The Measure of Love You Feel

Marriage can be a funny thing. It’s never really what people expect it to be. For most it’s something less.

Those unmet expectations….The disappointment can be devastating.

The most common complaint I hear is:“I love them but I’m no longer in love with them. “

That’s a surprisingly easy problem to solve.

In my experience if you were in-love with your partner earlier in your marriage, you can feel in love with them again.

All you have to do is restore the Feeling of connection between you. That’ also the only thing that will ever work.

Being in love is a feeling, isn’t it.

It’s not something that should happen, or ought to be there all the time. It either is, or it isn’t there all by itself.

  • You can’t talk your way back in love with someone.
  • You can’t think your way there.
  • And the feeling of being in love doesn’t naturally fade over time.

The only reason so many couples experience that is they stop doing the things that created their deep connection initially.

Any marriage that’s on auto-pilot will lose the feelings of being in-love.

If you want proof of how deeply fulfilling your marriage is: Tell me how much joy you experience daily with your partner.

That’s the evidence that says it all. It’s also a measure of how in-love you feel.

You can convince yourself of lots of things. But you cannot convince yourself of feeling joy with someone or being in-love, when it’s not true.

Marriage can be the most extraordinary thing, filled with precious moments, magic, and treasured memories.

  • Your shared love never has to fade.

But not everyone wants an extraordinary marriage. If you do, talk with me. It’s the most important work I do.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

The Loss of My Wife

My wife passed away recently from her struggles with cancer. She was 49.

We shared 19 years of life together and a 12 year old son.

 

Our love was deeply fulfilling and extraordinary.

We made it our priority every day.

 

I’m not looking for sympathy or well wishes, or anything else.

I want this to be a wake-up call for you.

 

Life is a most precious and fragile thing. Value the people you care deeply about.

 

Love can be extraordinary, or mediocre. That’s up to you.

Choose extraordinary!

 

The words “I Love You” have a very unique meaning for each of us.

  • What does it mean for you?
  • More importantly, what does it get you to do?

 

Love is not love if you withhold something from each other.

 

Here are 5 moments that I used to deepen our connection:

  1. What do they feel sitting in the silence of your presence?
  2. What does your partner feel holding you?
  3. What do they feel looking into your eyes or touching your hand?
  4. What do they feel when they talk to you and listen to you?
  5. What do they feel when you see them walking in the door,                                                   not having seen them all day?

 

When you greeted them on day 797 of your life together did they still feel

the feeling of being deeply loved by you?

 

And on day 6,935 together will your eyes still meet in a loving and lingering

way, recognizing the extraordinary love you feel for each other, and the joy

that exits solely because you are together?

That’s what I want for you!

  1. What standard of love have you chosen for your marriage?
  2. What standard of love have you chosen to give to your partner?

 

What difference can your love make?

More than you can imagine!

 

Hold your partner closely today, and notice the feeling you feel.

Look deeply into their eyes for a full 20 seconds and notice what you feel.

This will tell you what you need in your marriage.

 

This is the most important work I do.  I’m here to help you when you’re ready.

You can find my book here, and reach out to talk with me here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

THIS is the Truth About Marriage and Divorce

Any marriage can be turned around.

Unless one of you doesn’t want that to happen.

 

There are only things that get in the way,

and there are things that need to be learned.

 

Understanding what they are, and being willing to make

the behavioral adjustments is all that’s ever needed.

 

Nothing else will be successful.

Marriages don’t fail by themselves.

 

People fail to do what serves and supports the deep

feeling of connection.

 

And that starts the unraveling of the bond of the relationship.

 

Resulting in millions of affairs, secretive texting and sexting,

and divorce.

  • If you want to communicate better…
  • If you want to increase affection and intimacy…
  • If you want to resolve conflicts…
  • If you want to build trust…
  • If you want to prevent affairs…
  • If you want to prevent divorce…

Then focus on deepening your connection.

Without that nothing will help.

 

That’s where Your things get in the way.

And that’s where You need to learn. 

Of course the same is true of your partner.

 

Educate yourself. Be willing to admit what you might not know.

Most importantly be willing to get the right help.

 

The information to improve your marriage is easily available here.

The guidance to do that is right here.

 

What you fail to do is often the very thing that creates disconnect

leading to your own unhappiness.

.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss.

 

 

 

No Marriage is a 50-50 Equal Partnership

Maybe you’ve been led to believe that a good marriage is a 50% – 50% partnership.

It’s not true.

In fact, no partnership is really ever 50%-50%

I’ve been in several partnerships in my business career
and worked to resolve dozens of business partner conflicts.

Here’s what I experienced:
• Someone is always doing a little more.
• Sometimes one partner is doing a lot more.
• Sometimes the rewards are not equal.
• Sometimes personal stress interferes with the partnership.
That’s also true of marriage.

There may be times when you feel like you’re doing almost everything.
There may be times when your partner feels like what they do isn’t valued equally.

I can say it should be a 50%-50% effort in my marriage.

But that won’t make it a reality.
And my wife’s idea of 50%-50% if surely different than mine.
This I know to be true!

Here’s how I resolved this in my mind and part of my marriage repair process.

I decided to take 100% responsibility for my marriage success.

Why?

Initially it was an experiment. I didn’t know what would happen.

I discovered that by doing more I was able to completely resolve my marriage issues.
• My vision for the level of happiness, connection, and intimacy was realized.
• My wife did more and often surprised me with her efforts.
• It saved my marriage.
Forget the 50%-50% idea. It’s not real.

Focus on taking 100% responsibility to do your part.
If you know what to do and what not to do, it will dramatically improve your marriage.

If you want answers for your marriage, read my book.
If you want my personal guidance, reach out and talk to me here.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. -Dr. Seuss

Do You Really Care Enough?

Many couples go through the motions of caring for each other.

 

Do you care for your partner but give less than you used to? 

 

It’s not that you’re neglecting each other, ti’s more of a superficial caring kind of thing.

Plus your both really busy.,. Lots to do.

 

I see this often in couples I work with.

 

There’s another version of caring I call pretend caring.

That looks a lot like neglect.

People claim to care but don’t do much to really show it.

 

They defend it to each other this way:

 

” I’m here, I showed up didn’t I.”

” I haven’t left”.

“What’s your problem now”

“I do alot more for you than you do for me.”

“Nothing’s ever enough for you.”

 

I use the idea of Deep Caring to help couples improve their marriages.

Saying you care isn’t proof of deep caring. 

You must provide proof and evidence of that caring.

 

When you deeply care, you’ll DO anything:

  • You’ll make your partner the priority
  • You’ll do many kind and thoughtful things for them. .
  • You’ll go out of your way to demonstrate that you love them.
  • You’ll go out of your way to value and appreciate them.
  • You’ll be affectionate and present when you’re with them.
  • You’ll be thinking mostly of giving and not getting back.

– When Deep Caring is missing, relationships begin to fall apart.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, communication will suffer.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing affection and intimacy are dull and routine.

 

– When Deep Caring is missing, people feel neglected and unhappy.

 

Are you demonstrating proof of Deep Caring to your partner? 

No marriage ever gets better unless behaviors are changed. 

 

Talk with me if you care deeply enough about your marriage to want to fix it.

 

Your marriage cannot fix itself.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Marriage Myth; Being Loved is Not Enough

There is a deep longing we all share;  to matter.

Who will we matter to?

My wife says she loves me.

That’s important.

However…,

  • To be recognized for what I bring into the relationship,
  • To feel valued,
  • To be acknowledged for what I give.
  • To be given credit where due,
  • And to feel appreciated,

is more meaningful.

Being loved is not enough.

Your partner’s words of love will echo into the blankness of space without their valuing you.

You’ll soon wonder if they do actually love you.

Do you feel deeply cared for?

That’s the benchmark.

What evidence of that exists in your life?

And what proof does your partner have of you deeply caring for, and valuing them?

Whenever someone says your name with anything of value; it’s empowering.

When they speak your name with negativity; it’s diminishing to connection.

Criticism is destructive. To be pointed out wrong can undermine confidence.

We are not here to fix our partner. That’s up to them.

How do you demonstrated love to your partner?

Our effort to give must be acknowledged in some way, or soon I may not try so hard.

You and your partner will figure out how to love and value each other by proof and evidence of that, or you will disconnect.

My work with couples teaches both partners separately how to do that. In my experience, his and her version of events can be a complete waste of time and lead nowhere.

Unless you provide proof and evidence to your partner that you care deeply about them, your words have no value.

You must understand what that proof looks like or your marriage will remain unhappy forever,…if you choose to stay together.

I’d like to help you. You can reach out and talk with me here.

You have read my book right?

What you fail to do is often just the thing that will cause your marriage to fail.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

Maintaining the Passionless Marriage

Your desire for each other mutes or exaggerates most challenges. 

You are the only one who can decide the level of love and intimacy that is fulfilling for you.

1st, Let’s understand that passion for your partner doesn’t have to naturally decline. I know this to be personally true after 19 years with my wife.

  • It only decays because we allow it to.
  • That happens through our focus on other things day to day.
  • It happens because of stress and misunderstandings.
  • It happens as a result of putting other things above your partner.
  • It happens because we get self-focused and not relationship focused.

Pretend for a moment that you’re giving a newly-wed couple advice on how to sustain high levels of passion and intimacy for a lifetime.

What will you tell them?

What’s your formula for success and a lifetime of happiness together?

Most people get this wrong, hopefully that won’t be you.

  • If you’re not telling these newly-weds about the important of sustaining connection with each other as the priority in their marriage, your own marriage is likely struggling.
  • If you’re not teaching them about the urgency of keeping the chemistry of polarity alive and well in their relationship, you’re probably missing out yourself.

There is nothing more important than the feelings of physical and emotional connection in a relationship to create a lifetime of passion for each other.

A communication focus will not do that. Ever!

Are you open to learning to improve your own marriage?

Here are some resources for you:

Understand these 14 Marriage Breakthrough strategies in my book.

Learn the Secrets to a lifetime of happiness in my audio.

Talk with me if your situation is in urgent need of repair.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Cutting Through the BS of Unhappy Marriages

Unhappy marriages are common.

It’s the pretending it’s not true that makes it stay that way.​​​​​​​

People do not destroy their marriages on purpose.

No one wakes up and says, “Today’s the day I ruin my children’s happiness.”

No one says, “I’m going to create lots of arguments and conflicts this week,

or “I hope to do my part to make my marriage suck starting today.”

No one is intentionally trying to be unhappy, or to intentionally make you unhappy.

But here’s the truth:

If you knew what to do to have a happy and deeply connected marriage, you’d be doing it, And you’d already have it.

Because here’s what’s also true:

If you think you know what to do to stay happily married forever but just refuse to do it, why would anyone want to stay with you.

If you’re not happily married you simply have to decide:

  • You’re either willing to learn, or you’re not.
  • And you’re either willing to do what does works, or you’re not.

And if you’re not, that’s Ok, but refusing to learn what will work says something  about you that your partner needs to know. And It will keep you both stuck forever.

This truth is why people continue to repeat patterns of pain and unhappiness.

My goal is to wake you up to the soft lies and superficial truth that people tell themselves:

  • Things are not OK if you cant’ access your partner’s devices and phone.
  • Things are not Ok if you don’t feel connected or appreciated.
  • Things are not OK if there’s very little affection or intimacy.
  • Things are not Ok if your partner’s having an affair or you don’t trust them.
  • Things are not Ok if you’re in constant conflicts or disagreements..
  • Things are not Ok if you’re walking on egg shells around each other and can’t communicate.

How many days in the year do you feel valued and deeply cared for?

Life is short. We make choices that often don’t serve us. There’s no reason for that to continue if you’re not loving happily together.

Do what’s in it my book.

And talk to me.  Reach out near the bottom of this web page .

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Relationship Transforming Wisdom; Comfort vs. Cold

Want to turn your marriage around, or give it an uplifting boost?

Think in terms of providing Comfort vs. Cold.

You’ll really want to think about this, or you’ll miss out on one of the most relationship transforming things you can do.

How you fail to interact with your partner is the very thing that creates feelings of separateness that leads to conflicts and the loss of love.

If you are providing Comfort you are being: supportive, affectionate, warm, caring, appreciative, communicative, sensual, open, present, and generous with how you value your partner, etc…

Offering your partner Cold comes in the form of what you don’t do:

  • Cold is found in your superficial rituals and patterns of interaction.
  • It’s the emotional and physical void that exists between you filled with distance.
  • It’s benign neglect caused by taking your partner for granted.
  • It’s failing to initiate comfort because you’re ok with the status quo.
  • It’s failing to give enough proof that you value them.
  • It’s allowing the separateness to grow both physically and emotionally between you, and doing nothing about it.

When the Cold you provide is greater than the Comfort, your marriage is in trouble.

  • Does your partner feel fully supported by you?
  • Do they feel deeply cared for and valued?
  • Are you generous with affection, attention and appreciation?

What we fail to do is always the deciding factor in the success and happiness of our marriage.

Reach out here to get my guidance on your situation.  

Unless someone like you cares a while awful lot

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Hidden Gems in Conflict Resolution

People can disagree and argue about almost anything, but there are only two real elements in conflicts:

1.  Who is more right?

2.  Who is more important?

As you think about this for yourself and your partner, can you think of any other reason that your conflicts exist?

It’s always going to be some version of those two things.​​​​​​​

​​​​​​​Sometimes people choose that being right is more important than having a happy marriage?

Years ago I remember being in a specific argument with my wife where I figured this out.

I had just proved that what I knew or thought, was more right than whatever point she was trying to make. And after a series of escalated words back and forth, the conversation ended.

Was she happy?  Definitely not.

Was I happy?  Not at all.

I realized in that moment that being right about whatever that thing was, wasn’t so important after all. In fact my attempts to prove I was more right had actually diminished the feeling of connection between us. 

That’s not at all what I wanted. It became a defining moment in our marriage that allowed me to completely shift my focus in conversations with her.

Let’s imagine that you want to talk to your partner about something important.

What’s your outcome? What do you want to happen as a result of the conversation?

Besides having a clear outcome, here’s a more important element I discovered.

  • How do you want to feel during the conversation?
  • And will that feeling help you to be more effective?
Under extra stress and pressure we all default to habitual emotional patterns that aren’t going to be supportive or resourceful.
-Some people get noticeably angry and irritated

-Some people get anxious and overwhelmed.

-Some people feel defensive and argumentative

-Some people shut down or feel sad.

So I realized I needed to choose the feeling I preferred to have before the conversation.

If you aren’t consciously choosing a more empowering emotion for yourself before

engaging in the conversation, you will repeat your own emotional patterns that may

not serve you, or having a happy marriage. 

When conflicts increase in marriage, people can waste alot of time blaming communication

when the source cause is the disconnected feelings between you both.

Reach out to talk with me if you’d like to learn more about repairing your marriage.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss
I