or maybe not. That all depends on how you feel about your partner and the overall status of your marriage.
Is it happy or unhappy?
This year, over 1 Billion Valentine’s cards will be given, many of them exchanged from a sense of obligation, or to meet an expectation of society and/or your partner.
What expectations do you have around Valentine’s Day?
If you are in a loving, happy marriage, there is a positive anticipation about the day. You probably aren’t thinking much about what your partner might do for you. You are more focused on what you are going to do for them because you love and value them.
However, if you are in a difficult place in your relationship and feeling disconnected from love and your partner, this might be your least favorite day of the year.
Valentine’s Day might remind you of your dream about love that was lost. The romanticized version of what love should have felt like, and been like. Thinking about the love you don’t have will only make you sad and angry.
There is no feeling good about Valentine’s Day if your relationship sucks.
And you cannot save a year of unhappiness with a greeting card or a dozen roses.
So here’s what you need to do:
1. Eliminate your Expectations about the day and what you may or may not get. Whatever they do, if anything, will then become a pleasant surprise. Do not allow them to hold you emotionally hostage for the day. They don’t control your emotions, you do.
Now, instead focus on giving something meaningful to your partner that demonstrates you appreciate them. Yes maybe you are hurt, or resentful about what they haven’t done. That’s Ok. You can still find something to appreciate about them.
2. Make the day about them. Forget about having a perfect day or receiving some fantasy surprise gift of love. Use this day as a reminder that life is not always about you and how you feel, and what you might want. Decide instead to make a commitment to elevate the standard that you have been living for interacting with them.
Even if you think they are completely to blame for any relationship challenges, perhaps you have not been so perfect. A relationship is a shared responsibility and any interactions require two participants.
3. Have perspective. The value of your relationship is not contingent upon one day’s expectations and unrealistic romantic desires. Do not let this one day decide the fate of your relationship. You are where you are in your relationship for many reasons that have nothing to do with Valentine’s Day.
Today’s the day you can begin to shift the dynamics of your relationship. Don’t withhold your love, compliments, respect, attention, or sex because you are upset or think they owe you. Stop keeping score.
Winning the game of love happens through what you give, not from demands or attempts to control the other person. It certainly won’t happen because you have unmet expectations of your partner.
You could begin to be more kind, say thank you for little thing they do. You could notice what they are doing right and compliment them. You could remember something amazing or unique about them and tell them. Will you?
In order for things to get better in any relationship, one person has to DO something different. Change won’t happen because you want it to, or hope that it will.
There is so much that one person can do. That could be you.