5 Ways to End the Disappointment

Too many marriages are in crisis today.

The number of client inquiries that I get about affairs and sexting continues to surprise me.

Here are some easy things to do:

 Get Access to Your Partner’s Phone

I’ve talked about this before. If your partner is hesitant about giving you access I would take that as a danger sign. There is no reasonable reason why you shouldn’t be able to access your partner’s phone messages and email anytime you want.  Show them this article if they resist.

If a marriage is about trust, openness, and transparency, and your partner wants to hide and cover-up, get help right away.

  1. Value Your Partner.

Be certain that they feel deeply cared for and appreciated by you. It’s far too easy to take them for granted when things are Ok. And that neglect has a hefty price.

You must understand what THEY need, not what you need.

  1. Offset Your Own Stress

What are you doing to take care of your own stress? Stress builds up from work, kids, family obligations, health issues, financial pressures, etc…When you neglect yourself your emotional stability shifts and inevitably interferes with beneficial couple interactions. The more stress you are under the less you are able to demonstrate valuing your partner.

  1. Take an Interest in Their Work Environment

Since many affairs happen from the workplace, Make sure that you are participating in and sharing your partner’s work life. Go there if possible. Communicate during the day. Express your interest and curiosity about their work and the people they work with.

  1. Pay Attention

Subtle changes occur when a partner is having an affair. Their mood changes. Guilt can produce anger directed at you or withdrawal. These behaviors can become obvious well into the affair, but frequently exist right away. With our fast-paced digitally driven lives we often overlook what’s right in front of us.

End the Disappointment of an Unhappy Marriage

Get help. Don’t waste precious time trying to figure it out on your own.

Read my book.  You’ll learn what works and what doesn’t.

Talk with me.  You’ll get direct answers for any relationship challenge.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

5 Real Reasons that Cause Couples to Separate

It’s easy to feel attracted to someone. But that doesn’t mean the relationship will last.

When the feelings of connection start to diminish, the foundation of the relationship begins to crumble. Without an understanding of why that’s happening, or the right help, things are likely to get worse.

Here are 5 Real Reasons Couples Separate:

  1. Whether your love is deep enough for each other.

The feelings of chemistry and deep connection that create higher levels of devotion also mute conflicts. That must be shared. One person may be head-over-heels in love and willing to do anything for their partner, only to find they get very little back. That wears thin quickly.

  1. Whether you are on the same page about what’s most important to you both.

When you are out of alignment on the things that matter, they will become a never ending source of conflict. These always revolve around which partner is more right, and which partner is more important. There is no remedy when you are caught up in proving you are right and your partner is wrong. No one wins.

  1. Whether you are mature enough to share your life with another person.

Not everyone is ready to be in a committed long term relationship. They think they are, but still might want to feel independent based on how they define it, often at direct odds with their partner’s rules for love. Lasting intimate relationships are not; love when I feel like it, and tantrums. A high level of commitment is required for the relationship to last. A willingness to get love or sex is not the same as giving and initiating what’s needed.

  1. Whether you are with each other for meaningful reasons or superficial ones.

The reasons that couples get together often come from a fantasized ideal about relationships. The right person matters far more than any reason; They will make me happy, I want a family, They are successful, They are extremely attractive, The sex is great, The have lots of potential, I don’t want to be alone, It’s easier than dating and I said I would get married by age 31.  These are not lasting reasons to be together.

      5. Whether you are willing to accept each other imperfections.

None of us is perfect, but it’s easier to see your partner’s imperfections. When you focus on what’s missing or everything they do wrong, you miss all their great qualities.  The longer you focus on those things that bug you, the less you will be able to see what you loved.

  • Will you be more in love or less, by the end of 2018?
  • Will you feel more deeply connected or more separate?

What you do and fail to do for your partner will always be reflected in the outcome of your relationship. In today’s digitally distracted world, couples tend to neglect each other far more than they realize. It easily leads to disconnect, unhappiness, emotional and physical affairs, and divorce.

For straight answers about making love last read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle.

Reach out for relationship support here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Why 2 Million Marriages Crash and Burn Each Year

No one is intentionally creating unhappiness in their marriage. It happens because people don’t have the skills needed to live and love happily ever after.

Your marriage will model many of the behaviors that you saw in your parents’ interactions. That’s just a conditioned reality.

That experience can be a recipe for success, or a recipe for unhappiness.

If what you saw back then wasn’t joyful, affectionate, loving and communicative, your marriage is likely to be challenging.

Why?

Because having a great relationship is a skill. It’s a learned behavior.

No different than flying a plane.

You can learn how to do that really well. But you have to get an expert to either model that for you, or to teach you.

You will not figure out how to fly a plane on your own, and you won’t have a successful marriage if you don’t have the skills.

To pretend you’re a pilot when you’re not will end in disaster.

To imagine that you have the skills for a happy and deeply fulfilling marriage may not be accurate, if that isn’t what exits in your life right now.

You could think of lots or reasons why it isn’t that way, but the truth is whatever it is.

Your success won’t come because you want it to, or because you love your partner.

It will come because you were willing to learn the skills to pilot your marriage successfully.

  • Wanting it to work isn’t enough.
  • Hoping it’s going to get better will end in disappointment.
  • Learning and doing what works is all that matters.

What you and your partner know about sustaining love for a lifetime will always be reflected in your results.

Each year over 2 million couples divorce. It’s not because they’ve fallen out of love. It’s because they didn’t know what to do to keep love alive for a lifetime.

Here are easy ways to learn the skills:

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

Reach out and talk to me here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Only 2 Real Marriage Issues to Fix

Having a great marriage isn’t a hard thing to do. Telling ourselves the truth is more difficult. And that’s what keeps people stuck in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages.

  1. You don’t how to have a happy marriage-

This was an unpleasant truth that I had to tell myself years ago.  I really didn’t know what I was doing, even though I wanted to blame my wife for everything wrong in our marriage.

  • Did I know how to prevent conflicts or resolve them peacefully? Nope!
  • Did I know what to do to keep our chemistry and intimacy high? Thought I did, but not really.
  • Did I know how to keep communication open and easy? Definitely not!
  • Did I understand what she needed from me the most? Absolutely not.
  • Did I know how to affair proof our marriage? Not a clue.

Why not?

Who was going to teach me all of these things? My dad who left when I was 15? The couples counselor we went to who blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage, and suggested we get a divorce?

You may know there are over 50,000 traditional couples counselors in the US, yet over 2 million divorces each year. Many are not teaching people what works and what doesn’t very effectively.

  1. You and your partner look at life and marriage differently-

Another truth that I had to tell myself was that:

I didn’t understand women very well.

My wife and I had different rules for love. Different rules for what being married meant, and different needs.

We certainly didn’t see eye to eye on lots of issues. Did talking about her version and my version of events with a couples counselor help us?

No! It only caused us to feel more separate and bitter.

When I solved these 2 real marriage issues, our relationship went from unhappy to amazing.

In my opinion, most people don’t need couples counseling. They need to be educated on what works and what doesn’t, and why.

They need simple skills, tools and strategies to have happy marriages that lasts forever.

That’s what I teach.

Reach out to me here if you want to solve these issues for good. I’d like to help you do that.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot. 

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. – Dr. Seuss

 

My Personal Plea to You About Your Partner’s Phone

Do Not Take Your Marriage For Granted

It’s the Ok marriage that often leads to pain.

I have to warn you.

I am seeing an increase in clients who discover their partners are having sexting affairs.

Just in case you don’t know, Sexting is the texting of images and/or words that are sexually explicit.

Imagine that you discover your partner has been sexting with another person. You pick up their phone and see nude images and words to describe a variety of sexual acts that your spouse wants to have with this other person.

You’re not going to feel good about it.

Sometimes the sexting is rationalized as; they didn’t have physical sex, and it’s really not that big a deal. Sometimes the sexting they admit has been going on for years.

You’re definitely not going to like that.

Other times the sexting is the tip of the iceberg to a full blown affair that has been going on for a long time.

Now you’ll have to decide what you are going to do.

In every one of these situations that I deal with, I always ask about the state of the marriage before these affairs were discovered.

In almost everyone one of these situations, the marriages are described as Ok, or alright.

Here’s the ugly truth:

When I dig deeper, the marriages were far from Ok or being alright. Most of these people who have been betrayed admit that they had thought about getting a divorce years prior to the acts I’ve mentioned, but things were mostly Ok so they didn’t.

Couples are all too often sleep walking through life together, and the discovery of sexting and physical affairs is the brutal wake up call.

In my opinion, the sexting and the affairs are all symptoms of a marriage that has been struggling for some time. But the partners didn’t see any urgency to fix it and things seemed mostly Ok.

Please be smart:

Can you access your partner’s phone? Will they happily give you their smartphone and password?

This should not create a disagreement. If you are in happy, deeply connected, and trust filled relationship, there will never be an issue using your partner’s phone.

My wife has access to my smart phone any time she wants. She uses it often even though she has her own phone, which she can’t find from time to time. And I have access to my wife’s phone and password.

I want it to be that way. There is no valid reason on earth why I would need to hide my phone from her, nor should she feel the need to hide her phone and password from me.  The moment that occurs, trust has been lost, and the relationship despite all good appearances, is entering dysfunction.

If you find resistance to being able to access your partner’s phone please share this article with them.

If your marriage is simply Ok, or less than Ok, I urge you to reach out for help.

An Ok marriage is always on the edge of not being Ok.  An Ok marriage will not become happy, or great, or even good by itself. There is no upside to an OK marriage without effort to change it.

Without help very little happiness is possible.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. –Dr Seuss

 

Lessons of Love; Benign Neglect

So people fall in love, get married, maybe have kids, and it’s happily ever after….right?

That’s what I used to believe happened.

 

Now that I’m married….we’re good…not much more to do here.

I’ve got a career to get to, a family to support, the marriage will take care of itself….right?

 

This is how couples fall out of love with each other

And this is the recipe for the failure of countless marriages.  

 

I hear it all the time.

 

“I’m not in love with them anymore.” 

 

Maybe that’s where you are.

 

If  you’ve read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, I talk about the impact of benign neglect.

  • How we don’t mean to make other things more important than our marriage but we do.
  • How we don’t mean to put our careers and our kids ahead of each other, but we do.
  • We don’t mean to take each other for granted but we do.
  • We often believe as I once did, that the marriage will kind of take care of itself.

And my marriage failed.

And the marriages of over 2 million people in the US fail each year.

 

The biggest mistake of all is thinking that things are good, when they are in fact not. 

Maybe you just don’t know any better…yet. 

Do not wait for the symptoms to appear;

  • Increasing conflicts
  • Communication struggles
  • Fading Intimacy
  • Disappearing Affection
  • Questions of Trust

You can save your marriage before it gets deep into the dysfunction phase.

You can even save your marriage when you think it’s over.

 

But that takes an openness to learn what will turn things around,

and a willing partner who hasn’t decided quite yet that they’re done.

 

There’s alot more at stake than most people realize. 

Talk to me.

  1. You’ll know what the real problem is.
  2. You’ll know what the answer to it is.
  3. And you’ll know what to do next.

 

In the famous words of Dr. Seuss;

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. It’s not. 

 

Unhappy Marriages are Hard, Fixing them is Easy

 

Completely transforming a marriage is easy.

Wanting to,… is another matter.

 

Do you know any couples that are in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage?

Why don’t they do something about it?

 

Here’s what they say:

  • Can’t be bothered.
  • Don’t care anymore.
  • I’m used to it.
  • It’s too much work.
  • I don’t have time.
  • I’m tired of doing it myself.
  • They won’t participate.
  • Nothing will change.

Many couples settle into a deep slumber in their marriages.

 

And as a result of this thing I call Benign Neglect, the very things

that make a marriage worthwhile; including intimacy, passion,

feelings of togetherness, affection, communication, and living

a deeply shared life… often leave the relationship,

 

The mistake people make is thinking it won’t get worse.

 

It usually does.

 

And unhappiness and emptiness takes the place of all the aliveness

of feeling deeply cared for, and intimately connected.

 

That stress doesn’t go away by itself.

 

One person in 3 couples is having an affair today. That doesn’t include

the emotional connections that people often get attached to outside

of their marriage.

 

Turning an unhappy marriage around is easy. I’ve helped hundreds of couples

do it. Even extreme situations where divorce papers were filed, or couples had

moved in with affair partners.

 

Miraculous things are possible when you know what to do and you’re willing to do them.

What works is easily available in my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

 

People reach out to me from all over the world to get my support to turn their marriages

around. You could too. The initial consultation is free. It’s another easy thing to do.

If you’re willing Sign up at the bottom of this page.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  – Dr. Seuss

 

Do THIS to Improve Your Marriage Today

Many marriage challenges can be resolved much easier than people think. Even the most stubborn relationship issues can change quickly.

You simply need to know exactly what will help improve your situation and be willing to go do it.

One of the reasons I’m so successful helping hundreds of couples  save their marriages, is that I like to take complex situations and make them simple.

It’s easy for the partners and even experts to get caught up in all the details of a couple’s conflicts. Your version, their version,…whose is more right?

 You can examine and dissect the issues until you are blue in the face…

The problem is doing that will not bring you closer together.

 Here’s something simple I personally do every day that will help you:

If you’re read  the chapter on Vision in my book, The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you understand how important it is to think about how you want to FEEL when you are with your partner.

Before I see my wife during the day or coming back from work at night, I have already thought about how I want to FEEL when I’m with her.

 My top of mind emotion is Peace.

Why Peace you might ask?

Because there’s plenty of stress already available, and if I’m peaceful I can easily access other emotional states that will keep us deeply connected.

  • If I’m peaceful I can be playful,light,happy and fun.
  • If I’m peaceful and she’s stressed, I can help her to be more peaceful,
  •  and there will be no escalation of disagreements or misunderstandings.
  • If I’m peaceful I can be affectionate, and fully present for her.
  • If I’m peaceful I can bring perspective into any situation.

This is a simple little thing that has been game changing in my own marriage.

Try it out for yourself.

Reach out to connect with me if you’d like to learn how to apply my ideas to improve your own marriage.

 

What we do and fail to do will always be reflected in the outcome of our marriage.

Answers to Couple Communication Questions

How do we improve our Couple Communication?

That’s the most common question I get.

I struggled with this myself early on in my marriage; blaming my wife mostly for the many misunderstandings and disagreements.

What I didn’t know at the time was that it wasn’t our ability to talk with each other or to understand each other that was the problem.

I simply didn’t understand my role in my interactions with her.

That was a big problem.

If you’ve read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle you know that I am not a fan of working on couple communication with the partners. In my experience and opinion, it’s a waste of time.

I believe that communication conflicts are a symptom of a larger issue in the relationship.

What is needed is restoring the feelings of being connected.

This FEELING is what diminishes communication conflicts. This feeling is what allows couples to be able to understand each other clearly. This feeling is what facilitates the resolution of other challenges in the relationship.

I facilitate this by teaching people what to do in their roles of masculine and feminine to restore and sustain the feelings of connection with each other. You might call this chemistry or feelings of being in love.

When this feeling doesn’t exist, neither does the feeling of being deeply cared for.

You already know what happens when you don’t feel deeply cared for.

You cannot talk your way back into restoring feelings of connection.

You can only do that by changing behaviors.

And if you don’t understand your role within masculine and feminine in building connection, you will struggle to improve couple communication, and fail to improve the marriage.

Talk with me.  Reach out to connect with me if you’d like to learn how to improve your marriage.

 

What you do and fail to do is always reflected in the outcome of your marriage.

3 Choices in Couple Communication

In my opinion and experience, the root cause of communication conflicts in marriage is due to a decreased feeling of connection between the two partners.

And that cannot be improved by simply talking about it.

Behaviors have to change in order for the feelings of connection to improve.

Because many of our behaviors are habitual, we often find ourselves in an exchange with our partner that isn’t helpful to the feelings of being connected with them.

In any human interaction, you are doing one of these 3 things:

  • You are Diminishing the interaction,
  • Supporting the interaction,
  • Or Elevating the interaction.

You may want to consider that for a moment.

I’ve certainly been guilty in the past of diminishing the interaction with my wife and causing an escalation  in our disagreement.

How do you relate this to your own interactions with your partner when arguments or misunderstandings happen?

In what category do you find yourself most often?

You might say that you are simply reacting to what they said or did. While this might be true, you also have other choices.

  • You can react and escalate… which often happens….
  • You can stay calm, cool and collected, and listen…
  • You can apologize and soften your tone, even possibly reassuring your partner of your love, support, their value in your life, etc…

This simple understanding was transformational in my own marriage.

If you have read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you understand some of the things I personally did that directly relate to these 3 choices.

If you’d like my thoughts on how to improve your situation, simply reach out here.

 

Remember, what you do and fail to do is always reflected in the outcome of your marriage.