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Maintaining the Passionless Marriage

Your desire for each other mutes or exaggerates most challenges. 

You are the only one who can decide the level of love and intimacy that is fulfilling for you.

1st, Let’s understand that passion for your partner doesn’t have to naturally decline. I know this to be personally true after 19 years with my wife.

  • It only decays because we allow it to.
  • That happens through our focus on other things day to day.
  • It happens because of stress and misunderstandings.
  • It happens as a result of putting other things above your partner.
  • It happens because we get self-focused and not relationship focused.

Pretend for a moment that you’re giving a newly-wed couple advice on how to sustain high levels of passion and intimacy for a lifetime.

What will you tell them?

What’s your formula for success and a lifetime of happiness together?

Most people get this wrong, hopefully that won’t be you.

  • If you’re not telling these newly-weds about the important of sustaining connection with each other as the priority in their marriage, your own marriage is likely struggling.
  • If you’re not teaching them about the urgency of keeping the chemistry of polarity alive and well in their relationship, you’re probably missing out yourself.

There is nothing more important than the feelings of physical and emotional connection in a relationship to create a lifetime of passion for each other.

A communication focus will not do that. Ever!

Are you open to learning to improve your own marriage?

Here are some resources for you:

Understand these 14 Marriage Breakthrough strategies in my book.

Learn the Secrets to a lifetime of happiness in my audio.

Talk with me if your situation is in urgent need of repair.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  -Dr. Seuss

Unhappy Marriages are Hard, Fixing them is Easy

 

Completely transforming a marriage is easy.

Wanting to,… is another matter.

 

Do you know any couples that are in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage?

Why don’t they do something about it?

 

Here’s what they say:

  • Can’t be bothered.
  • Don’t care anymore.
  • I’m used to it.
  • It’s too much work.
  • I don’t have time.
  • I’m tired of doing it myself.
  • They won’t participate.
  • Nothing will change.

Many couples settle into a deep slumber in their marriages.

 

And as a result of this thing I call Benign Neglect, the very things

that make a marriage worthwhile; including intimacy, passion,

feelings of togetherness, affection, communication, and living

a deeply shared life… often leave the relationship,

 

The mistake people make is thinking it won’t get worse.

 

It usually does.

 

And unhappiness and emptiness takes the place of all the aliveness

of feeling deeply cared for, and intimately connected.

 

That stress doesn’t go away by itself.

 

One person in 3 couples is having an affair today. That doesn’t include

the emotional connections that people often get attached to outside

of their marriage.

 

Turning an unhappy marriage around is easy. I’ve helped hundreds of couples

do it. Even extreme situations where divorce papers were filed, or couples had

moved in with affair partners.

 

Miraculous things are possible when you know what to do and you’re willing to do them.

What works is easily available in my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle

 

People reach out to me from all over the world to get my support to turn their marriages

around. You could too. The initial consultation is free. It’s another easy thing to do.

If you’re willing Sign up at the bottom of this page.

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. It’s not.  – Dr. Seuss

 

Why Disappointment Helps Marriage Self-Destruct

Are you still “In Love” with your spouse?

In my private client work, I often see couples who are completely disconnected from each other.

There is no doubt that they have fallen out of love.

It wasn’t intentional.

Neither of them woke up one day and decided to fall out of love with the other.

It just happens.

My 3 Biggest Marriage Mistakes, Are You Making Them Too?

When I first met my wife, the chemistry and connection was off the charts.

Then shortly after we were married, we began arguing more and more.  At times it seemed like we weren’t on the same page about anything.  I thought it was mostly her fault because she was just being stubborn and difficult.

Was I ever wrong…

I have made lots of mistakes in my marriage over the years, but it was these 3 things caused me the most trouble:

  1. Not making our connection the priority – It’s easy not to make your marriage a priority because of obligations, work responsibilities and simply not understanding how important that really is.

 And keeping the FEELING of connection with your spouse as a priority in the marriage is the most misunderstood and underestimated aspect of true marriage success.

 Early on in my marriage I wanted to be more right than my wife when we disagreed.  I also made myself out to be more important than her and the relationship;

What about me? What isn’t she doing for me? What’s wrong with her? What am I getting and not getting from her?  All of these things created disconnect. Anytime I was only focused on me, we became more separate.

 

  1. Not understanding what was needed from me. Because I was focused more on what I was or wasn’t getting, my willingness to give was sometimes based on feeling resentful or bitter. So when I felt that way I was giving very little. Of course that always made things worse.

 There were other times I wanted to defend myself or give her advice, when all she ever wanted me to do was listen.  I misunderstood that her emotions and tone directed at me were simply requests for me to give her more of my presence and attention.

Defending myself always made things worse.

 

  1. Not being clear about what I wanted. I originally thought that the marriage would be on auto-pilot, and that our relationship would always be good without giving it any more thought than just that.

 I had no vision for our marriage.  And because I wasn’t clear about what I wanted our life to be about together, and how I wanted to feel when I was with her, I often got caught up in the day to day stressor of the moment.

That kept us stuck in arguing about tiny insignificant things that I can’t even remember.

While I clearly remember our biggest escalating argument from many years ago, I have no idea what it was about. That’s a good indication that an argument that could have ended our marriage was about something small and unimportant.

What actually happens is that lots of little things get stacked on top of each other, and then that last thing is the straw that breaks the back of your connection.

When I finally got fed-up with being stressed out and unhappy was the moment that our marriage began to get better. I figured out how to our deep connection and chemistry back by fixing those 3 Mistakes. Now I help couples all over the world re-ignite their love and passion for each other.

Read my book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle to learn more helpful strategies that you can implement right away.

Reflect on your marriage happiness for a moment.

Turn your thoughts inward and think about how deeply connected you FEEL with your spouse.  Is that good enough for you?

Now imagine that it never gets any better.

 

Is that the way you want to continue to live?

 

How many more days will you continue to allow your marriage to struggle? How is it ever going to stop? If you don’t take some corrective action you’ll inevitably regret it.

If you are fed up, and don’t want to spend another day walking on egg shells around your partner, talk with me.

I have helped hundreds of couples resolve their conflicts and bring deeply connected intimacy back into their marriages. And that is the real key to successful couple communication.

I work with couples in person and all over the world by Skype.

Visit http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/ Sign up for your Free PEAK Relationship Consultation. You’ll get my direct input on your situation and how to repair it.

 

3 Ways to Increase Intimacy

By far the biggest complaint I hear from couples is that they no longer feel intimately connected with each other.

This creates real and often devastating consequences.

Lack of an emotional connection is the #1 cause of divorce. 
What started off as that deep feeling of chemistry and connection fades away.
And it often catches one partner by surprise.  Do not let that be you.
 
There are things you can do right now, today, to begin to restore the feelings of deep connection.
Here are 3 things:
  1. Give your partner more focused attention. Put down the phones and remotes and truly see them when you talk with them. Give them the value and appreciation they deserve.
  1. Tell your partner specifically what you admire in them. Why are you proud of them? What are you grateful for about them?
  1. Initiate the repair of any misunderstandings without getting into details of why you might have said or done this or that. Simply own your part in any disconnect and apologize. It could be as simple as “Hey, I just want you to know that I’m really sorry for my part yesterday. I love you.

Here’s where you can go wrong:

  1. You think you are paying attention, but you are not totally present for them. If you fake it, they will know. You are waiting for them to value and appreciate you. Go first.
  2. Don’t bother saying anything complimentary if you don’t believe it or feel it. They will know what’s real and what’s not. Be prepared. Say exactly why you are proud, or what you are grateful for.
  3. Do not apologize to get an apology back.  Focus on doing your part only and be perfectly Ok if they don’t own their responsibility right away.

Get the help you need.

  1. It’s hard to have the perspective needed to see the real issues between you. People waste time chasing symptoms instead. And trying to resolve issues on your own can make them worse.
  2. You are limited by what you know. It’s what you don’t know that will transform your marriage.
  3. Larger issues that cause bitterness and resentment cannot be resolved without outside help. There are too many emotions involved for you to be effective.

Reach out to me.

The marriage that you want and deserve may be much closer than you think.

Most relationship problems can be repaired in short time frames. I know, because I have helped hundreds of couples restore intimacy, improve communication, rebuild trust, and resolve their conflicts.

And most of those couples found me after failed couples counseling. Doing nothing, or waiting and hoping for your situation improve, is not a strategy for success.

You and your partner deserve a chance for real happiness together.

Talk with me. I will give you my thoughts on how to repair your situation without obligation.

http://www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com/ Sign up at the bottom of the page.

Are You Still Missing Out?

A ran into an old friend recently who had heard about my book on marriage.

At one point in the conversation he said:

 

I’ve got my marriage right where I want it….

to the point that I just don’t care anymore.

 

I responded:

  • You don’t care about love?
  • You don’t care about deeply sharing your life?
  • You don’t care about affection, intimacy and passionate sex?
  • You don’t care about your happiness and longevity?

He said;

Of course I care about all of that stuff, who doesn’t want that?

I’ve just given up on that with her and I have no interest in doing anything about it.

 

To which I said:

Why not get divorced?

 

He said:

It will cost me too much money.

 

I then said:

Ok, so you have decided to fence yourself in to a life of unhappiness

Even though you know there are ways out.

You’re like the bee that gets stuck in your car, and you open all the windows…

But the bee keeps banging its head over and over against the front windshield.

Even though there are multiple possibilities to escape the unhappiness

You’ve already decided to continue to suffer.

 

He was visibly irritated with me.

 

A few days later his wife called to tell me that something I had said

had woken him up and that they wanted to hear my ideas on restoring

their marriage.

 

Life is far too short to be  wasted on unnecessary unhappiness.

I urge you to do something about your marriage so that it enriches

and magnifies your life experience.

 

Find someone who can help you. Learn what you can do.

What you don’t know is limiting your options and you are missing out.

 

I want to wake you up to the reality that something better is in fact

possible whether you believe it or not.

 

You will not create a solution on your own when you have lost perspective.

The windows are open, but you just can’t see it.

 

Talk with me before all the windows close,

Click www.90minutemarriagemiracle.com and set up a conversation today.

 

Your Marriage; Is it “Good Enough”?

Our relationships always reflect what we do and fail to do

 Not everyone is fully ready to allow love into their lives.  

That’s simply my experience working with couples over the past decade. Not true, deeply connected, and profoundly intimate, shared love.

It scares people.

They settle for something else, something much smaller by playing it safe, not giving their all, not loving to the depths and breadths of their hearts.

  • They often wait to see what the other person is willing to do.
  • They frequently withhold, and put the brakes on giving fully.
  • Sometimes they keep score; who did what for whom last. In their minds they think; “It’s your turn, so I’m unwilling to do anything until you go first. Why do I always have to be the one to give?”
  • Sometimes it’s a demand; “Give me the love I deserve or I’ll find someone else.”
  • Sometimes it’s pain; “Love me unconditionally or I won’t know how to love you.”

But the love they settle for is Ok.

It’s not joyful, inspiring, passionate and fulfilling, but it’s “good enough”.

Or is it?

What are you capable of experiencing together as a couple?

Does it even matter if your marriage is never anything more than what exists today?

Fear can hold people hostage, and opens the door for the pain and regret of what little love and affection they settled for?

Would you prefer:

Feelings of closeness, true sharing, feeling valued, intimately connected, genuine affection, inspired passion, a deep sense of comfort to be yourself, a profound sense of peace in each other’s presence, and an aligned vision of the future.

Or what you have today?

How will you ever really know what your marriage is capable of in terms of happiness and personal fulfillment?

Or is what you already have “good enough” for you?

And what will you do to make sure that your “good enough” stays that way?

The only permanence in life is change, and clearly relationships change.

Will you be happier one year from now, or less happy?  Will you feel more or less in love?

Today is one of those choice points. A decision will be made that will perhaps determine the rest of your married life.

Is your marriage “good enough”, or are you actually willing to pursue something more meaningful?

You could put off that decision indefinitely. It’s probably not really that big a deal.

Or is it?

The next time you are wondering what can be done to improve your marriage, talk with me and get my direct input on how to resolve your situation.