Maintaining the Passionless Marriage

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Your desire for each other mutes or exaggerates most challenges. 

You are the only one who can decide the level of love and intimacy that is fulfilling for you.

1st, Let’s understand that passion for your partner doesn’t have to naturally decline. I know this to be personally true after 19 years with my wife.

  • It only decays because we allow it to.
  • That happens through our focus on other things day to day.
  • It happens because of stress and misunderstandings.
  • It happens as a result of putting other things above your partner.
  • It happens because we get self-focused and not relationship focused.

Pretend for a moment that you’re giving a newly-wed couple advice on how to sustain high levels of passion and intimacy for a lifetime.

What will you tell them?

What’s your formula for success and a lifetime of happiness together?

Most people get this wrong, hopefully that won’t be you.

  • If you’re not telling these newly-weds about the important of sustaining connection with each other as the priority in their marriage, your own marriage is likely struggling.
  • If you’re not teaching them about the urgency of keeping the chemistry of polarity alive and well in their relationship, you’re probably missing out yourself.

There is nothing more important than the feelings of physical and emotional connection in a relationship to create a lifetime of passion for each other.

A communication focus will not do that. Ever!

Are you open to learning to improve your own marriage?

Here are some resources for you:

Understand these 14 Marriage Breakthrough strategies in my book.

Learn the Secrets to a lifetime of happiness in my audio.

Talk with me if your situation is in urgent need of repair.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Where’s Your Proof of Love?

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How do I know my wife loves me?

Just because she says so…?

Is that enough?

What evidence in my life points to her loving me?

And what keeps me in this relationship with her if she isn’t offering me substantial proof of her love for me?

These are real questions.

I want you to think about them for your relationship.

What proof…, What evidence do you give your partner every single day that you truly love them?

If you’re not offering something tangible and solid they won’t feel it.

  • The words I love you become superficial.
  • A ritualistic hug and kiss here or there is not the same as affection.
  • Obligatory sex is not passion.
  • Talking about the kids doesn’t create feelings of intimate connection.
  • Watching TV or being on your phones together does not help communication.

Where’s the deep caring?

How do you specifically demonstrate that you value your partner?

Is that enough for them?  Are they doing enough for you?

Do they fully and completely trust you? Do you trust them fully?

When trust leaves the relationship it’s impossible to be happy.

Now…

Do you love yourself enough to tell yourself the truth about your marriage?

This is where it gets interesting.  

  • What are you putting up with?
  • What standard have you settled for love?
  • What stories, and soft lies, and rationalizations are you living?
  • Where are you pretending it’s ok, when it’s not?

Do you love them enough to want to improve your marriage?

Do they love you enough to be willing to participate?

Read my book together.

Talk with me for direct answers to your situation.

Your commitment is what transforms a promise into reality.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

 

5 Ways to End the Disappointment

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Too many marriages are in crisis today.

The number of client inquiries that I get about affairs and sexting continues to surprise me.

Here are some easy things to do:

 Get Access to Your Partner’s Phone

I’ve talked about this before. If your partner is hesitant about giving you access I would take that as a danger sign. There is no reasonable reason why you shouldn’t be able to access your partner’s phone messages and email anytime you want.  Show them this article if they resist.

If a marriage is about trust, openness, and transparency, and your partner wants to hide and cover-up, get help right away.

  1. Value Your Partner.

Be certain that they feel deeply cared for and appreciated by you. It’s far too easy to take them for granted when things are Ok. And that neglect has a hefty price.

You must understand what THEY need, not what you need.

  1. Offset Your Own Stress

What are you doing to take care of your own stress? Stress builds up from work, kids, family obligations, health issues, financial pressures, etc…When you neglect yourself your emotional stability shifts and inevitably interferes with beneficial couple interactions. The more stress you are under the less you are able to demonstrate valuing your partner.

  1. Take an Interest in Their Work Environment

Since many affairs happen from the workplace, Make sure that you are participating in and sharing your partner’s work life. Go there if possible. Communicate during the day. Express your interest and curiosity about their work and the people they work with.

  1. Pay Attention

Subtle changes occur when a partner is having an affair. Their mood changes. Guilt can produce anger directed at you or withdrawal. These behaviors can become obvious well into the affair, but frequently exist right away. With our fast-paced digitally driven lives we often overlook what’s right in front of us.

End the Disappointment of an Unhappy Marriage

Get help. Don’t waste precious time trying to figure it out on your own.

Read my book.  You’ll learn what works and what doesn’t.

Talk with me.  You’ll get direct answers for any relationship challenge.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

5 Real Reasons that Cause Couples to Separate

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It’s easy to feel attracted to someone. But that doesn’t mean the relationship will last.

When the feelings of connection start to diminish, the foundation of the relationship begins to crumble. Without an understanding of why that’s happening, or the right help, things are likely to get worse.

Here are 5 Real Reasons Couples Separate:

  1. Whether your love is deep enough for each other.

The feelings of chemistry and deep connection that create higher levels of devotion also mute conflicts. That must be shared. One person may be head-over-heels in love and willing to do anything for their partner, only to find they get very little back. That wears thin quickly.

  1. Whether you are on the same page about what’s most important to you both.

When you are out of alignment on the things that matter, they will become a never ending source of conflict. These always revolve around which partner is more right, and which partner is more important. There is no remedy when you are caught up in proving you are right and your partner is wrong. No one wins.

  1. Whether you are mature enough to share your life with another person.

Not everyone is ready to be in a committed long term relationship. They think they are, but still might want to feel independent based on how they define it, often at direct odds with their partner’s rules for love. Lasting intimate relationships are not; love when I feel like it, and tantrums. A high level of commitment is required for the relationship to last. A willingness to get love or sex is not the same as giving and initiating what’s needed.

  1. Whether you are with each other for meaningful reasons or superficial ones.

The reasons that couples get together often come from a fantasized ideal about relationships. The right person matters far more than any reason; They will make me happy, I want a family, They are successful, They are extremely attractive, The sex is great, The have lots of potential, I don’t want to be alone, It’s easier than dating and I said I would get married by age 31.  These are not lasting reasons to be together.

      5. Whether you are willing to accept each other imperfections.

None of us is perfect, but it’s easier to see your partner’s imperfections. When you focus on what’s missing or everything they do wrong, you miss all their great qualities.  The longer you focus on those things that bug you, the less you will be able to see what you loved.

  • Will you be more in love or less, by the end of 2018?
  • Will you feel more deeply connected or more separate?

What you do and fail to do for your partner will always be reflected in the outcome of your relationship. In today’s digitally distracted world, couples tend to neglect each other far more than they realize. It easily leads to disconnect, unhappiness, emotional and physical affairs, and divorce.

For straight answers about making love last read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle.

Reach out for relationship support here.

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

The Mirror Test and What Men Don’t Know

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You already know that men and women often see things very differently.

If you’ve read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, then you know there are some real differences between the roles that men and women have in sustaining couple communication, trust and intimacy.

This isn’t something that most men will ever figure out. They need to be taught.

  • If you’re waiting and hoping for your man to understand you better, you’re wasting your time.

That isn’t going to happen unless he talks with someone like me and learns what to do. His idea of what you need and want, is based on his parental relationship models. The same of course is true for you. That’s why relationships often fail.

Our unmet expectations create bitterness and resentment that can be destructive to our feelings of being “in love”.  As you already know, “being in love” is not the same as loving your partner.

The feelings of being ‘in love’ with each other add a magical element to our lives. Without that, it’s just a friendship that brings disappointment.

Will your marriage ever get any better if you don’t do something about it?

  • Some people settle for less because they don’t know what to do.
  • Some people have gotten used to being unhappy.
  • Some people are afraid of trying anymore.
  • And some people have just given up.

These are all just choices.

Take the mirror test. Look yourself in the eyes and ask:

  • Does my marriage fill me with joy?
  • Does my marriage make me feel better about myself?
  • If things stay this way, will I feel proud, or disappointed?
  • And will I accept living my life this way?

Please never give up on your happiness. Some people have conditioned themselves to be ok with disappointment. That’s not a decision that will ever allow you to feel good about yourself.

  • If I don’t feel good about me, how will I ever be happy?
  • And if I don’t feel good about me, how will I ever find peace?

There’s far more at stake in being together as a couple than people realize. This is the thing people don’t know, and it’s crushing their overall happiness.

When you give your relationship the attention it deserves, everything about your life can get better.

If you’re ready to learn what to do, reach out and talk with me here.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot.

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  –Dr. Seuss

The Only 2 Real Marriage Issues to Fix

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Having a great marriage isn’t a hard thing to do. Telling ourselves the truth is more difficult. And that’s what keeps people stuck in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages.

  1. You don’t how to have a happy marriage-

This was an unpleasant truth that I had to tell myself years ago.  I really didn’t know what I was doing, even though I wanted to blame my wife for everything wrong in our marriage.

  • Did I know how to prevent conflicts or resolve them peacefully? Nope!
  • Did I know what to do to keep our chemistry and intimacy high? Thought I did, but not really.
  • Did I know how to keep communication open and easy? Definitely not!
  • Did I understand what she needed from me the most? Absolutely not.
  • Did I know how to affair proof our marriage? Not a clue.

Why not?

Who was going to teach me all of these things? My dad who left when I was 15? The couples counselor we went to who blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage, and suggested we get a divorce?

You may know there are over 50,000 traditional couples counselors in the US, yet over 2 million divorces each year. Many are not teaching people what works and what doesn’t very effectively.

  1. You and your partner look at life and marriage differently-

Another truth that I had to tell myself was that:

I didn’t understand women very well.

My wife and I had different rules for love. Different rules for what being married meant, and different needs.

We certainly didn’t see eye to eye on lots of issues. Did talking about her version and my version of events with a couples counselor help us?

No! It only caused us to feel more separate and bitter.

When I solved these 2 real marriage issues, our relationship went from unhappy to amazing.

In my opinion, most people don’t need couples counseling. They need to be educated on what works and what doesn’t, and why.

They need simple skills, tools and strategies to have happy marriages that lasts forever.

That’s what I teach.

Reach out to me here if you want to solve these issues for good. I’d like to help you do that.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot. 

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. – Dr. Seuss

 

Lessons of Marriage; Everlasting Happiness

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Of all my marriage mistakes of the past, I failed to understand that my marriage wasn’t going to stay happy and passionate all by itself.

 

And I didn’t become one of the country’s leading experts in marriage repair by choice. It happened by necessity. And it happened because I care alot.

 

I was completely fed up with my own relationship stress, and all I wanted was to have everlasting happiness with my wife.

 

If you’re read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you know that my first marriage ended because I was clueless. Now after 18 years with my wife, I have the amazing marriage I want, and no relationship stress.

 

Learning what to Do and Not Do, was the life altering wisdom I now have.

 

That’s a truly great thing. I want that for you. If you don’t want that for yourself, no one can help you.

 

I share what I’ve learned with people because the traditional couples counseling model didn’t work at all for me. And it clearly doesn’t work for close to a million couples who try it and divorce each year.

 

In my opinion, a completely different type of thinking and problem solving is needed based on only this one thought:

 

Is what I’m doing; useful, helpful, support or beneficial to what I want?

 

If not, why not?

  • Do you know exactly what you want?
  • Do you know what to do?
  • Are you willing to do it?

Is there something in the way of you doing it that needs to be resolved?

This is the mindset that creates immediate success. This is how I saved my own Marriage. This is the mindset that has allowed me to save hundreds of other couples from unhappiness and divorce.

 

I can help you:

  1. Get clear what you want,
  2. Know what to do and what not to do,
  3. Let go the hurt and resentment from the past.

The real issues exist because of a lack of understanding about the above things.

Embrace them and your marriage will be transformed. Work on anything else and you will be disappointed long term.

 

If you want my help, reach out here. 

 

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not. – Dr. Seuss

Lessons of Love; Benign Neglect

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So people fall in love, get married, maybe have kids, and it’s happily ever after….right?

That’s what I used to believe happened.

 

Now that I’m married….we’re good…not much more to do here.

I’ve got a career to get to, a family to support, the marriage will take care of itself….right?

 

This is how couples fall out of love with each other

And this is the recipe for the failure of countless marriages.  

 

I hear it all the time.

 

“I’m not in love with them anymore.” 

 

Maybe that’s where you are.

 

If  you’ve read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, I talk about the impact of benign neglect.

  • How we don’t mean to make other things more important than our marriage but we do.
  • How we don’t mean to put our careers and our kids ahead of each other, but we do.
  • We don’t mean to take each other for granted but we do.
  • We often believe as I once did, that the marriage will kind of take care of itself.

And my marriage failed.

And the marriages of over 2 million people in the US fail each year.

 

The biggest mistake of all is thinking that things are good, when they are in fact not. 

Maybe you just don’t know any better…yet. 

Do not wait for the symptoms to appear;

  • Increasing conflicts
  • Communication struggles
  • Fading Intimacy
  • Disappearing Affection
  • Questions of Trust

You can save your marriage before it gets deep into the dysfunction phase.

You can even save your marriage when you think it’s over.

 

But that takes an openness to learn what will turn things around,

and a willing partner who hasn’t decided quite yet that they’re done.

 

There’s alot more at stake than most people realize. 

Talk to me.

  1. You’ll know what the real problem is.
  2. You’ll know what the answer to it is.
  3. And you’ll know what to do next.

 

In the famous words of Dr. Seuss;

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. It’s not. 

 

Unhappy Marriages are Hard, Fixing them is Easy

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Completely transforming a marriage is easy.

Wanting to,… is another matter.

 

Do you know any couples that are in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage?

Why don’t they do something about it?

 

Here’s what they say:

  • Can’t be bothered.
  • Don’t care anymore.
  • I’m used to it.
  • It’s too much work.
  • I don’t have time.
  • I’m tired of doing it myself.
  • They won’t participate.
  • Nothing will change.

Many couples settle into a deep slumber in their marriages.

 

And as a result of this thing I call Benign Neglect, the very things

that make a marriage worthwhile; including intimacy, passion,

feelings of togetherness, affection, communication, and living

a deeply shared life… often leave the relationship,

 

The mistake people make is thinking it won’t get worse.

 

It usually does.

 

And unhappiness and emptiness takes the place of all the aliveness

of feeling deeply cared for, and intimately connected.

 

That stress doesn’t go away by itself.

 

One person in 3 couples is having an affair today. That doesn’t include

the emotional connections that people often get attached to outside

of their marriage.

 

Turning an unhappy marriage around is easy. I’ve helped hundreds of couples

do it. Even extreme situations where divorce papers were filed, or couples had

moved in with affair partners.

 

Miraculous things are possible when you know what to do and you’re willing to do them.

What works is easily available in my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

 

People reach out to me from all over the world to get my support to turn their marriages

around. You could too. The initial consultation is free. It’s another easy thing to do.

If you’re willing Sign up at the bottom of this page.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  – Dr. Seuss

 

Do THIS to Improve Your Marriage Today

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Many marriage challenges can be resolved much easier than people think. Even the most stubborn relationship issues can change quickly.

You simply need to know exactly what will help improve your situation and be willing to go do it.

One of the reasons I’m so successful helping hundreds of couples  save their marriages, is that I like to take complex situations and make them simple.

It’s easy for the partners and even experts to get caught up in all the details of a couple’s conflicts. Your version, their version,…whose is more right?

 You can examine and dissect the issues until you are blue in the face…

The problem is doing that will not bring you closer together.

 Here’s something simple I personally do every day that will help you:

If you’re read  the chapter on Vision in my book, The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, you understand how important it is to think about how you want to FEEL when you are with your partner.

Before I see my wife during the day or coming back from work at night, I have already thought about how I want to FEEL when I’m with her.

 My top of mind emotion is Peace.

Why Peace you might ask?

Because there’s plenty of stress already available, and if I’m peaceful I can easily access other emotional states that will keep us deeply connected.

  • If I’m peaceful I can be playful,light,happy and fun.
  • If I’m peaceful and she’s stressed, I can help her to be more peaceful,
  •  and there will be no escalation of disagreements or misunderstandings.
  • If I’m peaceful I can be affectionate, and fully present for her.
  • If I’m peaceful I can bring perspective into any situation.

This is a simple little thing that has been game changing in my own marriage.

Try it out for yourself.

Reach out to connect with me if you’d like to learn how to apply my ideas to improve your own marriage.

 

What we do and fail to do will always be reflected in the outcome of our marriage.