THIS Must Happen if You Want Fulfilling Love

Being married should never be the goal.

Staying married should never be the goal.

WHY?

It’s the wrong target to aim for, and will never bring you happiness.

You might marry the wrong person just to become married. But as you know, you won’t find happiness with the wrong person.

*People might stay together unhappily married, just for their kids. What you might not realize is that only gives your kids a dysfunctional model for success in a relationship. And greatly diminishes your kids chances for happiness if they do marry later on.

WHY?

Because unfortunately we all repeat many of the parental patterns that were modeled for us.  Were your parents patterns of interaction deeply loving and fulfilling for them?

Wouldn’t it be better to model high levels of daily affection, playful interactions, deep conversations, and genuine happiness and joy around each other?

That’s what I wanted to model for our son and have.

In order to have fulfilling love that lasts a life time, that must be the goal. It must be the point of focus. And it must be the priority.

  • It cannot happen if you’re unwilling to learn how to do that. 
  • It cannot happen if you aren’t committed. 
  • It cannot happen if your work, your kids, your friends, or hobbies,etc.. are the priority. 

In order to have deeply fulfilling love that lasts a lifetime. You must focus on creating special moments together.

The amount of time required to do that is tiny. Your understanding of what to do must be upgraded.  

I’d like to help you.

Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle ,and do what’s in it.

If you’re ready for my personal guidance reach out to me here.

Life without fulfilling love is not very special.   

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot. Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Measure of Love You Feel

Marriage can be a funny thing. It’s never really what people expect it to be. For most it’s something less.

Those unmet expectations….The disappointment can be devastating.

The most common complaint I hear is:“I love them but I’m no longer in love with them. “

That’s a surprisingly easy problem to solve.

In my experience if you were in-love with your partner earlier in your marriage, you can feel in love with them again.

All you have to do is restore the Feeling of connection between you. That’ also the only thing that will ever work.

Being in love is a feeling, isn’t it.

It’s not something that should happen, or ought to be there all the time. It either is, or it isn’t there all by itself.

  • You can’t talk your way back in love with someone.
  • You can’t think your way there.
  • And the feeling of being in love doesn’t naturally fade over time.

The only reason so many couples experience that is they stop doing the things that created their deep connection initially.

Any marriage that’s on auto-pilot will lose the feelings of being in-love.

If you want proof of how deeply fulfilling your marriage is: Tell me how much joy you experience daily with your partner.

That’s the evidence that says it all. It’s also a measure of how in-love you feel.

You can convince yourself of lots of things. But you cannot convince yourself of feeling joy with someone or being in-love, when it’s not true.

Marriage can be the most extraordinary thing, filled with precious moments, magic, and treasured memories.

  • Your shared love never has to fade.

But not everyone wants an extraordinary marriage. If you do, talk with me. It’s the most important work I do.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

The Loss of My Wife

My wife passed away recently from her struggles with cancer. She was 49.

We shared 19 years of life together and a 12 year old son.

 

Our love was deeply fulfilling and extraordinary.

We made it our priority every day.

 

I’m not looking for sympathy or well wishes, or anything else.

I want this to be a wake-up call for you.

 

Life is a most precious and fragile thing. Value the people you care deeply about.

 

Love can be extraordinary, or mediocre. That’s up to you.

Choose extraordinary!

 

The words “I Love You” have a very unique meaning for each of us.

  • What does it mean for you?
  • More importantly, what does it get you to do?

 

Love is not love if you withhold something from each other.

 

Here are 5 moments that I used to deepen our connection:

  1. What do they feel sitting in the silence of your presence?
  2. What does your partner feel holding you?
  3. What do they feel looking into your eyes or touching your hand?
  4. What do they feel when they talk to you and listen to you?
  5. What do they feel when you see them walking in the door,                                                   not having seen them all day?

 

When you greeted them on day 797 of your life together did they still feel

the feeling of being deeply loved by you?

 

And on day 6,935 together will your eyes still meet in a loving and lingering

way, recognizing the extraordinary love you feel for each other, and the joy

that exits solely because you are together?

That’s what I want for you!

  1. What standard of love have you chosen for your marriage?
  2. What standard of love have you chosen to give to your partner?

 

What difference can your love make?

More than you can imagine!

 

Hold your partner closely today, and notice the feeling you feel.

Look deeply into their eyes for a full 20 seconds and notice what you feel.

This will tell you what you need in your marriage.

 

This is the most important work I do.  I’m here to help you when you’re ready.

You can find my book here, and reach out to talk with me here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

The Marriage Myth; Being Loved is Not Enough

There is a deep longing we all share;  to matter.

Who will we matter to?

My wife says she loves me.

That’s important.

However…,

  • To be recognized for what I bring into the relationship,
  • To feel valued,
  • To be acknowledged for what I give.
  • To be given credit where due,
  • And to feel appreciated,

is more meaningful.

Being loved is not enough.

Your partner’s words of love will echo into the blankness of space without their valuing you.

You’ll soon wonder if they do actually love you.

Do you feel deeply cared for?

That’s the benchmark.

What evidence of that exists in your life?

And what proof does your partner have of you deeply caring for, and valuing them?

Whenever someone says your name with anything of value; it’s empowering.

When they speak your name with negativity; it’s diminishing to connection.

Criticism is destructive. To be pointed out wrong can undermine confidence.

We are not here to fix our partner. That’s up to them.

How do you demonstrated love to your partner?

Our effort to give must be acknowledged in some way, or soon I may not try so hard.

You and your partner will figure out how to love and value each other by proof and evidence of that, or you will disconnect.

My work with couples teaches both partners separately how to do that. In my experience, his and her version of events can be a complete waste of time and lead nowhere.

Unless you provide proof and evidence to your partner that you care deeply about them, your words have no value.

You must understand what that proof looks like or your marriage will remain unhappy forever,…if you choose to stay together.

I’d like to help you. You can reach out and talk with me here.

You have read my book right?

What you fail to do is often just the thing that will cause your marriage to fail.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

Maintaining the Passionless Marriage

Your desire for each other mutes or exaggerates most challenges. 

You are the only one who can decide the level of love and intimacy that is fulfilling for you.

1st, Let’s understand that passion for your partner doesn’t have to naturally decline. I know this to be personally true after 19 years with my wife.

  • It only decays because we allow it to.
  • That happens through our focus on other things day to day.
  • It happens because of stress and misunderstandings.
  • It happens as a result of putting other things above your partner.
  • It happens because we get self-focused and not relationship focused.

Pretend for a moment that you’re giving a newly-wed couple advice on how to sustain high levels of passion and intimacy for a lifetime.

What will you tell them?

What’s your formula for success and a lifetime of happiness together?

Most people get this wrong, hopefully that won’t be you.

  • If you’re not telling these newly-weds about the important of sustaining connection with each other as the priority in their marriage, your own marriage is likely struggling.
  • If you’re not teaching them about the urgency of keeping the chemistry of polarity alive and well in their relationship, you’re probably missing out yourself.

There is nothing more important than the feelings of physical and emotional connection in a relationship to create a lifetime of passion for each other.

A communication focus will not do that. Ever!

Are you open to learning to improve your own marriage?

Here are some resources for you:

Understand these 14 Marriage Breakthrough strategies in my book.

Learn the Secrets to a lifetime of happiness in my audio.

Talk with me if your situation is in urgent need of repair.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Relationship Transforming Wisdom; Comfort vs. Cold

Want to turn your marriage around, or give it an uplifting boost?

Think in terms of providing Comfort vs. Cold.

You’ll really want to think about this, or you’ll miss out on one of the most relationship transforming things you can do.

How you fail to interact with your partner is the very thing that creates feelings of separateness that leads to conflicts and the loss of love.

If you are providing Comfort you are being: supportive, affectionate, warm, caring, appreciative, communicative, sensual, open, present, and generous with how you value your partner, etc…

Offering your partner Cold comes in the form of what you don’t do:

  • Cold is found in your superficial rituals and patterns of interaction.
  • It’s the emotional and physical void that exists between you filled with distance.
  • It’s benign neglect caused by taking your partner for granted.
  • It’s failing to initiate comfort because you’re ok with the status quo.
  • It’s failing to give enough proof that you value them.
  • It’s allowing the separateness to grow both physically and emotionally between you, and doing nothing about it.

When the Cold you provide is greater than the Comfort, your marriage is in trouble.

  • Does your partner feel fully supported by you?
  • Do they feel deeply cared for and valued?
  • Are you generous with affection, attention and appreciation?

What we fail to do is always the deciding factor in the success and happiness of our marriage.

Reach out here to get my guidance on your situation.  

Unless someone like you cares a while awful lot

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Will Valentine’s Day Ruin Your Relationship

What you may not know is that Valentine’s Day is the beginning of the end for many couples.

 

Here’s why:

Many people evaluate the happiness and success of their marriages and romantic love-lives, based on whether or not their expectations for Valentine’s Day are met.

 

Valentine’s Day’s unmet expectations often turn into the final straw of a year’s worth of unfulfilling romantic love. Unfortunately, the increasing result of this disappointment often leads to affairs and ultimately divorce.

 

According to a study of divorce filings by AttorneyFee.com, and Avvo.com, both legal referral sites,

they found that February is the busiest month of the year for divorce filings. People seeking referrals

for divorce increase about 40% in February, with the biggest spike on the day after Valentine’s Day.

 

A number of cheating websites for married individuals seeking affairs, report that the day after Valentine’s Day is their #1 day for new sign ups.

 

What expectations do you have around Valentine’s Day?

 

If you are in a struggling relationship, Valentine’s Day might remind you of your romantic dream

about love that was lost. Of course thinking about the love you don’t have will only make you

bitter, sad and resentful.

 

You cannot save a year of disappointment and unhappiness by doing any of these most

socially popular things; giving a greeting card, candy, obligatory dinner, or a dozen roses.

 

Let’s get real:

  • Can candy save a love-less marriage?
  • Can a dozen roses overcome an affair?
  • Can a greeting card restore intimacy and passion?
  • Can a forced attempt at a romantic dinner improve couple communication?

Instead, change your thinking about the Day with these 3 things:

  1. Have Perspective– The value of your relationship is not contingent upon one day’s expectations, and unrealistic romantic desires. Do not let this one day decide the fate of your relationship. You are where you are in your relationship for many reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Valentine’s Day.

 

  1. Focus on Giving to Your Partner- You could make the day about valuing them. Show your appreciation for your partner in whatever way is most genuine for you. If you are willing to let go of your romanticized expectations, you will not be held emotionally hostage by the day. Even if you are hurt and bitter, you can still find something to appreciate about your partner.

 

  1. Start Working towards Something Better– Make a commitment to improve the standard for loving your partner. Even if you think they are completely to blame for any relationship challenges, perhaps you have not been so perfect. A relationship is a shared responsibility and any interactions require two participants. Take responsibility for your part.

 

Today’s the day you can begin to shift and improve your relationship.

 

Winning the game of love happens through what you give, not from demands or attempts to control the other person.

 

The success of your relationship will always be reflected by what you do and fail to do.

 

Want my support? Reach out to talk with me here. 

Want to do it yourself?  Read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

5 Real Reasons that Cause Couples to Separate

It’s easy to feel attracted to someone. But that doesn’t mean the relationship will last.

When the feelings of connection start to diminish, the foundation of the relationship begins to crumble. Without an understanding of why that’s happening, or the right help, things are likely to get worse.

Here are 5 Real Reasons Couples Separate:

  1. Whether your love is deep enough for each other.

The feelings of chemistry and deep connection that create higher levels of devotion also mute conflicts. That must be shared. One person may be head-over-heels in love and willing to do anything for their partner, only to find they get very little back. That wears thin quickly.

  1. Whether you are on the same page about what’s most important to you both.

When you are out of alignment on the things that matter, they will become a never ending source of conflict. These always revolve around which partner is more right, and which partner is more important. There is no remedy when you are caught up in proving you are right and your partner is wrong. No one wins.

  1. Whether you are mature enough to share your life with another person.

Not everyone is ready to be in a committed long term relationship. They think they are, but still might want to feel independent based on how they define it, often at direct odds with their partner’s rules for love. Lasting intimate relationships are not; love when I feel like it, and tantrums. A high level of commitment is required for the relationship to last. A willingness to get love or sex is not the same as giving and initiating what’s needed.

  1. Whether you are with each other for meaningful reasons or superficial ones.

The reasons that couples get together often come from a fantasized ideal about relationships. The right person matters far more than any reason; They will make me happy, I want a family, They are successful, They are extremely attractive, The sex is great, The have lots of potential, I don’t want to be alone, It’s easier than dating and I said I would get married by age 31.  These are not lasting reasons to be together.

      5. Whether you are willing to accept each other imperfections.

None of us is perfect, but it’s easier to see your partner’s imperfections. When you focus on what’s missing or everything they do wrong, you miss all their great qualities.  The longer you focus on those things that bug you, the less you will be able to see what you loved.

  • Will you be more in love or less, by the end of 2018?
  • Will you feel more deeply connected or more separate?

What you do and fail to do for your partner will always be reflected in the outcome of your relationship. In today’s digitally distracted world, couples tend to neglect each other far more than they realize. It easily leads to disconnect, unhappiness, emotional and physical affairs, and divorce.

For straight answers about making love last read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle.

Reach out for relationship support here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Thanksgiving Wisdom for Your Marriage

It’s been an interesting 12 years of helping couples fix their marriages.

I’ve seen pretty much anything you could ever imagine times 3.

I’ve worked with swingers and swappers, open marriages, gay and lesbian relationships, and every type of physical and emotional affair possible.

The common themes are all the same:

  • People don’t know what to do in order to have the love and intimacy they crave.
  • They make simple mistakes frequently that sever the feelings of connection. That’s where the downhill spiral begins. And that’s what must change for things to get better.
  • They have undisclosed expectations that of course remain unmet. This creates unhappiness and bitterness that builds up.
  • They blame and finger point without realizing that they are active participants in the disconnect as well. Are you willing to shine the spotlight of truth on yourself?
  • People often unknowingly bring their personal stress into each interaction adding a disconnecting wedge.
  • There’s more….
Here’s what you need to remember:
Disagreements and arguments are only about two things:
  1.   Who is more right
  2.   And who is more important.
 
People will do what gets their needs met… either inside,… or outside of your marriage.

This Thanksgiving and through the Holidays do not try to solve any relationship problems on your own.

Do not get into heated discussions about what your partner isn’t doing for you. Stress levels are high enough. There’s no reason to add to it.

Here’s what to do instead:

  • Make a decision to get help as soon as possible. With or without your partner.
  • Do what you can to personally offset your own inner stress. Take care of you!
  • Be kind to your partner. Be considerate of their stress levels.
  • Choose to be as peaceful as possible. Creating additional pressure for them to change or ultimatums will backfire.
Wishing you and your family a loving, and peaceful Thanksgiving!
 
Remember… Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 
nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The #1 Cause of Divorce, Affairs and Unhappiness

First a reminder of the numbers:

  • Each year over 2 million couples divorce in the United States.
    And 1 person in every 3 couples is right now having an affair.

And thanks to technology there’s a huge increase in emotional affairs,
with secretive texting and sexting outside the marriage.

But here’s what may surprise you:

People who cheat, frequently love their partners very much.
And are often faithful and devoted, even for decades.

Here’s what might shock you:

Most couples who decide to divorce still really love each other,
but get divorced anyway.

Want to know why?

Because people have lost the feelings of being “in love” with their partners.

And it drives them to do things they wouldn’t normally do while they search for the excitement and aliveness, of feeling “in love” again.

What will you do if your partner falls out of love with you?

That answer will give you the truth about how well you understand relationships.

People fall out of love all the time. Even though they still love their partners, they lose the feelings of being in love.

And it’s their lack of knowledge and understanding about what to do,
that destroys more marriages than anything else.

You cannot talk your way back in love,
You cannot give his and her version of events and fall back in love.

That only happens with specific behavioral changes.

And here’s what happens because partners no longer feel “in love.”

  • It’s the #1 cause of divorce.
  • It’s the #1 cause of affairs.
  • It’s the #1 cause of unhappiness.

What people don’t know is that they can fall back “in love” again.
Even if it’s been 20 years without feeling “in love” with each other.

What’s missing matters so much more than you realize.

I want you to have the skills and knowledge that will keep your love,
intimacy, communication, and deep connection, alive for a lifetime.

That won’t happen without the feelings of being ”in love” with your partner.

Here’s all you need to do:

Do what’s in this book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

Reach out and talk with me here.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. -Dr. Seuss