No it’s not just sex.

If men admit the truth, we are driven by freedom more than anything else. To do what we want, when we want and where we want. We pursue careers and business with a vengeance in order to afford ourselves the perception of freedom which includes having abundance as well as all of our toys.  The toys free us from stress.

Ultimately we want to answer to no one, only ourselves. That’s the big plan.

To women, our desire to be free sometimes gets in the way of love because your longing for deep connection. It is the priority of the feminine needs. And when we aren’t physically or emotionally available it creates lots of uncertainty about us, and you sometimes question our commitment to the relationship.  We are committed but don’t really know what we are doing when it comes to you. We need your help.

Yes sometimes it seems like we want sex more than anything else and maybe there is some truth to that. We do want sex… and lots of it.  But we want to be appreciated for what we bring to the relationship even more than that.  We want to be acknowledged for our work and our sacrifices for the family as well as our efforts to make you happy.

This lack of appreciation is by far the single biggest complaint that I hear from men in my private coaching practice. I hear it constantly. It grinds men down over time and can build a sense of bitterness about you. The interesting thing is we rarely will ever tell you that’s what we need.

We have no idea how to do that in a way that doesn’t make us look weak. It’s difficult for most of us to even admit that we need that acknowledgement, but if it isn’t there the bitter feelings build. It’s just true. And you should know that in case you want to do something about it to help solidify the relationship. It’s your choice because we really can’t ask you in a way that makes us feel manly.

Now, maybe you are thinking “but I do appreciate my man, and I want to be appreciated too.” Usually this indicates that you are waiting for him to do something more, and then you will shower him with appreciation.

Maybe you think he owes you, or you are too hurt from something he said or did to want to be grateful for him being in your life. Do you have a story about him that is keeping you from giving fully?

Often, despite what women are saying that they are doing the men are not feeling appreciated.  I have heard dozens of women say that they are indeed showing their men how grateful and appreciative they are. Whatever it is they are doing, it isn’t working because he isn’t feeling it and that is the litmus test.

He wants to feel appreciated and valued and often doesn’t.  Worse, he can feel taken for granted. Sometimes he even feels used and unimportant in your busy life.

Some ideas for your consideration:

• How do you show your man respect?
• What do you specifically admire about him?
• Have you ever told him how proud you are of him?
• Have you ever told him how grateful you are to have him in your life?
• Do you ever thank him for his hard work even if you think you are working harder?
• Do you acknowledge him and/or his accomplishments in front of your children, family or friends?

*If you are a man reading this, you can certainly do any and all of these things for the woman in your life. There is nothing preventing you from stepping up here.  So go ahead.

These things are easy to do and easy not to do. If you are caught up in past hurts or disappointments this might even seem painful.  Sometimes it just takes a little courage to make any relationship great.  And you have that in abundance.

In my book, The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, The only guide you will ever need to making love last, I write “It is the little things we fail to do that devastate the relationship drip by poisonous drip.”

We want you to be inviting, soft and and open to us. It is what attracted us to you in the beginning. Your happiness and feminine radiance is what we find irresistible.

For the most part, we aren’t attracted to the director energy that we often experience because you are still in work mode, household responsibilities or child care mindset.  Be playful with us.

You used to be our lover. Where did that part of you go? Remember how enticing you can be? We remember. Try it out on us again. Please!

Just as you don’t want to be fixed by us, we do not want to be told what to do. When you are loving, happy, playful and light you will get so much more from us.

Your responsiveness to us was always something that lit us up. Are you willing to be even more expressive in case we forgot or failed to notice? Re-capture our attention, it will re-invigorate us.

We both want the same things. We want to feel happy and close when we are together. We want to laugh and have fun. We want more peace. And we want to feel part of something bigger than we are by ourselves, and that’s why we are with you.

The relationship will always reflect what we do and fail to do. So let us both choose wisely because our happiness deserves it.